Written by Coloma Muro Carceller, Empowerment Coach
Coloma Muro is one of the top coaches recognized by the Coach Foundation. As a Licensed Psychologist and Neuroscientist, she combines the two disciplines to guide individuals towards living beyond self-imposed limitations and conditioning. She is the author of the book Raw and Unmasked, and the Founder of The Embodied Woman Institute.
What is gaslight The term "gaslighting" comes from the 1938 play Gas Light and its later film adaptation. In the story, a man attempts to make his wife believe she is losing her sanity so he can steal from her. When he lights the attic lamps while searching for her jewelry, the gas lights in the rest of the house dim. He insists the dimming is all in her head, causing her to doubt her own memories and perceptions over time. This serves as a powerful example of psychological manipulation used to gain control over another person.
How gaslighting starts
A relationship with a gaslighter often begins with a shower of compliments early on in the dating phase (or any other type of relationship) accompanied by a premature share of personal information. Such disclosure, before any real closeness is formed, rapidly builds trust; it's what we call love bombing. The faster the victim becomes attached, the sooner the gaslighter can move on to the next stage of manipulation. This consists of weaving lies to undermine and distort key aspects of the victim’s identity, which gradually erodes their self-confidence. When confused, the victim becomes dependent on the gaslighter’s interpretation of reality.
Why do people gaslight?
People who use gaslighting want to avoid taking responsibility for their actions. They seek comfort at all costs and relationships are used as a means to fulfill their unmet needs, often at the expense of the other’s emotions, boundaries, and sometimes even safety.
By shifting blame and dodging accountability, gaslighters aim to make others question their reality, which is the core of their manipulation. Research suggests that their strategies are primarily designed to distract attention from their immature and damaging behavior.
But why do they want to escape responsibility so much? The answer has to do with their inability to be with themselves. Without a sense of self, there is no inner safety and all efforts go toward controlling the world around them. In other words, their insecurities translate into exerting control over people to create a false sense of safety.
Their sense of self – who they want to be or perceive themselves to be – is very different from who they actually are. They haven’t developed the capacity to accept their emotions – their frustration, anger, and fears… –, in other words, they are disconnected from their internal world. From this space, one cannot feel empathy for others. They don’t love who they are so they don’t love others. Remember that we treat others the way we treat ourselves; they can’t connect with your pain because they are dissociated from theirs. Now, I am not justifying gaslighters, I am here to help you understand what they’re going through, so it becomes easier for you to let go. Gaslighting is a toxic behavior and if you are reading this I assume you want to be healthy. If you accept that someone who gaslights will not change – unless they want to and receive treatment – it is easier to take responsibility for what you can do about it. This may imply not interacting with this person anymore, or at least distancing yourself from them. If anything, the more we walk away from gaslighters, the more probability they will be motivated to make a change.
How to know if you are being gaslit
Some gas lighters are not aware that they are manipulating others. However, even if they don’t fully realize, they are still getting something out of their behavior. Remember that this pattern often stems from childhood, where they may have learned to get their caregiver's attention or approval through manipulation. Some of the classic examples of gaslighting include:
No genuine apologies: they have an aversion to being wrong and are disconnected from pain. They are unable to repair it because this includes accepting the hurt caused and having a commitment to change.
Deflect blame: gaslighters deny any responsibility for their actions and use any excuse they can find to justify their mistreatment.
Playing the victim: when gaslighters don’t get their way, they quickly portray themselves as the victim.
No accountability: their words don’t match their actions. They may express that they care or that they are regretful but they don’t act upon it.
Dishonesty and denial: they are adept at distortion of facts and deliberate falsehoods. “Everyone else is lying”.
Cycles of abuse: gaslighters tear someone down and build them back up with flattery or empty promises.
Boundary violation: trespassing rules provides them with a sense of superiority and control.
Invalidation and coercion: they lack the ability to self-regulate so they control their environment in an attempt to create inner safety. This includes unpredictable mood swings and projections followed by neglect or dismissiveness.
Gaslighting and the brain
I mentioned that the distance between who gas lighters perceive themselves to be and who they are is big, affecting their sense of self-agency. This psychological term refers to one’s sense of responsibility for their thoughts, feelings, and actions, and it is associated with decreased levels of dopamine and serotonin in the brain. The former neurotransmitter is involved in the motivational reward system, executive control, and motor responses, among others. A deficiency of this hormone translates into a low sense of self-control. This can explain the need for gas lighters to control the world around them. Beyond the psychological aspect of such inner powerlessness, status, money, or “love” triggers the release of dopamine. Gas lighters are starved of dopamine so they will do whatever it takes to get hits of it.
Interestingly, high levels of dopamine block the release of serotonin, the neurotransmitter that informs us that “we have enough” so it is not surprising that gas lighters feed off of cycles of abuse. It is important to understand the neurochemistry behind gaslighting so one can make the conscious choice of not having a close relationship with a gas lighter. Remember that gaslighting is considered emotional abuse and it can easily lead to codependent dynamics, trauma, and other psychological issues.
What to do if you are being gaslit
Now that you know what gaslighting looks like, you have the power to choose not to be in relationships with people who exert this type of manipulation. However, if you have someone in your life – a family member, coworker, or boss – that gaslights, here are some tips you can follow to keep yourself healthy:
Set clear boundaries: this does not mean to ask them to respect them (they most likely won’t), but rather that you take responsibility for upholding them. The moment a gaslighter is pushing your limits, choose to disengage by taking physical and emotional space.
Place the gaslighter where they belong: you choose how much influence the gaslighter has over you. This works in conjunction with setting boundaries, and along with the practice of acceptance. Once you accept that they will not change their behavior, it is easier for you to not engage with them.
Connect with your community: it is the most effective way to recover from abuse. Community activates a system within our bodies that brings a sense of safety and calmness, restoring our sense of self-confidence and calmness.
Engage in activities that bring you joy: reconnect with those things that soothe your soul. Good examples are going for a nice walk, playing with an animal, sunbathing, or listening to music.
Seek help: work with a mental health professional who supports you and provides you tools to navigate gaslight and/or cycles of emotional abuse.
Disclaimer: This article is for general educational purposes only.
Coloma Muro Carceller, Empowerment Coach
Coloma Muro has over 13 years of experience within the Neuroscience and Psychology fields. Originally from Barcelona, she is currently based in Los Angeles, where she works as a Coach specialized in Identity issues, Life Transitions, Anxiety, Trauma, and Relationships. She combines her background on research with a holistic integrated trauma-informed approach and teachings from Eastern Medicine that she acquired while she was living in South East Asia. She draws from several healing modalities designed to access personal freedom, build confidence, and create health, abundance and transformation in all areas of life from the inside out.
