Written by: Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
She was one of those people you’d look at and think, “She’s really got it together.” Gifted classes as a kid, honors and extracurriculars as she got older. A social butterfly, you could see her hanging out with different folks from different social circles. A giver; she’d volunteer at church and in the community. Need a hand? She’d gladly be there. Need a shoulder to cry on? No problem, she’d be that for you. She was “different”, but she was determined, caring and strong, with an internal rebellion for fighting the good fight. In college she’d become a resident assistant; a reliable leader the University administrators could count on. Most people assumed she had it all together: a successful student; an up-and-coming ambitious and independent woman who was trailblazing along the road towards continued success. In fact, she herself believed she could independently do it all and have it all together all the time–without support or respite. That was… until an unexpected and unpleasant hospital stay reminded her she couldn’t.
Many ambitious women and men can relate to their own version of this lived experience. Perhaps the reasons why you feel the need to prove or achieve are different for you, and perhaps the path of proving and achieving looked differently too. Regardless, the life experiences we have made an impact on the perceptions and behaviors of even the highest of achievers, and they affect the way we define success for ourselves, our lives, and our relationships. The aforementioned resilient, empathic, strong-willed girl who’d been all geared up for success grew to become so fiercely independent that she often felt lonely and alone. She’d grown into a young woman who presented as incredibly strong yet deeply feared vulnerability. Sure, she was someone others could rely upon, but she silently feared being unwanted and rejected. Her desire to prove herself had led to an addiction to action. This addiction to action led to tons of external accomplishments. But, her outward success did not translate inward; instead, she felt like an inward mess. So many people who look outwardly successful don’t feel inwardly successful, at least not in a deep and meaningful way. Yet, we all want it. We all want to be able to feel successful in our lives. And while we may have an idea of what success is supposed to look like (by doing things like setting and hitting personal and professional goals, chasing accolades, or over-working for recognition) we rarely take the time to understand what’s informed our baseline definition of success in the first place. Instead, we keep striving to accomplish. We keep pushing ourselves to do more or to hit newer, bigger, better goals. Our lives feel stressful, so we challenge ourselves to keep building resiliency for handling more and more stress (because we “should” be able to handle a ton). We don’t stop to realize we’re allowing stress to serve as the scaffolding for the landscape of our lives. And we do it all in the name of achieving this unconsciously held, unfulfilling definition of success. That strong girl turned seemingly “successful” yet stressed adult, she’s not an abnormality (despite feeling like she was). She was me. And, she is just one of many examples of what other achievers have experienced along their own “sacrifice for success” journeys. When our definitions of success are informed by the (conscious or unconscious) need to push, prove, please, and appease, or overly sacrifice our self, health, or meaningful relationships, then our success paths will result in more and more and more stress. Even if we try harder to fix, to figure out, or to control things, it won’t work to reduce or relieve the stress, at least not in a sustainable way. To experience less stress and more success, we need to be willing to look at a few things that often feel uncomfortable. However, the value gained from exploring these uncomfortable areas can actually wind up providing the exact momentum you need to help propel you towards more of what you want in your life, without unnecessary stressors. Here are 2 key steps to help move yourself in that direction, and they both require a level of willingness to slow down enough for self-reflection:
Step One: Be Honest With Yourself
Ask yourself these questions and truly reflect on the answers to them:
How have I been defining success in my life so far?
What have I had to do and how have I had to be, to pursue/achieve this definition of success?
What have/am I ultimately hoping to avoid or gain by pursuing/achieving this success?
If you aren't honest about what your definition of success has been, you can’t effectively do anything about it. For some people, success is demonstrated by making tons of money. For others, it has meant achieving something no one in their family has ever done, or what other people doubted they could ever do. For others, it meant following in the footsteps of family members. For some it has meant presenting their appearance or demeanor in a certain way. Whether your definition of success has been fed by the fear of financial insecurity, disapproval, or lack of purpose – it’s important to be honest about it. For me, success looked like over-working so I could contribute without being a burden. Ultimately, I hoped to be accepted and appreciated by everyone; I hoped to avoid rejection and gain a sense of belonging.
Step Two: Clarify
Ask yourself these questions and truly reflect on the answers to them:
Are there any parts of what I’ve done or how I’ve been that I want to leave behind? Any that I want to carry with me forward? Why or why not?
What exactly do I want my refined definition of success to be (for all areas of my life – in the workplace, home space, and even my community)?
If I were to be living into my updated definition of success, incorporating the ways of doing and being that I truly want to carry forward, how might that make me feel?
Many high-achieving action-takers either don’t want to or don’t know how to take time to notice how they feel, so that last question can be an off-putting or confusing one. I know I used to roll my eyes at being asked to focus on “feelings” when all I really wanted to do was figure things out cognitively and just take action. However, the kind of success that results in less stress is the kind of success that can be felt; it’s not about the kind of success that others can outwardly measure. Success won’t feel like a success if its definition is auto-controlled by experiences, messages, and exposures you’ve had in your past, rather than by an intentional definition you choose in your present. I used to fear losing my ambition and drive if I shifted my definition of success to a different one and started accounting for things like self-care, taking breaks, or asking for help. It’s a valid fear, but it’s erroneous. Just because I didn’t need to over-work myself didn’t mean I’d stop caring about my work ethic or suddenly lose my value for integrity. Just because I didn’t need to sacrifice all the time didn’t mean I'd stop caring about or considering other people’s needs and feelings. Adjusting my definition of success helped me feel more empowered rather than less. If you’ve chosen to try out the 2 key steps to feeling more success and less stress shared in this article, then you’re well on your way to redefining a more meaningful and satisfying definition for success in your life in a way that can meaningfully clarify and inspire! Even if you're going to keep doing things the way you’ve always been doing them, and dealing with life how you’ve always been dealing with it, then at least you can now do that from a place of conscious awareness and choice. For more insights, opportunities to submit questions and ways to stay connected, check out the free Success Redefined YouTube Community here. Want to take your success journey further with an introduction to How to Reset? This video is for you.
Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Toni is a mom of 4, psychotherapist, mentor, educator, speaker and best selling author. She’s founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, a private practice in PA specializing in anxiety, bipolar and trauma support. She’s also founder of Bold and Balanced, an educational, mentoring and consulting business where she teaches leaders and parenting professionals how to effectively reduce stress, boost success and experience more ease and satisfaction at work and at home. Trained or certified in a variety of powerful methods such as Brainspotting, Dr. Toni infuses research and techniques that incorporate the brain, body and mind in her work with clients. You can find her best selling book, The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment on Amazon. When she’s not diving deep into her work, you can find her silly dancing and singing with her children, walking in nature or enjoying one of her delicious delights homemade latte, fresh bread or chocolate!
Comments