Written by: Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
COVID-19 pandemic affected our relationships and sexuality. Studies show that many people are experiencing low libido because of the pandemic. There are many causes of reduced desire, ranging from physical to psychological. Don’t wait until your intimate problems cause a crisis in your relationship.
Remember when the media predicted a post-lockdown baby boom worldwide? Well, that never happened. Stay-at-home measures did not lead to an increase in sexual activity. On the contrary – people are doing it less frequently. If you’re experiencing low desire right now, you’re not alone. Here’s what you need to know about pandemic libido.
How the pandemic changed sexuality
COVID-19 changed the world for good, from big-scale issues like the economy, down to the tiny details of our private lives. People in long-term relationships had to adapt to pandemic challenges. Singles were forced to completely transform their approach to dating. Scientists are still trying to make sense of all of this:
Couples make love less frequently
Research confirms that intimacy fell off the to-do list, at least for heterosexual couples. According to a study published in December 2020, over 75% of men and women reported spending more time together with their significant other. But this did not translate into bedroom fun. The frequency of intercourse dropped for both female and male respondents.
Most people are losing their libido…
Studies noted falling desire levels in both genders, for women in particular. An Irish scientific paper revealed that 54% of women had a libido drop.
Even young people, who are typically very interested in eroticism, complain about low desire. Lots of men struggle with bedroom problems, such as erectile dysfunction and this is causing them to lose interest in intimacy.
…while some have more desire
Italian research revealed an interesting development for some people. Over 12 % of men and 18 % of women had more interest in sex during the spring 2020 lockdowns. Another analysis linked higher interest in intimacy with…the fear of death. It appears that some people seek the closeness of their partners to get a sense of security in the face of a life-threatening virus.
Increase in solo pleasure and adult film consumption
Where the minority of men and women sought more physical connection with their lovers, a large group of people turned to self-pleasuring for comfort. And many used online sites with pornographic films to get aroused. Statistics and analysis point out spikes in the number of searches for such sites since the beginning of lockdowns.
Causes of low libido in the pandemic
If you’re worried about the state of your own relationship and sex life, first try to understand the cause of your problems. Remember, it’s OK to go through a cold period in the bedroom in crisis situations, so don’t beat yourself up. Here are some of the reasons for low libido I have seen with my clients who sought sex counseling.
Stress and anxiety
Do you remember the moment you realized this “novel Coronavirus” had spread beyond China and things started looking serious? Chances are high that you felt some degree of fear. I know I did. I mean, come on, a deadly virus that spreads like wildfire and we have no cure for? Now that’s a reason to panic!
And panic we all did. We worried and watched the news with apprehension. Then came the extra stressors. So many lost their jobs or saw their businesses falling apart. Our kids stopped going to school. People we knew started dying.
Chronic stress impacts our body and mind in many ways, for example:
By causing muscle tension, which leads to pain.
By increasing the risk of heart disease and hypertension.
By releasing stress hormones, which can compromise our immune system and increase the odds of many diseases, from diabetes to depression.
By putting a great burden on your nervous system, leaving you feeling drained.
All these changes have a negative impact on our energy levels and interest in intimacy. No big science here – any living being that’s under a lot of stress will activate the “fight or flight” mechanisms and ditch the unnecessary functions, such as the urge to reproduce. We may be living in comfy homes, and not on the prairie, but we’re still wired with the survival mechanisms of prehistoric humans.
COVID-19 infection and aftermath
At the time of writing this article, there have been almost three million Coronavirus infections in Switzerland where I live. And there will be more for sure. On top of that, there is a rise in so-called long COVID cases. Whether you got lucky and had very mild symptoms, or had to be hospitalized because of the virus, your body remembers. And you may feel the effects of the infection in your intimate life too. Here are some examples:
You may feel too tired for vigorous sexual activity.
Some men may experience difficulties getting an erection.
You may have a low mood or even depression and lose all interest in eroticism.
If you had COVID, give yourself time to recover. Talk to the doctor if symptoms persist for a long time. Don’t expect to go back to frequent and intense sexual activity immediately. Take care of your well-being first, you need to cover the bases to have the energy to rebuild your intimate life.
Relationship conflicts
Your libido does not exist in a void. Many couples went through tough times during the pandemic, due to life’s circumstances, or the pressures of daily existence. It’s also a personality thing. My husband and I have enjoyed our time together during the lockdowns, even with the added stress of the home office and 24/7 childcare.
For many couples, however, the lockdowns were a disaster. If you were not used to working from home and suddenly had to navigate a small space with your significant other, you might have noticed the signs of overwhelm.
In some countries, like my homeland Poland, there was even a temporary ban on going outside, except for necessities. People struggled to find opportunities to be alone with their thoughts.
Before you make attempts to rebuild intimacy in the bedroom, you need to take time to deal with unresolved issues between you two. Dedicate enough time to talk and find solutions. If you can't agree on fundamental matters, get help from a couple's counselor or relationships coach.
Parenting during the pandemic
Raising children during the COVID-19 pandemic added another layer of stress and challenges to people. That of course translated into less sex for many. Whether you're a single parent or a married couple, managing childcare, work and possibly taking care of elderly relatives took all your available time and physical resources. If you're so focused on giving to everyone around you, there's nothing left to give to your sexual partner.
If you had a baby in 2020 or 2021, you were thrown into a vortex of events that might have left you depleted, or even in depression. Normally most couples go back to lovemaking within a few months of childbirth at the latest but there's no right time to restart.
If it's been over a year, it's a good idea to look at what's causing this bedroom freeze. Perhaps you as a mom need to process a traumatic labor? Maybe pain is making intercourse unbearable? Fathers also have their share of worries and struggles. Be gentle with yourself and seek help if you're not coping.
Get your desire back
I noticed that when it comes to sex, many people expect a quick fix. I blame the easy advice culture in magazines and YouTube videos. But intimacy is much more complicated than even the most sophisticated Kim Kardashian makeup techniques. It cannot be locked in a “5 hot tips” video. And it will take time to get your libido back.
Don't wait too long until relationship conflicts pile up and those happy times in the bedroom are but a distant memory. Make that gentle first step back today by taking my mini audio course "Go Back to Good Sex". In a series of very short audio exercises, I will guide you to better understand the causes of low desire and set you on the path toward joyful intimacy.
Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby. In 2019 she presented her "Good Enough Sex" philosophy at TEDx Zurich. Back in her home country, Poland, she hosted a nationwide radio show on sexuality and relationships at TOK FM Radio. Anka started out as sex educator, working with teenagers, and a reproductive rights activist. Today, she is based in Zurich, Switzerland.
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