Danielle Hayes, the founder of Calm Kids: Counselling & Wellbeing Services, possesses over three decades of expertise as an educator, children's counsellor, and parent coach. She is a trusted speaker on trauma-informed education and parenting, advocating for the holistic wellbeing of children, teachers and families.
Your child used to wake up and, perhaps with a bit of encouragement, would head off to school. Now, things have changed dramatically. Your child is overwhelmed by anxiety and simply cannot get ready for school. They may completely shut down, or they may have a meltdown. Nothing makes sense. Every morning, the same thing happens. You feel like you’ve tried everything, but things seem to be getting worse. As time passes, you begin to feel overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. The well-meaning advice from family and friends to show "tough love" seems simplistic, and the school reminds you of your legal duty to ensure your child attends, adding to your burden. You’re left feeling isolated, stuck in worry and helplessness.
This article explores the science behind school avoidance and its connection to anxiety. Instead of focusing solely on returning to school, we emphasise supporting the child's mental health and wellbeing. Valuable resources will be shared to help you understand your child's situation and offer the necessary support.
School refusal or school can’t?
Interestingly, there has yet to be a common term agreed upon for this phenomenon. Many people have moved away from the term ‘school refusal’ as this implies that it is a behavioural issue, and the child is consciously choosing not to attend school. It is now universally accepted that the child simply cannot attend school due to the state of their mental health or wellbeing, as their autonomic nervous system has plummeted into a state of distress.
Therefore, the term ‘School Can’t’ is now widely used, particularly in Australia. Other terms that are becoming more widely accepted are Emotionally-Based School Avoidance (ESBA) and anxiety-related absence. In this article, I will use the terms ‘school can’t’, ‘school avoidance’, and ‘anxiety-related absence’ interchangeably.
What is school can’t?
7-year-old Amy wakes up every morning intending to go to school. As she thinks about the day ahead, she feels sick in her tummy. Amy drags herself reluctantly out of bed and attempts to get dressed. Her heart is racing, and she begins to sweat as the nausea takes over. She cannot eat breakfast and finds it a challenge to stay focused and follow instructions. As her mother tries to coax her to the car, she freezes, her feet unable to move. She begins to cry and becomes more agitated as her mother tries to reason with her.
Despite her mother's reassurances, Amy's anxiety is too overwhelming for her to leave the house. Her mother sits with her, but Amy cannot verbalise what she is experiencing. Her exasperated mother calls the school and tells them that, once again, Amy will stay home.
Amy’s situation is very different from that of a child who does not ‘want’ to attend school. At some point, all children go through a stage of not wanting to go to school, just like we, as adults, have days where we would rather stay in bed than go to work. In a ‘School Can’t’ context, the child’s autonomic nervous system has gone into distress, placing her into a survival state. For some reason, Amy’s nervous system has perceived school as a threat, which then protects her by activating her flight/freeze response (avoidance is a key component of anxiety). If pushed too far by her mother, her fight response may also switch on, and she may even become aggressive. Read this article to learn more about the three stages of our autonomic nervous system.
When discussing school anxiety-related absences with parents and teachers, I prefer to focus on the state of the child’s nervous system. Both parents and teachers generally find it challenging to understand what is happening in a child’s inner world, as children find it almost impossible to verbalise the experience of anxiety logically, and external behaviours can often appear irrational and ‘manipulated’. However, delving into our physiology and survival instincts can explain a child’s avoidant behaviours and help provide support that is both trauma-informed and compassionate.
What contributes to school avoidance?
It is often difficult for a child to pinpoint a specific reason, as a myriad of minor incidents or simply a feeling of insecurity may have contributed to the threat perceived by the nervous system. The child’s behaviour may appear irrational to his teachers and parents, adding to the frustration felt by those trying to support the child.
While many factors may cause a child to develop an avoidant response to school, viewing this via a nervous system lens, we start to see some commonalities.
Common contributing factors are:
Anxiety - children who experience social, generalised, or separation anxiety may find school particularly overwhelming for several reasons. The anxious brain requires a level of predictability and control to function effectively. A hectic environment activates the anxious brain, perceiving the world around it as a threat. A child in this situation will seek ways of maintaining some control in their life and rejecting things that feel out of control. School is often a place where children feel they have little control.
Bullying- we know that feeling unsafe around another child or group of children causes the nervous system to activate. Our brains are designed to keep us alive and will not generally send us into a situation it perceives as unsafe.
Social challenges- when friendships are ‘on again/off again’, or a child feels isolated and lonely, their nervous system may perceive this as unsafe, as it won’t know what to expect from day to day.
School curriculum and schedules- our overloaded curriculums and busy schedules, particularly in primary schools, are a significant factor in the high numbers of younger children experiencing ‘School Can’t’. Children need stability and consistency to feel safe and meet their learning potential, but school life often feels like a daily race. For a child who may already be experiencing anxiety, the busy day, with so many transitions between teachers and classes, can feel threatening.
Family Challenges/Major Life Events- even small changes can be complex for children’s brains to process. When there is a family breakdown, the loss of a family member or pet, moving house, or other major life events, children may feel overwhelmed. They may also feel physiologically safer (in their bodies) being closer to home. As a child, survival from a nervous system perspective is linked to our carers. Without them, the world can feel scary and overwhelming.
Autism- current research states that Autistic children often fall into the ‘School Can’t’ group at a much earlier age, as well as being three to four times more likely to avoid school than neurotypical children. As much as our educational environments are becoming much more inclusive, they still operate primarily from a neurotypical brain perspective, making them challenging places for the neurodiverse child.
Sensory challenges- children with sensory processing challenges may find classrooms too noisy, uniforms too irritating, and lighting or crowds that cause their nervous systems to overload. Sensory overload is a common experience, creating a sense of distress and resulting in an avoidant response.
Why tough love doesn't work?
When a child’s nervous system enters a state of fight, flight, and/or freeze, the child’s ‘thinking’ brain goes offline. Trying to negotiate, have a logical discussion, and seek understanding is almost impossible in this state. When applying pressure to force compliance, a child’s nervous system will only move further into distress, as the child will not feel a sense of safety. In the short term, one of two things may occur: the child will move further into the fight/flight/freeze response, or they will simply comply and go to school. In the latter context, the child has most likely moved into a shut-down response, so even though externally, we may see compliance, this has far from solved the situation. Research shows that, in the long term, the ‘tough love’ approach will likely result in an increased risk of significant anxiety and/or depression.
So, what does work?
Ultimately, we need to explore what we want for our child. Is the endpoint about getting the child back to school, or is the process wrapped around our values of nurturing our child’s wellbeing and helping them return to school feeling empowered and supported? When looking at solutions from a nervous system perspective, several factors are required to support the nervous system's return from a survival response state to its safe state, where your child can learn and grow at their best:
Compassion: Let your child know you hear them and that you will work through this together. Reassure them that they are not alone. Practice self-compassion and acknowledge how difficult this is for you as a parent.
Connection: Seek support from other parents who have been through a similar experience. Every parent I connect with through my work tells me how alone they feel. There are organisations to support you, so please reach out to them. I have listed some at the end of this article.
Reset the nervous system: A child’s nervous system can become trapped in a state of fight/flight/freeze. To return flexibility to the nervous system, a child requires time to relax with periods of little to no pressure. Daily outdoor walks, meditation, breathwork, yoga, sensory experiences (playing with sand, clay, or water), guided relaxation, mindful arts and crafts, and listening to music are all effective ways to calm the mind and body. Like anything, these strategies take time to work and must be regular. Explore what resonates with your child, and gently encourage them to do these things with you. Ask them how they feel in their body after each activity, as this helps the brain connect with the body. To manage anxiety, a child needs to understand how their bodies work.
Control: Allow a sense of control to return to your child’s life. Ask your child if they know what would help them return to school. In all of the successful returns to school that I have been involved in, the deciding factor was how much control the child felt they had. Some children successfully return to school on a negotiated contract, but this still needs to be flexible, as a child cannot commit to having their anxiety under control by a specific date. It simply doesn’t work that way. A child may be able to attend school for an hour per day for a week, but by the following week, they are struggling again rather than being able to increase to two hours per day. Flexibility is key here.
Celebrate: Our brains have their own reward system. When the brain senses a feeling of achievement, dopamine is produced, and the brain then decides it wants more of that feeling. A celebration may be as simple as a hug and words to the effect of, “I knew you could do that”. Try not to focus on setbacks, as they will happen. Being human can often mean going one step forward and two steps backward.
Communication: Clear communication creates a healthy connection with your child’s school. Request involvement from the school psychologist or counsellor so that the focus can remain on your child's wellbeing. Demand flexibility to support your child’s return to school. Schools are often under pressure from the system also, but adherence to a rigid system should never be placed before your child’s mental health and wellbeing. Remind the school that your child cannot learn effectively until their anxiety is managed, and this must be the highest priority.
Acceptance: Sometimes, the mainstream school environment may not be the right place for your child. If you and the school have tried, but things are not improving, you may decide to look for alternative options. These alternatives may include homeschooling, unschooling, or schools with philosophies founded on wellbeing principles, such as Montessori or Steiner.
A note: Please avoid telling the child that the parent will receive a fine or be summoned to court if they do not return to school. A broken system is not the child’s fault; this kind of pressure will only send an activated nervous system spiralling.
Taking care of yourself to help regulate your child
On a final note, please continue to take care of yourself. Co-regulation is one of the most significant contributing factors to a child’s healthy nervous system, so it is crucial to take care of yourself to help your child. School avoidance can place a huge burden on parents, families, and children, so please reach out and continue to support your wellbeing.
Resources to help parents
In the UK- Not Fine In Schools
In the USA- School Avoidance Alliance
In Australia- School Can’t Australia
To learn more about nurturing your child’s nervous system or to engage in Parent Coaching with Danielle, visit her website.
Read more from Danielle Hayes
Danielle Hayes, Counsellor, Educator, Parent Coach, Speaker
Danielle Hayes is passionate about addressing the rising levels of anxiety in our children and adolescents. Danielle experienced childhood anxiety, herself, and believes that supporting parents and educators to understand how trauma is stored in our bodies is the key to helping children heal. As an educator and counsellor with over three decades of experience, she has complemented her studies with holistic approaches such as yoga, meditation and somatic therapy.
Danielle founded Calm Kids: Counselling & Wellbeing Services to help families access holistic, child-centered therapy services, including art, yoga, play, somatic and mindfulness therapies.
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