Written by: Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Vivan was a slightly plump 35-year-old who loved animals, especially cats. Vivan had worked at an animal shelter for several years and loved the role she had as ‘care custodian’. She had been married to Victor, a local architect, for 10 years.
“I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.” – Winston Churchill, politician
“Her concern for her “babies” was paramount.”
Vivian pointed out, that while they had no children, they did have two cats (Snowball and Velvet) and two dogs (Bert and Ernie), which gave them ‘special spirits’ to love, and whose care, kept them quite busy.
She told me what had got her to book a consult were two things which were connected. The first was Victor’s suggestion that she address her anger outbursts with a professional. The second was Victor also thought her anger was stressing out their four ‘babies.’
This was the clincher for Vivan. Her concern for her “babies” was paramount. She called me right away.
“…can I offer you, the Seven Anger Essentials everyone needs to know?”
I asked her to describe one of her anger outbursts in detail…how it happened, when, where, and who witnessed it.
Vivan described a recent incident in her kitchen which Victor observed while having his morning coffee. It was early in the morning and she was so upset at one of her cats, Velvet, that she threw her pet’s food dish at her because she would not eat the new food Vivan had recently gotten for her.
She added at the end of her soliloquy,
“Ken, I was so upset at myself, I felt so guilty…I was disoriented all day and hardly slept that night.”
I said to her,
“Vivan, can I offer you, the Seven Anger Essentials everyone needs to know?”
“If you think it will help…sure!” she replied, caution in her tone.
“Well, if nothing else, it may help you decide if I can assist you…because these are the foundation for how I would approach our work together. Still game?” I asked.
She paused briefly before replying, “Sure, go ahead.”
“Are you saying my anger is about my values and my past…?”
“First, it is important to remember, all feelings are OK. It is how we choose to express them that can be problematic. And, the second essential is, managing our emotions is a vital life skill everyone needs to acquire as soon as possible.”
“Those two seem pretty straightforward.”
“Third, we create our good and bad feelings based on our highest values which have come from our past experiences. When our values are being supported, we create good feelings. But, when our values are being challenged, we create bad feelings.”
“Are you saying my anger is about my values and my past, Ken?”
“That would be my best guess. We will find out, if you are willing to do the work involved.” I offered.
Then, I continued,
“… what we are doing and thinking create our feelings, so that if we change one or both…”
“The fourth essential is, expressing anger at people and events outside us can be a ‘safer target’ for our feelings than directing it inside us where our self-esteem is located, and all our choices are made.”
“Are you suggesting I’m angry at myself and Velvet is just a cover for it?”
“Again, if you do the work, we can find out, Vivan.”
“This is interesting Ken, what are the rest?”
“Number five is what we are doing and thinking create our feelings, so that if we change one or both, it changes how we feel and also the physiology of our body.”
“You mean I can control my feelings with what I think and do, …really?”
“You sure can! It is what athletes are practicing and coaches are trying to foster in all sports.”
“That sounds useful to me…actually to anyone!” she responded, a lift in her voice and eyes.
“…we can’t run from ourselves anymore than we can run from the wind.”
“The six essential is, like your values and the thinking and feelings they generate, anger is a learning tool for your survival and well-being. So, your feelings are important opportunities to grow.”
“You are telling me my anger outbursts are an opportunity…are you serious, Ken?”
“Vivan, I’m very serious. And lastly, seven, you have a choice of whether to learn from this opportunity or try to avoid it. Many people run from their anger while trying to ignore it.
“I haven’t been able to so far. But, why can’t I just let it go and move on?”
Because we can’t run from ourselves any more than we can run from the wind. The wind is all around us just like our memories.”
“Do you mean I can’t escape my anger, I can only learn to understand its source and figure out how to deal with it…how to learn from it?” she said, questioningly.
“That’s right, Vivan! Do you want to do that?”
“…so you will attract, and be attracted to, one or more of four kinds of events…”
“What happens if I continue to try to avoid it, Ken?”
“Vivan, let’s stand back and take a bird’s eye view. Research now suggests the laws of our natural systems, our universe, are more than 40 billion years old.”
“That sounds like before The Big Bang I read about.”
“There is some recent data from the James Webb Telescope suggesting it may be even before that, Vivan.
These laws have prevailed and keep our universe operating efficiently. They apply to all things in our universe, including our species. So, they are intended to optimize our well-being and survival. So also with our anger.”
“But, that doesn’t tell me what happens if I avoid dealing with my anger outbursts…what will happen instead?” she said, needing to know the cost of staying where she was.
“Vivian, natural laws strive to enhance your survival, so you will attract, and be attracted to, one or more of four kinds of events: first, additional stress sources for you to anger about; second, lower priority distractions to annoy you more; third, additional new events to humble you to learn; and fourth, tragedies to stop you in your tracks to learn.”
“…I really cannot avoid my anger, I can only delay facing it …”
“What are they supposed to do, Ken?”
“Vivian, nature does this to all humans. Their job is to create more pain in your life which motivates you to learn what you need for your survival!” I replied.
“So, I really cannot avoid my anger, I can only delay facing it…is that what you mean?”
“Yes, Vivan! That is it exactly! What would you like to do?”
“I think I need to deal with it now, otherwise I could jeopardize many important relationships with people and pets. How do we begin, Ken?”
“We will start by identifying your highest values and then uncover the value of your anger. Are you ready to begin now?”
“Yes, I am!”
“OK! Let’s begin!”
“…she wanted ‘a human baby’ now.”
Vivan did the work and uncovered the source of her anger. I found out that when she married Victor she was not interested in children of her own and Victor was of the same perspective. But her brother had a baby last year and now she was a very, attentive aunt, grabbing any chance to be with this new niece.
And, she wanted children of her own. But, she hadn’t shared this with Victor. She was afraid to do so, fearing he would not be receptive. The stress from her frustration with herself and worry about how Victor might respond, were being played out in her anger outbursts.
Unconsciously, she perceived, it was safer for her future relationship with Victor to express her confusion at Velvet. At one point, she expressed it this way, “Ken, I want a human baby, but, Victor may not.” This conscious realization enabled her to work out what she was going to do to reconcile her value in having a baby with her initial disinterest in doing so.
As she worked to evolve her awareness and the values beneath them, she and Victor worked it out… together. She was surprised when Victor also expressed an admiration for his new niece.
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.” – Ann Landers, journalist
Points to ponder and remember
All feelings are human “learning tools” including anger.
Managing our emotions, especially anger, is a vital life skill everyone needs to acquire as soon as possible.”
We create both our good and bad feelings based on our highest values which have come from our past experiences.
When our values are being supported, we create good feelings.
When our values are being challenged, we create bad feelings.
Expressing anger at people or events outside us is an unconscious, ‘safer target’ than inside, especially if we have fragile self-esteem.
What we are doing and thinking, at that moment, creates our feelings, so, if we change one or both, it changes how we feel and the physiology of our body.
So anger is a learning tool for your survival and well-being, an important opportunity to grow.”
You have a personal choice of whether to learn from anger or try to ignore it.
Ignoring anger attracts, four new forms of painful events to motivate you to learn, evolve or die: added stressors, distracting stressors, humbling stressors and tragic stressors.
Visit my website for more info!
Ken Pierce, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years. He has served thousands of people of all ages from a diverse spectrum of life challenges. This group include executives, teams, organizations, individuals, couples and families. He has served on the faculty of two post-secondary institutions, Holland College and the University of Prince Edward Island.
Ken was also the first psychologist globally to achieve Master Facilitator credentials with the renowned Demartini Institute and is a Senior Faculty of the Glasser Institute. He has spoken at many regional, national and international events. As head of the The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. (TPI), a community service facility, he is a leader in moving clinical psychology forward by transforming a labelling and medicating focus to appreciating human adaptions as tools for empowerment. This is demonstrated in the latest research in evolutionary anthropology, biology, neurology, psychiatry and psychology. This scientific approach is found in the work of Drs. William Glasser and John Demartini and the services of TPI.
Ken resides in Stratford, Prince Edward Island with Anna, his partner of 50 years. They have three daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
