You Were Never Meant to Do This Alone
- Brainz Magazine
- 5 days ago
- 7 min read
Written by Katy MacDonald, Mental Health Counselor
Katy MacDonald is a licensed mental health counselor specializing in perinatal mental health and is the founder of Andover Therapy Services. With certifications in perinatal mental health, Katy's practice focuses on supporting clients navigating the intersection of trauma and parenting, from pre-conception through the early years of child-rearing.
Modern parenthood can feel like an emotional paradox, filled with love, yet steeped in loneliness. Many parents enter this chapter expecting a village, only to find themselves navigating it in isolation. Somewhere between the ideal and the reality, a quiet ache begins to form, one that’s rarely spoken about, yet widely felt. This article explores that ache, the systemic reasons behind it, and gentle, realistic ways to move toward the connection we all long for. Because the truth is: you were never meant to do this alone.
The quiet ache of modern parenthood
Let’s be honest. Parenthood is supposed to come with a village, friends, family, and a community that wraps around you and your new baby. But what I hear from so many parents is just the opposite:
“I thought this would feel more connected, but instead, I feel so alone.”
If this sounds familiar, you are not alone. No one prepares you for the invisible ache of loneliness that can settle in during the early days and months of becoming a parent. The loneliness of modern parenthood has quietly become the norm, not because you’re failing, but because the systems around you are.
Even before I was pregnant, I had visions of what early motherhood would feel like. In my daydreams, my carefully crafted birth plan went seamlessly, my complexion was radiant, and the first moments of meeting my baby were captured by my enthusiastic and grateful husband. I envisioned my family anxiously waiting outside the hospital room, ready to care for any need I might have. I imagined being surrounded by loved ones doting on the new baby, but especially on me, as I found my footing in motherhood. Having moved to a new community and living far from family, I hoped I would naturally find a circle of friends in the same life stage, eager to build connections and share this experience.
It’s a hopeful vision: that parenthood will organically bring friendship, solidarity, and shared understanding.
But then there is reality, and it looked nothing like what I had envisioned. I was lonely, and I felt unfamiliar to myself. In my practice, what I hear most often from mothers (and some fathers) echoes my own experience:
“I feel so alone.”
“I don’t understand why I can’t seem to find my people.”
“I feel like I can’t relate to anyone anymore.”
Isolation isn’t just common in modern parenthood, it has quietly become the norm. And this isn’t because of personal shortcomings or a lack of effort. The problem isn’t you. It’s the systems we live in.
The disappearing village: How culture and systems fail parents
Scott Galloway, in his article Friends, highlights a concerning trend: since 1990, the percentage of Americans reporting fewer than three close friends has doubled, from 16% to 32%. This is alarming, especially considering that new parenthood is already a time when community and connection are essential.
A recent study by The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center (April 2024) found that about two-thirds (66%) of parents report sometimes or frequently feeling isolated and lonely due to the demands of parenthood. Sixty-two percent experience burnout, and nearly 38% feel they lack support in their parenting role. Even more telling, 79% expressed a desire to connect with other parents outside of work and home, but they simply don’t know how. They feel nervous, insecure, and vulnerable.
It’s far more common than you’d think. A 2021 report from the Harvard Graduate School of Education found that over one in three Americans (36%) reported “serious loneliness,” with parents of young children among the most affected groups. Many parents reported feeling isolated and unsupported, even while surrounded by others in work and home environments. The study also noted that 43% of young adults feel persistently lonely, reinforcing how isolation often begins early in adulthood and intensifies during major life transitions like parenthood.
Similarly, the Survey Center on American Life found that parents today are less likely than ever to socialize regularly with close friends, and the number of Americans with no close friends has quadrupled since 1990.
The old saying “It takes a village to raise a child” remains true. But for many modern parents, the village is missing.
Why are we so alone in parenting today?
Modern parenthood, especially motherhood, is burdened by a complex web of systemic and cultural challenges that contribute to exhaustion and isolation. To name just a few:
Geographic distance: Many families live far from extended relatives due to career demands, housing costs, or lifestyle choices, cutting off access to intergenerational caregiving support.
Perfectionism and hyper-responsibility: Society places impossible expectations on mothers to be endlessly nurturing, emotionally available, manage the home, hold a job, and never show cracks. This breeds guilt and the false belief that asking for help equals failure.
Lack of paid parental leave: In the U.S., 25% of birthing parents return to work within just two weeks of giving birth (U.S. Department of Labor). Dr. Gabor Maté highlights this as a systemic failure to support the biological and emotional needs of the postpartum period.
The invisible load: Even with supportive partners, many mothers quietly carry the mental and emotional labor of keeping the family running. It’s an exhausting, lonely burden that often goes unseen and unspoken.
Social media pressures: Curated images of family life can make it seem like everyone else has it all together while you silently struggle to stay afloat.
Loss of community spaces: Neighborhood centers, playground chats, and casual gatherings once offered a lifeline. Now, many of these spaces are gone or harder to access.
The lingering impact of COVID-19: The pandemic further frayed our social fabric, leaving many parents over-reliant on screens while hungering for real, face-to-face connection.
It’s no wonder so many parents today feel profoundly alone, carrying far more than they were ever meant to carry by themselves.
Small but meaningful steps toward connection
Despite these challenges, the story isn’t over. Not by a long shot. While we cannot rebuild an entire village overnight, we can begin to name what’s missing, soften the expectations we carry, and take small but meaningful steps toward connection.
Whether it’s reaching out to another parent at the playground, sharing honestly with a friend, or simply allowing yourself to admit this is hard, you are already pushing back against the tide of isolation.
The truth is, we were never meant to do this alone. And you don’t have to.
Meaningful ways to reconnect (even if the village feels far away)
While we may not have the built-in community structures of generations past, connection is still possible, and it often begins with the smallest steps. From my personal and professional experience, these three steps can gently ease the weight of loneliness.
1. Reconnect with yourself
Before we can truly connect with others, we need to come home to ourselves. This isn’t about perfection; it’s about presence.
Self-compassionate check-ins: Pause daily to ask yourself, What am I feeling? What do I need?
Mindful micro-moments: Step outside, take three grounding breaths, and feel your feet on the earth.
Notice the small wins: At the end of each day, acknowledge one thing you did well.
Write a letter to yourself: Especially on hard days, recognize the unseen labor you carry and thank yourself for it.
2. Reconnect with community (even if it feels out of reach)
Community doesn’t have to be a big village. It can start with one conversation.
Seek low-pressure spaces: Storytimes, library visits, or casual walks where connection happens organically.
Start small and specific: Text one person today just to say, “Thinking of you. How are you doing?”
Give yourself permission to go first: It’s brave to reach out, and many others are wishing for connection too.
Explore parent support groups or baby-and-me classes: Even virtual spaces can offer real moments of solidarity.
3. Reconnect with your people (or find new ones)
It’s okay if your people aren’t who you expected, or if you’re still finding them.
Seek values-based connections: Find people who share your values, not just your circumstances.
Embrace imperfect friendships: Allow space for relationships that aren’t perfect but offer kindness and presence.
Therapy or support groups: These spaces can be invaluable, especially when navigating grief, birth trauma, or identity shifts.
Borrow a village: Lean on a family friend, neighbor, or coworker, even for a season.
Remember: Connection doesn’t require you to feel "ready." It only asks that you’re open, even a little, to letting someone see you as you are.
The village might feel far away, but piece by piece, step by step, you can begin to build your own circle of care. And it starts not with a grand gesture, but with one small act of reaching out, to yourself or to someone else.
Coming full circle
I didn’t find the seamless village I once imagined and yearned for in my early parenting daydreams. But what I have found, in moments both big and small, is that connection grows when I let myself reach out, imperfectly, vulnerably, and sometimes awkwardly. Each step toward connection matters. So if you’re feeling alone right now, I hope you’ll remember: You don’t have to build the whole village today. Just open the door to one small moment of connection, and let that be enough.
Read more from Katy MacDonald
Katy MacDonald, Mental Health Counselor
Katy MacDonald is a licensed mental health counselor specializing in perinatal and maternal mental health and the founder of Andover Therapy Services LLC, a group mental health practice. Katy's work centers on guiding clients through the complex emotions associated with the journey from pre-conception through early parenthood. She provides specialized support to those navigating trauma, deep grief related to pregnancy and infant loss, and the unique challenges of infertility and reproductive struggles. Using evidence-based approaches like EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) and Ego-Parts Therapy, Katy helps clients cultivate self-compassion and deepen their self-understanding during this vulnerable life stage.
.jpg)