Written by: Dr Clare Stone, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I, myself, used to be fooled by this very concept of ‘you can have it all’. It sounds empowering and enticing, doesn’t it? You can have the perfect house, career, and relationship, great social and family life, be the perfect parent, live the lifestyle you dreamed of with a healthy and fit body, loads of fun hobbies, travel far and wide, strive to develop yourself, and expand your mind. Pause for just one second. Hands up how many people think this is all rather a tall order?
Trying to have it all and be exceptionally good at everything means that we often set expectations way too high without realising it. The reality is that we are setting ourselves up to fail from the very beginning as a result. Saying ‘yes’ to everything means that we are unconsciously sacrificing time on that which matters most to us. If you want to learn how to change this, keep reading!
I understand that there may be some resistance against this idea, where it could be proposed that by not aiming to have it all, you are lowering expectations. In other words ‘quitting’ or ‘setting your sights too low’. I unequivocally challenge this by arguing that when we try to do it all, we are spreading ourselves too thin and therefore increase the chances of failure by a rather large margin. It also means that we are not assessing what is most important to us in life and therefore we may be sacrificing success in areas that matter most to us. All under the guise of trying to be everything to everyone.
The old phrase ‘Jack of all trades; Master of none’ comes to mind here.
In my profession, as a counselling and coaching psychologist, I have come across this multiple times. These often unconscious beliefs, encourage people to overstretch themselves, overwork, and ultimately burn themselves out. Too many plates spinning means that some, or all, will come crashing down. Some of those plates are just too valuable to smash. They need protected.
When we inevitably do not manage to ‘have it all’, this can lead to us feeling like a failure. It directly impacts on self-esteem as we tend to compare against others and assume they have it ‘all together’ and we don’t. The inaccurate rose-tinted portrayal of lives on social media and our typical inability to communicate difficulties most definitely contribute towards this unrealistic assumption. Nonetheless, we tend to assume that we are the failure, when in reality it is the unreachable target of ‘having it all’ which is really to blame.
Now for the delicious bit…
Accepting the idea that ‘we cannot have it all’ does not mean we need to be defeatist and resign ourselves to not achieving what we want; in fact quite the opposite is true. This means that we can devote one of our most valuable resources, our time, to what matters most and achieve astronomical results. For a simple mathematical example: in the space of one day if you usually focus on 20 different tasks but can narrow this down to 4 that truly matter and make a difference, think of how much more progress you can make in those 4 areas! How much more time you will have to devote on each of those.
When you start to succeed in the things that truly matter you can begin to feel a real sense of achievement and contentment. There is also a freedom in letting some things go, or eliminating pressure that may be coming from explicit or perceived expectations of others. If you find yourself saying ‘I should be doing this’, it is often a red flag where you can challenge yourself to question why SHOULD you be doing it, who says, why?
Time to change our focus…
Perhaps now you are sold on the idea of no longer trying to have it all, but instead strive to focus on what matters most. Sounds great in theory, but how do I actually go about putting this into action? At times it can still feel as though ALL things are important, so how do we narrow down to the essentials. You will find some tasks below to get you started.
How to focus on what truly matters:
Learn what your values are and what matters most in your life, putting them in order of importance (there are some helpful exercises using Acceptance and Commitment Coaching worksheets that can assist if you feel a bit lost by this idea).
Identify and rule out expectations of others or unhelpful expectations you have of yourself that do not match your own values (if you feel as though you SHOULD be doing something, ask yourself WHY).
Create long and short term goals for yourself (this can be in many areas of life and does not just have to relate to your career).
Learn how to prioritise tasks (the Eisenhower matrix is a great resource for this).
Use the 80/20 principle by Richard Koch and find the small amount of tasks that make the biggest impact.
Write your weekly schedule out on a timetable format and start to review it by considering what you can let go of entirely, what you can delegate/outsource and what you are missing that you would like more of.
For those wishing to take this concept further I would highly recommend the book ‘Essentialism: The Disciplined Pursuit of Less’ by Greg McKeown. In whatever finite time we have on this planet, I wish you all the best of luck in pursuing what matters most to you.
Dr Clare Stone, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr Clare Stone is a specialist in life-purpose, performance and transformational coaching. Her strong belief is that we can use psychological knowledge to help others to truly flourish and live a life filled with purpose, meaning and contentment. She created the social media platform ‘Elevate Psychology’, with the mission of spreading the message of Positive Psychology to a wider audience. Dr Stone is fully committed to helping others to reach their fullest potential through self-development, lifelong growth and sense of accomplishment.
Dr Clare Stone began her career as a Counselling Psychologist, and now runs her own successful and busy Psychology business called Dr Stone Elevate. She specialises in transformational coaching and trauma therapy. Dr Stone prides herself on providing the highest quality mental health care, using holistic and customised evidence-based psychological interventions. Dr Stone has a passion for helping her clients to realise, achieve and even surpass their identified goals. She was also a Professional Development tutor and occasional Lecturer on the Doctorate for Counselling Psychology at Glasgow Caledonian University.
