Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I’m going to start with a personal story.
I have never taken my biological age seriously – and I still don’t.
Many years ago, when I was working at the Institute of Directors in London, I was part of a team with two young men.
They were both 29 and were talking about how they would soon turn 30 – the end of their youth. The end of the world.
I had to laugh. “What are you talking about!, I exclaimed, I’m going to be 60 next month!”
I suddenly stopped mid-sentence, unexpectedly overwhelmed with a feeling of vulnerability.
I had recently been notified that I was due to receive my State Pension.
I started thinking – “I’m going to be an OAP (Old Age Pensioner)! I will no longer have anything to contribute!”
By the way, in those days the official retirement age at the Institute of Directors was 65 so nothing had actually changed – except my mindset.
Over the next couple of months, I kept thinking about what it meant to me to be 60.
After all that agonising I finally reached a conclusion.
It meant – NOTHING!
Many people find the idea of growing older quite daunting.
They believe that ageing means both physical and mental decline, one that starts right after they retire, if not before.
What nonsense!
The older person isn’t the only one who believes it’s all the way to ‘the Pearly Gates’.
Their families seem to believe it too.
Grace (not her real name), told me that her daughter won’t let her babysit her young grandchildren because, she told her, she’s certain that she wouldn’t be able to cope.
And yet, nothing gives older people more pleasure than the opportunity to spoil their grandchildren. That’s what grandparents do, don’t they?
It really saddens me how many older people tell me that their families are often impatient and patronising. Apparently, they also make all kinds of assumptions about what an older person can or cannot be or do.
Such careless behaviour tends to result in a drip-drip-drip effect that erodes the older person’s self-confidence and self-respect.
They begin to believe other people’s assumptions about them and slowly begin to retreat from making the valuable contribution they could make to their own and other people’s lives.
In his bestseller, ‘The Blue Zone – 9 Lessons for living longer from the people who’ve lived the longest’, Dan Buettner researched countries as diverse as Sardinia, Okinawa, California and Costa Rica where he found clusters of centenarians and older.
You can click on the link below to find it on Amazon.
Of the various elements contributing to their longevity there was one that really struck me.
The importance of relationships with family and friends.
It’s a proven fact that most people enjoy the company of other people.
Lockdown due to Covid-19 has caused huge suffering and a decline in mental health.
Imagine then what it must be like to be patronized and excluded because, in the West, ageism tends to be rampant.
But in the Blue Zone, older people are treated very differently.
As Dan Buettner found, they tend to be surrounded by family and friends who genuinely care about them and who value the wisdom they’ve accumulated over a very long life.
In other words what he’s talking about are the things that give the older person a sense of fulfilment, a good life, the sense of being valued and cared for and the sense that they’re liked ‒ all of which gives them a sense of belonging.
Those are the things that make their life worthwhile and their days take on more meaning.
Sadly, in the West, the opposite is true.
Yes, growing older does bring many significant changes such as retirement, widowhood, children leaving for University and so on.
But, although some changes bring loss, other changes can bring a sense of freedom and new opportunities.
I have noticed that there are two very different types of older people.
The first group is, I believe, more at risk.
These are people who are still employed and are nearing retirement age.
Retirement can be a huge shock for many people, men and women alike.
Some are able to adjust to their new circumstances but others are not so lucky.
Far too many tend to feel keenly the loss of companionship, their work role and, with it, the sense of making a contribution, have influence, an identity and, especially, a structure to their day.
And then there is the second type.
These include those who have been (and continue to be) self-employed, experts in one thing or another.
I am aged 77 and have no intention to stop my work as life coach, writer, speaker, facilitator and whatever else comes my way – even if it means stretching my comfort zone.
In fact, I have noticed that the older I get, the more I have to give.
I am by no means unique.
All of my friends whose ages range from 50 to over 90 are totally independent and continue to make a significant contribution to the lives of their families, friends and community.
Not all of them are self-employed but what they all have in common is a sense of purpose, either their families or something outside of themselves like volunteer work.
For example, my friend Jen is 73 and is a Samaritan.
Thea, my 93-year old friend mentioned recently that some people have started asking her when she’s planning to slow down. The question baffled her. “Why on earth should I?”, she replied.
But, when some people, sometimes even their own family, start treating them with barely disguised impatience as if they were a burden instead of a valuable resource with all the knowledge, skills, experience and wisdom accumulated over a lifetime that they could share if only there were somebody to listen, it’s easy to start seeing themselves as ‘over the hill’, ‘invisible’, ‘useless’, ‘past it’.
However, it would be wrong to put all the blame on others.
Many older people need to take responsibility for people’s thoughtless behaviour because they allow it without putting a stop to it.
One reason they don’t, as some of my clients have told me, is that they hate confrontation.
But stopping careless and inconsiderate behavior is essential for your mental health and self-confidence, and need not be confrontational.
You could say something like, “Hold on a minute! When you talk to me in that patronising way I feel angry and hurt! Please stop it!”
Or you might say, “please don’t make assumptions about what I can or cannot do!”.
If you are the younger person, you might want to think about what ageing means to you and how you would like to be treated if you were in their shoes.
You might like to read Dr Deepak Chopra’s ‘Ageless Body, Timeless Mind: A practical alternative to growing old’ – a huge bestseller.
Stop scaring yourself!
Of course, it’s easier said than done.
How do you start?
Why not start by taking a look at the achievements of older people?
Take a look at this link ‒ Senior Accomplishments that Will Inspire You (amadaseniorcare.com)
Or take a look at me.
I’m 77 and my Sixties and Seventies so far are the best ever!
My health improved hugely since, aged 60, I left my unhappy marriage of 37 years.
That’s because, as countless studies have shown, there’s a proven link between the quality of our relationships and the quality of our health and wellbeing.
In the 10 years that followed since I left my marriage I went on to rebuild my life, set up my coaching practice as a Relationship Coach, wrote two books and, unexpectedly, started to attract wonderful people into my life – I say ‘unexpectedly’ because my history was littered with lukewarm relationships, not just my marriage but my friendships too.
My autobiography is available on Amazon ‒ Dancing with the Mask: Amazon.co.uk: Sue Plumtree: 9780956027009: Books
which was followed by my next book Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships: Amazon.co.uk: Plumtree, Sue: 9780956027016: Books.
I went on adventures.
In 2015, when I was 70, I went on my most amazing one – a paragliding holiday in Turkey. Just for fun, take a look at my picture on my website, www.sueplumtree.com
I was the happiest and most fulfilled ever – or so I thought.
Two weeks after I got back I met Dave, also 70, who turned out to be the love of my life and now my husband.
Ours is an amazing relationship.
I tend to say that I’m an expert in screwing up relationships as well as how to develop loving and durable ones – all of which I like to share, not only because it can help others avoid my own mistakes but also because it gives meaning to my suffering.
Now take a look at yourself.
What challenges and obstacles have you overcome, what have you learned from your mistakes and your own suffering?
What learnings can you share with others, your children, your grandchildren?
Is there a dream you’ve buried that aches to come out?
Irrespective of whether you’re the older or the younger person, if you want to find a way to connect with others in an authentic way then the place to start is with yourself.
Please download my free e-book ‘Make Friends with Yourself’. It will show you how – one step at a time.
Go to www.sueplumtree.com and scroll halfway down the Home Page.
Alternatively, you can contact me on 07903 795027 or sue@sueplumtree.com
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’ is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015 aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship as well as how it affects our emotional, mental health, and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
