Written by: Nicole Dupuis, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Why is active listening so integral to our lives, but so hard to define and even harder to implement?
What does it mean to actively listen?
The first line of the Wikipedia article about active listening states: “Active listening is the practice of preparing to listen, observing what verbal and non-verbal message sare being sent, and then providing appropriate feedback for the sake of showing attentiveness to the message being presented.” This definition leaves a lot to be imagined about what it means to listen versus hear, or to be mindful and present versus distracted and focused on your thoughts. With the expectation of the excerpt about verbal and non-verbal cues, this definition just doesn’t cut it. The fact that Wikipedia doesn’t define active listening accurately tells me that we are all still a little fuzzy on what exactly it means to actively listen. It has become a buzz phrase in most professions but it is often left unexplained. The reason? Perhaps we hope everyone already knows what it means. But my guess is, as you reflect on your most recent professional conversations, you probably will disagree. How can we understand and implement the concept of active listening?
Listening versus hearing. How many times have you been chatting with a friend, a family member, or a business colleague and you are almost 100% focused on your next statement as the other person finishes his/hers? The answer is probably close to infinity, correct? Actively listening implies a real presence to what is being said. It means not thinking about what you are about to say next, how your idea is much better, or what point you want to make sure not to forget. That is hearing. You are absorbing the sounds of someone else talking. Listening is different. It is connecting with the words, the content, and the meat of what is being talked about. It is full immersion into what the other person is saying, the emotions with which it is said, the words being chosen, what is being repeated, and the person’s tone of voice.
Challenge: Focus on being present in your next conversation. When your mind starts to wander to what you will say next or what’s for lunch, become aware of your wandering mind and bring yourself back to the present conversation. I call this “meeting meditation” because it is mirroring the practice of meditation; noticing your monkey mind wander to other thoughts and bringing your attention back to your breath. What I’m Not Saying: This part Wikipedia got right. Actively listening is being present to the person’s story, how they are telling it, what words, inflections of the voice, and tone, come with the story. In addition, non-verbal communication is also important. This includes body language, eye contact (or lack thereof), pauses, and silences in the conversation. If someone starts to tell you a story and he adjusts his seat and fixes his jacket and his toes start to tap the floor, it could imply stress, nervousness, or discomfort. If someone starts looking down as she tells you about a project that is delayed, she may feel fear, shame, or concern about the repercussions. Non-verbal communication is also tuning into what is being said between the words. Sometimes we skirt around the main issue or we say things without saying them. If a team member starts listing off all his responsibilities and that he has come into the office early every day this week and has been working after his kids go to bed at night, what is not being said (most likely) is that he is stressed, that he may need some help or a deadline extension.
Challenge: If you have meetings on any video conferencing platform, encourage team members to turn their cameras on if they don’t often do so. It helps to tune into those non-verbal cues and can make a conversation feel more supportive of human connection. Don’t Tell, Ask: My biggest bone to pick (though I have many) with the Wikipedia definition is the idea of “providing appropriate feedback for the sake of showing attentiveness.” What that says to me is, I will give you some advice just so you know I was listening. Most of us are not lacking in people giving us advice or talking to us (or sometimes over us). But we are short on people asking us to speak more. I find in many professional conversations, there is a rushed feeling of saying what I need to say in the hopes of not being too long-winded, not being interrupted or cut off, and it feels like a true accomplishment when I express a full thought. Active listening requires us to create a space where someone can talk more, not less. Rather than the emphasis being on us, whether it is through advice, feedback, or response, active listening emphasizes the speaker, not the listener. It allows a person to say what they need to say and untangle thoughts and feelings. (This is why there was a whole class on Active Listening in my coaching certification process). As active listeners, we can promote that exploration and create that space by asking questions. Rather than jumping right into response mode or more often, “fix-it” mode, ask explorative questions about what the speaker said. Basic questions like, “Can you say more about that? ”or “What makes this so top of mind for you right now?” can allow the speaker to dive further into their thoughts and feelings, becoming more self-aware, more present, more in tune with themselves and others, and perhaps more open and clear to find solutions. Not a bad outcome, right?
Challenge: The next time someone is telling you a story or even specifically asking you for advice, challenge yourself to ask 2-3 questions before giving any advice/feedback/statements. You may find that your advice is even more in line with what the speaker is looking for than usual. Filing it Away: When we don’t actively listen, the words being said go in one ear out the other. Think of the last time your spouse or roommate was telling you something and your phone was in your hand. Did you listen to what s/he said? My guess is at the time, you would say yes, but if you were forced to recollect what was said and even some non-verbal cues or inferences, it would be difficult. Active listening means the content is absorbed which means we store it should we need it for a later date. If a colleague is telling you about his pet being sick, active listening means you likely remember that fact when you see him in a meeting 3 weeks later and can ask, “How’s Moxie doing?” Active listening makes you a better conversation partner. People feel they can trust you and confide in you because what they say sticks. You are putting all the pieces together of who the other person is. If you have a team member and you meet weekly, active listening will allow you to slowly build up a file on that team member. How she learns, what triggers stress for her, what her personal life is like, does she like to collaborate on projects, and how she sees herself growing in the company. It all gets filed away so you can lead your team, know them, support them, and even promote them more accurately.
Challenge: Before entering into a conversation, think back on the last interaction you had with that same person. What do you remember about what s/he shared with you and how can that help you in the present conversation?
Active listening is not “preparing to listen” it is listening. It is not “providing appropriate feedback” it is asking more questions. It is not providing advice “for the sake of” but rather, tuning more into what the person wants and needs to target your responses more beneficially. Active listening is not only about tuning into what is being said but also how it is being said and what may be present in the silence. Through active listening we can build stronger relationships, we can enhance professional partnerships, and meet people’s needs more accurately. We can provide safe spaces where conflict is not something that is avoided, and we can embrace a culture of more honest, open, and useful communication which ultimately builds better-working cultures, more trusting relationships, and deeper connections.
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Nicole Dupuis, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nicole Dupuis' coaching background started in the financial industry where she first discovered the art of tackling topics such as confidence, communication, goal setting, and time management. Nicole's coaching encourages clients in self discovery and exploration, guiding them to the most impactful action. Nicole coaches leaders in Fortune 100 companies, and small business owners in industries such as finance, tech and marketing. She has clients in over 5 countries and her company, Find Clarity Here, prioritizes finding clarity above all else.
