Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Over the years I have found that happy relationships are increasingly hard to maintain over the long term. The reason is that we haven’t been taught how to do so, especially when life brings us challenges – as it invariably does and now more than ever.
One of the most important things I discovered is that the time to plant the seeds for a long and happy life together is when you’re happy.
That’s the time to create the strong foundation that will see you through the storms of life that inevitably happen over the years.
Where does it all start?
It starts with you.
You need to get to know yourself – what matters to you, what makes you tick, what you’re passionate about, what your deepest needs and wants are, your deepest fears and dreams, what it takes for you to feel loved and appreciated – in your relationship and outside of it.
You need to get to really like, trust and respect yourself and, most important of all you need to learn to accept yourself, warts ‘n’ all.
Why?
Because until you do, you won’t be able to accept others including their imperfections.
That was my own journey after I left my marriage of 37 years and I put all of it to really good use when I met and married the most wonderful man, Dave.
We were both 70 at the time. That’s nearly 7 years ago now and our love continues to deepen.
This month my focus is on the one thing that keeps relationships going and going, the one thing that will guarantee that you will happily grow old together despite the changes all relationships experience over time.
There have been many studies of couples in their 60s, 70s and 80s who have been happily married for decades. The researchers wanted to know how they kept love alive all that time.
The one consistent answer that kept coming up was this:
“It’s not romantic love; she/he’s my best friend.”
Sadly, friendship has a poor press. People tend to believe that friendship is less than love.
Think about it. What do you tell a man who’s interested in you romantically but you don’t really fancy him?
Don’t you tell him, “Let’s be friends”? Trust me when I tell you, he will know he’s just been rejected.
Here’s a story about my husband Dave and me.
When we first met, the more I got to know him the more I got to like him. I liked the kind of person I was discovering and continue to discover.
When I first married my first husband, Bill I never really thought about this kind of thing but, over the years I began to realise I didn’t really like him. I began to understand that he would never be there for me when I needed him and, unfortunately, I was right.
Not so with my Dave whom I met when I was running a group for the u3a (the University of the Third Age) for the over 50s which is based in England. I called my group ‘The Life Enhancing Group’.
One day I thought it would be fun to start a different group and I called this one ‘Come Lunch with Me’ because I love food – cooking it and eating it.
The idea was that the members of my new group would take it in turns and go to each other’s places – one person would do the main meal, another bring the drinks and the other, the pudding.
Dave was one of the people who showed an interest in my group.
The time came when it was his turn to host our lunch but he was reluctant to invite us to his place.
On that day we had gone out for a coffee and he told me that the reason he was reluctant was because he didn’t want me to see his place. He was afraid that, if I did I would change my mind about him.
I replied, “not a chance in hell. I’m too much in-like with you.”
But, since the other lady insisted, we ended up going.
What I found was a space that was meticulously organised but his is a workshop environment so not exactly suitable for socialising.
That’s the reason why, when we got together, we became a living-apart-together couple.
We’d been together for what felt like a blissful honeymoon for about 6 years when life struck me down with a severe virus which affected him as well though not as badly. That meant that he had to move in with me to take care of me as I was totally helpless.
Nobody could have foreseen that.
My glamorous self fell by the wayside. I hated him seeing me like that, I hated being dependent. I hated feeling helpless.
For his part, Dave was a meticulous carer but his bedside manner left a lot to be desired.
But he did tell me he had trouble sleeping worrying about me as well as feeling poorly himself so I did my best to be as undemanding as possible.
He stayed with me for nearly 6 weeks before we were able to get back to normal.
But here’s the thing.
Our marriage and our love for each other has deepened and continue to deepen as this year has brought more and more challenges.
We are a great team and we know that, together, we can handle anything.
The secret is the foundation of friendship and trust that we built over our first 6 years together so, when the virus struck, we were better equipped to deal with it.
So why is a good friendship in your love relationship so important?
Friendship is important for many reasons.
As my own experience with Dave shows, when you’re friends you’re better able to deal with life’s challenges together.
If you have a solid friendship, when you feel resentful, frustrated and angry with each other – as you will because we’re all human, you will be better able to communicate your feelings in a way your partner can hear without becoming hurt or defensive.
When you’re friends your communication skills are much better and kinder.
When was the last time you called your best friend a jerk or a selfish bitch?
Would you put your best friend down? If you wouldn’t, why would you do it with your love partner as I’ve seen other couples do?
So this is what you do when you’re good friends.
You communicate differently – here are some examples
You express your appreciation often and regularly – you don’t take your partner for granted.
You listen in a non-judgemental way.
You do not criticise and correct them.
Nagging and complaining are not good ways of communicating; there are other ways to express your feelings that are more effective and likely to produce better results.
You turn to them when you worry about things.
You have their best interests at heart and care about their well-being.
Most important is what’s going on in your head
When you think about your partner you focus on the things you like and appreciate about them – not the things that irritate you.
You look forward to being with them.
You remember things they said and did, and think how much you LIKE THEM as a person ‒ not love – LIKE.
All relationships start in your mind, how you think about them when they’re not there is how you will engage with them when they are.
If you’d like to discover how to make a start, I’m happy to offer you a one-hour complimentary coaching session with no strings attached.
It’ll give you the opportunity to slow down in a safe space and reflect how you would like to create a friendship that supports you both.
Email me at sue@sueplumtree.com or call/text me at +44 7903 795027
It’ll give you the opportunity figure out how to start.
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’, is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015, aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship, as well as how it affects our emotional, and mental health and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
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