Written by: David Kegley, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Conflict: My Enemy, My Friend?
In Conflict 101 we’re taught that blood doesn’t move through our bodies, air doesn’t flow in the atmosphere and good decisions aren’t made without the push and pull of conflict. I used to think that harmony meant zero stress or conflict, the truth about life is that there is no good harmony without some tension and there is no good peace without some serious hard work.
In my younger days, people would have never picked me as a person to directly go up against conflict because I was quiet and often shy. But as I matured and developed strong convictions I became a leader in the church, a mediator and someone who was known as being good with conflict. I have helped groups of people navigate through significantly stressful and conflicted situations and I have mediated numerous cases as a professional mediator, some of them complex multi-party situations where the stakes were high.
This growth and ability to work with conflict did not come without a good deal of training and personal development. Thankfully, I had a community of learning where I could debrief and develop my skills. Let me share with you a few things that may help you if conflict is your enemy… and can in time become, well, maybe not your friend, but at least something that we can all work with instead of against!
What to Do When Conflict Strikes Your Organization
There are seven things you can do on a systemic level when conflict emerges in your organization:
Create Calm. Don’t panic. I know, “Easy for you to say!” But, let’s just figure that after we go and scream into the night a few times (and yes, I have done things to that effect), we cannot transmit panic back into our organizations. That only increases the problem. Step away. Take care of yourself. Pay attention to the fact that your personal care matters. The level of calm you bring to your organization as a leader will enable you and everyone else concerned to think through the issues rather than react to them.
Work Systemically (Instead of Blaming Yourself). Realize that this conflict is less about you than you think. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. If you have done something unethical and harmed someone, or an action of yours directly caused the conflict and there are no other reasons for the conflict, OK. Those exceptions aside, leaders often blame themselves for a great deal of conflict they are only responsible for by association. This systemic conflict needs to be addressed as such. Taking on the sole responsibility for it causes problems. Don’t fall prey to that temptation.
Resist the Blame Game. Along with not blaming yourself, resist blaming others and set the scene for others to stop blaming everyone else. Finger pointing comes with the conflict package. It tends to be what people do when they feel threatened. Model maturity by not doing it.
Talk Directly to People About Themselves and Not About Others. When conflict escalates, fear of others is often present. People begin to talk about others with trusted allies, avoiding direct communication. This is how factions develop. Assumptions get made while everyone begins to form allegiances and escalate their rhetoric. You, by contrast, can be modeling the disciplined practice of talking calmly and directly to people just about their own concerns—brilliant! Because you are a leader, it will be noticed and eventually, it will be emulated. This practice of a leader has greater leverage than might be imagined. Keep doing it. Take note of what happens.
Avoid Being Instructive. As in: “You people shouldn’t be angry, conflicted and talk about others behind their backs!” This will assure that people will become angry, conflicted and talk behind other people’s backs (especially yours) with greater earnest! Sorry to say, we can’t command people out of conflict any more than we can tell a graffiti artist “No Graffiti!” with any degree of success. When it comes to conflict, it's best for a leader to model their intentions instead of commanding them. This obviously means that you model a calmness while everyone appears angry, an attitude of resolving conflict while everyone else seems bent on stirring it up and a blatant refusal to talk behind other people’s backs while everyone else seems to be doing it with abandon! Yes, demonstrate that there is a mature alternative. That’s what a leader does.
Get Support. For leaders, isolation is a liability. It is painful, lonely and sometimes frightening. More importantly, it erodes one’s health. Being able to discuss your situation with trusted colleagues is an important part of self-care. It becomes essential that you do not use an unsuspecting friend or your spouse/partner to be the sole support through conflict. The obvious result is that you can simply exhaust them. The alternative to a full-fledged support group is choosing a couple of trusted colleagues. You’ll want to have a formal discussion with others about confidentiality before you launch into sensitive details. Alternatives or additions to this kind of support are: a therapist, a coach, or a systems support group designed for the purpose of working through conflict.
Break it Down, be Curious, Think Creatively, Develop Humor. When conflict strikes, an amazing amount of “…he said, she said, this happened, that happened…” documentation occurs. It can be overwhelming. Break the conflict down into sizeable, manageable chunks under simple headings. You’ll be amazed at how clear things can become when you break them down to their simplest elements.
Use your inquisitive, curious mind and think creatively about the overall situation. See what is humorous about this. What makes you smile? Laugh? (Careful here not to make this humor at the expense of others.) Humor is one of the key antidotes to the toxic seriousness that plagues conflict and locks everyone down, keeping people from thinking creatively.
The point here is to involve your whole brain and all of your senses to get your creative juices flowing. Relax and let go of the rigid style of thinking that comes with conflict, get more into the colorful, sunny disposition that comes with your creative, humorous mind. This will help you chart a new path out of the conflict and create next steps. Notice also what the conflict stirred up. How did this conflict help you generate these new and creative possibilities?
Working Alongside Conflict Can Yield Payback
As much as most of us would want to eradicate conflict from our lives and our organizations, it’s always going to be with us. The better approach is to anticipate it equipped with the ability to manage ourselves through the ups and downs that conflict delivers. Very few things in life can be assured and we know this better now that we’re experiencing COVID-19 on a global scale. Why not take care of ourselves to the degree that we can maintain a sense of humor no matter what comes our way? This requires an attitude of self-care. It means that we approach our life with ourselves already attended-to rather than letting all the rest of life take over and then giving what is leftover to ourselves. The latter is a recipe for being a sitting duck when conflict strikes. Leadership is rife with the potential for conflict and so it becomes a responsibility for those in leadership to take care of themselves in this way.
Want David to help you with conflict? You can reach him at: drkegley.com or LinkedIn.
David Kegley, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Kegley specializes in coaching well-educated, progressive leaders and executives who have been stopped in their tracks due to health setbacks. His doctorate is in theology and preaching. His first 25-year career was in the Presbyterian Church U.S.A., where he was a Pastor and Head of Staff. But, after getting nearly burned out, getting diagnosed with Prostate Cancer, and going through cancer treatment, he emerged as a credentialed coach. Now he Coaches in the areas where he experienced his own humility and growth: Health and Wellness, The Cancer Journey, Burnout Recovery, and Leadership and Executive.
