Written by: Sarah Maconachie, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Over Christmas I was home in the UK spending some quality time with my family. My Nana is now 104 and lives with dementia in a home. On the whole she is in pretty good health, and we constantly joke (but actually are serious) that she will probably live for another 10 years! As awful as it sounds her quality of life isn’t great anymore and in a way I really hope my final visit to see her on this holiday is the last.
I hope it’s the last so she can finish a life of confusion and upset when she forgets my grandad died (which happened the other visit to see her on this trip) and I hope it’s the last because I had the most incredible time with her and a conversation I will never forget. I would love for that to be my final memory of her.
I don’t think she really knew who I was when we visited, she knows who my mum is (her daughter), but she asked me several times if I was born in Australia and couldn’t seem to comprehend that I was my mum’s daughter when we explained it. She asked me what I do and I tried to simplify it as best as I could and mentioned something along the lines of writing books and one being for working Mothers.
Out of nowhere the most amazing, lucid conversation unfolded.
For a bit of background, my Nana was quite a harsh mother. Her own mother died when Nana was 10 and she was raised by an extremely strict father. There was no laughing, smiling, breathing (Ok I aggerate) allowed in the house and Nana, as the second eldest of 6, was responsible for her siblings and all the duties mothers usually did around the house. She was wonderful as a grandparent and seems to give such incredible parenting advice that my mum often questions. “How is she so wise about parenting now when she was so cold as a mother herself?”. She was not a maternal person and followed in her own father’s footsteps with her parenting style. The conversation we had may have answered a few questions for my own mum around why she was like that.
She started talking about her own experience working. How you got married and had to leave your job- that was what everyone used to do. She talked about how hard it was to be a stay at home mum. She had 4 children 1 from a previous marriage (outrage in those times) and then 3 with my grandad. Staying at home to raise your children in the 1940’s was the only option available to women, and in Nana’s words – she hated it. The highlight of her day for years was to go out for half a pound of butter – how exciting (her words). Women were referred to as gossips constantly because they would stop any women in a shop for a chat or start chatting over the fence to their neighbours so they could have some adult conversation to break up their day. Play dates weren’t a thing, play centres, a coffee catch up and all the luxuries we now have as options as a parent were just not available, and they were definitely not the norm. Nana said she was desperate to just talk to someone, she is a very sociable lady, and loves a chat, so being cooped up in the house all day with kids was like trying to put a square peg in a round hole.
Nana was desperate to work. The way she was talking she obviously felt like she had no worth. That she was someone just “Floating around with a saucepan” cooking and ready to clock the kids when they were misbehaving. She felt like that was all she was good for and was missing the days when she worked and felt like she had purpose, motivation and drive. When my mum was age 6, my Nana insisted on working in a shoe shop on a Saturday, she managed a few years until she had another baby and was back to “grind” of being a stay at home mother.
For years her life felt meaningless to her, and she spent years at home with her children doing a role she really didn’t love. She wasn’t naturally maternal, she struggled with the all day parenting and I can totally understand where she was coming from. Being home full time for 12 months after my children felt… long. I was unstimulated and craved going back to work myself. I followed what I thought was socially acceptable and thought that I should be home with my children for 12 months as that is just what you do. When I went back to work part time, I felt like I had regained my purpose, felt happy and was a much better mother for it. I often wonder if I would have benefited from returning to work a little earlier.
Nana went on to talk about men going for drinks on a Sunday afternoon or on the way to the football and how “girls’ nights” or get togethers were never a thing. Men would go for a drink with their friends as their outlet for a busy week of work, and women received no respite. She told my mum and I how lucky we were to have girls’ nights and to do things with our friends. She was stuck looking after the children all the time and never got a break.
Equality of women Nana expressed has been such a hard battle, that we would hardly be able to imagine what it used to be like. The battle to even work as a women was so hard, men just did not want women to do it. My Nana is a strong female, and managed to convince my grandad that she was returning to work after she had to pick up some morning shifts in a biscuit factory when my Grandad was on strike. A stint of Grandad being unable to work was the catalyst for Nana to be able to return to the workforce. She said he was reluctant, and it wasn’t easy, but once her pay checks started coming in he eventually agreed to it and she was finally freed from the shackles of being a housewife. When my mum was early teens and my uncle was about 7, my Nana started collecting money with the Provident on Friday evenings and Saturday mornings. She worked around what she could and created an opportunity to do something she enjoyed. My mum was responsible for making dinner on a Friday night and cleaning the house on a Saturday morning so my Nana could get out and work- fulfilling what she needed to feel valued.
Her memory in this conversation was so precise and accurate – full of humour and very matter of fact. My mum and I left her with huge smiles on our faces. The moral of the story for me, is that being a stay at home parent is not suitable for everyone. We can love our children and love having a career, and the more we can support and encourage women to be ok with that the better. Some women love staying at home and that is great too, but the stereotype that women stay home with the kids needs to continue shifting.
Gender Equality is a big passion of mine. It felt like the perfect conversation, an insight to what it used to be like, and to feel so incredibly grateful that times have changed to where we are today. It’s been a long journey to change biases and stereotypes of women to get to where we are today and there is still a long way to go.
If you want to find out more about the stories of working mothers, I have written 2 books for working parents “Working Mothers Inspiring Others” and “Working Dads and Balancing Acts”. A collection of stories from a diverse range of mums and dads who share their journeys into being a working parent. You can read more about my books at Books – Work Hard Parent Hard.
If you feel undervalued, like you have lost your identity and purpose as a parent, please reach out to me and see how we can work together to create some small shifts in your life to create long term, changes and a life you love.
Sarah Maconachie, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sarah Maconachie is the founder of Work Hard Parent Hard. As the proud mother of 3 young children, Sarah has been on an incredible mindset journey and has discovered the importance of understand our mind to create profound results and create a life that we love. She shares her wisdom in this space by Coaching Parents to regain their purpose and create a life of balance between working/ staying home and being a great parent. Sarah is the Author of 2 books “Working Mothers Inspiring Others” and “Working Dads and Balancing Acts”. You can purchase her books here and learn more about her programs on her website.
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