Written by Anka Grzywacz, Sexologist
Is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby.
From lack of orgasm to low libido and painful intercourse – women’s sexual problems are still a big taboo. Why do so many women don’t enjoy intimacy or stop enjoying it at some point in their lives? And what are the options to get help and revive that sexy spark?
Women’s bodies, women’s minds
Joanna was in her mid-30s when he came to me complaining about the lack of orgasm. “My husband is really trying. He's always asking me what I want and is keen to touch me. Sex feels nice but when I get very excited, it's as if there was a wall inside of me. I can't go any further.”
Her situation is typical for women's sexual problems. It's usually a mix of something in the body and in the emotions, that's preventing women from feeling pleasure. Joanna had this thing – she couldn't allow herself to feel “too good.” When we started talking about her childhood, she said she was raised like this. She wasn't supposed to act too happy, too crazy. She always had to be composed. That was the emotional part of her problem. Because she had those negative thoughts about pleasure, she didn’t allow herself to let go and just have fun. Her body got really tense, to the point that she was cold and frozen inside. And a body that's in such a paralyzed state is not open for orgasm.
Most women who come to me for sex therapy need support on at least two levels. I work with them on their mind and emotions. I also give them tips on how to learn to feel more pleasure.
But in many cases, I also refer them out to doctors for a medical checkup – for example, your hormone levels may affect libido. A physiotherapist is also useful as she or he can check your pelvic floor muscles (if the muscles surrounding your vagina are too weak or too strong, you’ll either have pain or won't feel much during intercourse).
Our sexuality is like a puzzle – we need to put all the pieces in place to create a beautiful picture.
Women’s sexual problems change with age
Women’s bodies and sexuality have an intimate connection with hormones. Whether we want it or not, levels of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and other chemical substances impact how we act and feel. Of course, there are other factors as well, like our health or relationship situation.
Here are some of the common aspects of female psychology and sexuality that may be linked to hormone levels and changes:
Our libido
Our self-esteem
Our mood
Our energy
Sexuality naturally changes with age, and we may experience new sexual problems at different stages of life. For example, after pregnancy we may have a big drop in libido, since the body and mind are so focused on nurturing the baby. In perimenopause (the years when the woman’s hormonal system gradually shuts off its fertility) many women complain about vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse.
I teach my sex therapy clients that we should accept these ebbs and flows and learn how to navigate them. It’s unrealistic to expect that we’ll have the stamina and energy of a 20-year-old when we’re in our 50s. Still, it’s worth to learn the strategies to keep our sexual fire burning.
It’s all in the head?
Women’s sexual problems are often dismissed as overexaggerations or inhibitions. We’re taught to believe that if only we relaxed, everything would be fine.
Real, debilitating diseases, which can cause unbearable pain during intercourse for some women (such as endometriosis) are still not treated with enough attention and care by the medical world.
If you ask me if this is all in women’s heads, I’ll answer – some of it is. Our eroticism and ability to feel pleasure are very much steered by our brain and nervous system. If you’re living under chronic stress at work, and at home you’re overwhelmed by the demands of raising kids and taking care of the home, how can you expect to switch in an instant into a “luscious and horny” mode?
Whenever a woman contacts me for sex therapy, if she has a partner or partners I usually inquire if the other person/s she’s sharing her life with are willing to support her on the journey towards sexual healing and pleasure.
I mostly work with heterosexual couples and unfortunately, I often see a different scenario: she’s asking me to “fix” her because her man is complaining.
But her sexual problems rarely exist in a void. If the partner is putting additional pressure, making insensitive remarks, and is unwilling to talk about feelings and emotions surrounding sex, the woman can do everything right, but the problems will persist. Good sex in a relationship is teamwork.
Fight for your right to sexual pleasure
Why do so many women grit their teeth and accept pain during intercourse or never mention to their partner that they don’t have orgasms?
As a society, we don’t value women’s sexuality and pleasure. And women grow up, thinking it’s not so important. “Boys will be boys,” they say. Men are expected to show and satisfy their sexual needs. And women’s pleasure is either a “nice to have but not necessary” or completely taboo.
According to the Global Study of Sexual Attitudes and Behaviors 61.1% of women don’t seek help for sexual concerns because they don’t treat them as serious. A further 58.2% are convinced that it’s normal to have discomfort during intimacy.
Don’t let anyone tell you that your satisfaction and comfort don’t matter! As a woman, you have an infinite potential to feel pleasure and experience amazing orgasms and beautiful moments of intimacy.
Most of the women’s sexual problems can be solved with the help of sex therapy and sometimes medical interventions. Own your right to be sexual and find help when you need it.
I am here to help you solve your intimate problems. Book your first, free call online and find out how I can help you feel more fun and pleasure in the bedroom.
Anka Grzywacz, Sexologist
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby. In 2019 she presented her "Good Enough Sex" philosophy at TEDx Zurich. Back in her home country, Poland, she hosted a nationwide radio show on sexuality and relationships at TOK FM Radio. Anka started out as sex educator, working with teenagers, and a reproductive rights activist. Today, she is based in Zurich, Switzerland.
