Written by: Taryn Rachel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Your guide to identifying how distrust may be undermining your relationships and how to rebuild trust healthily.
You often don't think about trust – but in an instant, it can vanish and seem as if it will never return. With just one action or comment, the very thing that took months (or years) to build can shatter right along with your heart. This moment creates a shocking tidal wave within a relationship. But something else happens here too. That wall you've been taking bricks off of gets built two times higher, becoming more impenetrable than before. In these moments, thoughts like this are understandable:
"I knew it, I should never have trusted them."
"No one is truly trustworthy, their real colors show after time."
"How did I not see it coming??"
"I was totally blindsided, how did this happen?"
“Will I ever trust again?”
Cynical? Maybe. But broken trust will make you ache in painful ways that feel easier to cover up with anger, cynicism, and self-protection. We want to understand what we didn’t see coming – make it make sense. Reducing the confusing blindside puts us back in the driver's seat that’s a lot comfier than the side of the road where we feel like we were abandoned.
The Spectrum of Distrust: Where do you fall?
In the upheaval, you often end up falling into one of two camps:
1. I can only trust myself
OR
2. Now I'm not sure I can trust my judgment
Think back to a time when the trust rug was ripped out from under you. Which camp did you find yourself in?
Neither direction is wrong. Both camps actually sit on the same spectrum, just on opposite ends. The hope is with processing and consistent healing, you will take the plunge off that spectrum to courageously let someone in again AND trust yourself. But before that, we have to unpack the fast-acting corrosion that broken trust yields beyond ourselves. Let's get honest about the dysfunction it creates in future relationships.
Distrust In Action
Now that betrayal is on the table and walls are up, (or it can feel more like crumbling) confusion sets in. You may find yourself:
replaying past scenarios and conversations with this new tainted lens
noticing paranoia setting into actions that previously you wouldn't have blinked at (like a glance at a phone, hyper-attuned to a change in behavior, etc.)
incessantly playing detective to find clues if this person is safe or not without much success
acting out of the ordinary, more insecure or angry
quick to write people off or walk away when you see a behavior that feels similar to that of the person who brought hurt
And of course. Of course, you're anywhere from on edge to feeling fully uprooted. What happened was shocking. This doesn't mean these responses are disallowed. But eventually, you may meet someone that you want to gift your trust to. Then what??
5 Ways to Relearn Trust
As a relationship coach and someone who has rebuilt trust back multiple times myself, here are five ways you can safely relearn to trust in small but impactful ways:
Consider what trust looks like to you in action and words, then write it down. Part 2: Now, write out actions that break your trust.
Share a need with someone you are trying to trust and how they can meet it. Then watch for how they show up for you. Not as a way to 'test' them but to get curious about how they uniquely meet needs even if it wasn’t what you expected.
When feelings of mistrust creep in, ask, "Does this level of paranoia make sense for this situation?", or "Is this a trigger from my/our past or is this something new that deserves attention?" This question can be difficult to answer alone and can benefit from a trusted friend's opinion who understands your past and perspective.
Reflect on behavior. Not just 1 or 2 instances but patterns. Does this person make you feel unsure or unsafe on a consistent basis? How often do you feel reassured and thoughtfully listened to?
Lastly, take a pulse on self-trust. Broken trust can corrupt how we see our own judgment. If you struggle with incessant indecisiveness on whether someone is trustworthy or not, this may be a factor for you.
Relearning to trust increases overall relationship intimacy and satisfaction. It’s the core of a healthy relationship where you can securely feel seen.
Did you find the tips interesting but crave more practicality? You can join my three-day mini-email series ALL. ABOUT. TRUST. For three days, you can expect to do a mini deep dive into how to rebuild trust. It will include:
Day 1: Filters for assessing trust to use when your mind runs wild with fear and you want to stop second-guessing in its tracks.
Day 2: Getting practical about how to (re)build trust for yourself and others. We will explore how to identify your feelings for the purpose of strengthening communication that builds trust.
Day 3: Your resource for how to disrupt the pattern of mistrust — and the spiral it takes you on.
Hi there, I’m Taryn! As a Relationship Coach, I’m boldly passionate about people discovering more of who they are for the purpose of healing. When we heal, we create a lasting ripple effect of health, not harm to our relationships.
If you share that vision for your relationships but feel stuck with how to shift current dynamics, schedule a free 30-minute exploratory call with me now! Let’s begin together.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info!
Taryn Rachel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Taryn is a community activator, Jesus-following, latte-loving, relationship & trigger healing coach. After years of half-living, she has continued learning to navigate her own trauma with grace and purpose. Taryn has experienced how trauma impacts relationships and also how it can be a catalyst for deep intimacy. Compiling her self-created, proven strategies around healing trauma, triggers and shame, she urges others to try different and invite others into their stories. She now lives out her passion giving others a compass and being a champion as they embark on their own healing journey. Through coaching, courses and interactive resources, she equips others worldwide to boldly live on purpose in a way that serves YOU and everyone you influence.
