Written by Deb Penner, Transformative Mentor
Deb Penner is a visionary voice, blending modern psychology with ancient wisdom and divine guidance to offer transformative perspectives guiding women to embrace their magic and unleash their voices with courage and grace. A founder, author, speaker, mentor, and retreat organizer, Deb is known for creating transformative spaces and experiences.
You've crafted the perfect fence, only to watch others walk straight through it like it doesn't exist. You've done everything right: studied boundary-setting, practiced the scripts, and mastered the confident delivery. Yet somehow, your carefully constructed boundaries keep crumbling. There's a shocking truth about boundaries that's rarely discussed, and once you understand it, you'll never experience a boundary violation the same way again.
The basics of boundaries
You understand the boundary basics. You know boundaries are a self-honoring practice, a set of rules for how you will care for yourself physically, emotionally, financially, and spiritually. Your boundaries describe what you are and are not available for, in work and relationships, and in your personal and public worlds. You've done the hard work of determining where your fence lines lie and the even more challenging task of communicating those boundaries to the people in your life.
The rub
It seems that all the boundary boxes have been checked, all the inner work I's dotted, and the taking-responsibility T's crossed. Yet your boundaries are still being violated. It's beyond frustrating, and you're exhausted by the constant work of crafting and communicating boundaries that no one respects. It's like living in a terrible remake of Alice in Wonderland, where interactions are ever-growing madder and madder. You find yourself looking for the Eat Me sign that might transport you out of this alternate reality and back to the real world, where spoken boundaries are automatically respected.
The omission
No matter the number of impossible things you may have believed before breakfast, there is one that likely slipped by you: the essence of a boundary is not, as so many understand it, a set of expectations for others. Your boundaries are a set of expectations for you. A clear boundary includes what you are willing to accept, what is not acceptable to you, and what you will do when your boundary is violated.
When you create a boundary, you're not giving an assignment to the people around you, the work to be done in respecting your boundaries is yours alone.
The power play
This seemingly simple misunderstanding instantly robs you of your power. Outside of parenting and writing employee handbooks, you have no authority over the behavior of others. While you may feel tempted to "off with the heads" of those who walk unheeding through your fence lines, that won't be necessary. Instead, remember this bit of magic: the power of your boundaries depends on you releasing concern over others' behavior and standing firm in your sovereignty.
When you expect others to respect your boundaries simply because you've spoken them, you've given away your power. When you remember that your boundaries are yours to respect, you take that power back.
The defining factor
What truly defines a boundary, and differentiates this kind of statement from a directive or a request, is the presence of a consequence or response. This is the space where you define how you will respect your own boundary.
In the consequence, you define for yourself and others how you will respond if your boundary is violated. When your response is clear and you are committed to seeing it through, you have a true boundary, which will always be honored because you, in your full sovereignty, will be the one to honor it.
The challenge
Enforcing boundaries is, for many, the most difficult aspect of this vital form of self-care. To end the cycle of violated boundaries and fully claim your power as your own boundary tender, consider these tips:
Be genuine and commensurate. Give serious thought to the response you will include in your boundary. Ensure it is something you're willing to follow through with and that it is commensurate with the level of importance of this particular boundary.
Give yourself grace. If enforcing your boundaries is a new skill, expect beginner-level performance. You won't get it right every time, and that's just fine. Evaluate, regroup, and try again. With practice comes mastery.
Get support. If you continue to struggle with respecting your own boundaries, don't hesitate to reach out to a mentor, coach, or therapist who can support you as you learn this vital skill.
At their very core, boundaries are an expression of self-love, and that's a deep well, one that often goes much deeper than Alice's rabbit hole. When you lower your bucket, you may find spaces where you need more support before boundary badassery is available to you.
That's where I come in, offering compassionate and resourced mentoring to help you master not only boundaries but also the fulsome art of loving yourself completely. Schedule a complimentary Breakthrough Session with me to plumb the depths of self-love and self-honor, including, but never limited to, stellar boundary skills.
You can also follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and Facebook or visit my website for more ways to unleash your magic.
Deb Penner, Transformative Mentor
Deb Penner, a transformative visionary, guides women on a journey to embrace their magic and unleash the voice of the Divine Feminine. With over two decades of experience, she curates immersive retreats, dynamic workshops, and live/virtual spaces where women explore their values, gifts, and voices in a safe community. As a speaker and blog author, her insights deeply resonate. Beyond her professional pursuits, Deb finds joy outdoors with her dogs, in the kitchen cooking from scratch, lost in live music on the dance floor, or curled up with a good book.
