Tanya Cole-Lesnick, therapist turned personal development coach with three decades of professional experience, helps people pursue lives they love, that honor their truest selves, and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She works with individuals and groups, virtually and through in-person retreats. She created The Unlimiting App, a personal growth companion. https://www.theunlimitingapp.com/
Through 30 years of work as a psychotherapist turned personal development coach, I have narrowed the focus of my work down to the key elements I find my clients stuck on when they first start to work with me. Once understanding and awareness grow, combined with action steps to help shift these entrenched patterns and limiting beliefs, my clients can build lives they are truly excited to be living. And of course, this is true for me too.
I refer to these key elements as Energetic Clutter, which consists of the things that consume our time, focus, and energy without contributing to our growth, meaning, or desired feelings. Much of the Energetic Clutter in our lives is a pairing of limiting beliefs and the behaviors developed in response to them.
Limiting beliefs, for the most part, grew from our childhoods. Messaging from the families and the cultures we grew up in. We believed the messages to be true, even though they were not, and developed behavioral patterns in response to those beliefs. The intention was to keep ourselves safe. But the impact was to take up so much of our energy that we cannot focus on what matters most to each of us. When we continue down a path created by someone else, a path that doesn’t take our hearts and what we love into consideration, it is impossible to love our lives fully.
Clearing the Energetic Clutter from our lives so we have the bandwidth to focus on what matters most to us, and using our hearts to guide us, allows us to create the lives we long for.
Identifying the limiting beliefs we carry is a critical part of the personal development process.
Here are seven common limiting beliefs that could be holding you back
1. That we need to hustle for our worth
When we struggle with this limiting belief we are either currently hustling or looking ahead to the next thing to hustle for. We rarely allow ourselves to rest, unless we’re intentionally working on it. And when we are working on it, lots of discomfort gets triggered. It’s scary to stop hustling, or even just to slow it down. We worry we will lose our value. (And in some ways, we’re not wrong.) We can get stuck in a cycle of overdoing, then getting depleted, again and again.
A healing focus for this might be to nurture your trust in yourself. Choose to believe (or work on believing) that you are enough. But not only enough, more than enough. Fully enjoy spending time celebrating all the bits and pieces that make you, you. So many ways you can go with that, but you get to choose. It requires a very intentional journey. Let yourself have it, it’s a gift.
2. That we need to be in control in order to be safe
When we struggle with this one we can get controlling with others and be perfectionistic, which is exhausting. Anything (or anyone) out of alignment, big or small—or just not playing out in the way we expect—can completely dysregulate us. We spend a lot of time and energy scrambling to realign whatever comes out of alignment along the way. Which is a lot. Focusing here can be so all-encompassing that we don’t have enough bandwidth left over to focus on anything else.
A healing focus for this might be to practice loosening control of something intentionally. Maybe it’s dinner one night or plans over the weekend. Maybe it’s how to talk to one of the kids about something or having a hard conversation with your partner. What you choose to focus on doesn’t really matter, the important part is that you are choosing to be more intentional about loosening up overall. That will help. A lot.
3. That we need to please others in order to be loved
When we struggle with this one we put others before ourselves. We say yes to things we’re not interested in. We are agreeable and accommodating at all times. Checking in with ourselves, with our own internal guidance, isn’t a practice we have any experience with since we are guided by what other people want from us (or at least by what we think they want from us). This focus, on what other people want, leads to us not having a clue what we want. Taking the time to strengthen that muscle, and learning what we want, can be scary. It requires us to have boundaries, including to take the time and space we need. Often that means learning to say no, which can be terrifying. We are convinced that doing that will lead to us being abandoned. And sometimes we will be. But even if that’s true, it’s always better than abandoning ourselves.
A healing focus for this might be to look over the past 10 times you said yes or were accommodating to someone else. Look for a pattern. Are you learning anything new about yourself? Is there anything in the group of 10 yeses that feels clear to you is out of alignment to have said yes to? Write or think about all that comes up for you. From all that you learned, choose one little thing to say no to. Personal development is made up of small movements, just like this.
4. That productivity is more important than self-care
When we struggle with this limiting belief we don’t allow for things like rest and fun and grounding our nervous systems when they’ve been activated. So the pattern ends up being that we choose tasks over fun and over resting. There’s a frenzied pace to it because we believe that the more productivity we can squeeze into an hour the better. That frenzied pace and overstimulation cause us to get dysregulated. Our nervous systems are activated.
A healing focus for this might be to give yourself recovery time. Develop an understanding of your needs and what comforts you. When we don’t give that to ourselves, eventually we will burn out.
5. That we’re not enough
When we struggle with this one we rule out most of our dreams, feeling they’re too out of reach. We watch others and believe they are having the experiences that we long to be having. We make up stories about them, about us. About how life is easier and more joyful for them and harder for us. Sometimes we get caught up in identifying what we believe the reasons are for that. And sometimes we understand how we’re in our own way. Either way, when we are swept away by this limiting belief, the stories we make up always end with us not having the thing. (Whatever that is.) And we believe again that we’re not enough. When we’re investing our energy looking for not-enoughness, we will surely find it.
A healing focus might be to spend some time dreaming about what you want for your life and notice what happens. Which dreams do you rule out because you don’t believe you’re enough? What would it take to start believing you are enough? Pick a dream you want to move forward with. Plan a tiny step to get that started. Notice when the old voice of not being enough shows up. Use a mantra (like, “I am enough,” or “Why not me?”) to confront that old voice with a new idea.
6. That we’re too much
When we struggle with this one we’ve learned to quiet down parts of ourselves that feel too emotional or expressive or strong, so we aren’t able to show up fully in the world.
When we show up in a way that others have responded negatively to, we often try to change ourselves to be better received. The problem with that is that we lose ourselves in the process.
A healing focus for this one might be to start expressing ourselves a little more fully. Notice how it feels. Do you feel afraid? Do you get negative feedback? Who in your life celebrates the fuller version of you?
7. That taking care of others is better than taking care of ourselves
When we struggle with this one we believe that putting ourselves first is “selfish” and that being “selfless” is the best way to show love and earn admiration. A commonly given “compliment” is that someone puts themselves last, that they’re always thinking of others first. Many cultures celebrate this, especially for women, especially for mothers. When this belief guides us, self-care is put on the back burner. And others learn they can lean on us. That we’re available for their care, or for whatever they need, whenever they need it. Considering what we need isn’t a thought we’re accustomed to.
A healing focus on your personal development journey might be to pick something for yourself that you might enjoy doing. Something that may have felt like “too much” in the past. Make it a plan. Even if it’s something that doesn’t get scheduled for a while, get it on the calendar and make sure it happens. It will likely trigger discomfort, especially if others are inconvenienced. Do it anyway.
A personal development insight on limiting beliefs
The limiting beliefs I shared here are only seven of an infinite number of them. And for whichever ones that resonate for each of us, we have our own nuanced versions. All seven of the ones listed resonate for me, but they don’t all get in my way, at least not too often.
Of the seven, though, there are two that I need to actively work on for my own personal development journey— number 3, that I need to please others in order to be loved, and number 5, that I’m not enough. Those two require me to be mindful about them so they don’t clutter up or deplete my energy. And those two are sneakier than the rest for me, so I might not always see them right away.
But when I do notice old stuck patterns, for example, being too accommodating to someone else at my own expense, or dismissing my ideas as being “not good enough,” I am able to remember that those behaviors are connected to limiting beliefs that are not true. From there I’m able to replace the limiting beliefs with my actual beliefs.
Personal development tip: Try reframing
So instead of believing that I need to please others in order to be loved, I reframe it to the belief that pleasing myself is critical for a life that I love. I also remind myself that pleasing myself, which does include connecting with other people, will impact my energy. When I live connected to the belief that pleasing myself is critical, I no longer engage in patterns that lead to energy depletion. When pleasing myself is the thread that I follow, my energy is buzzier, which attracts more that I love—people, activities, creative pursuits, etc.—into my life.
And instead of believing that I’m not enough, I reframe it to the belief that there is magic inside of me. That the magic is related to my humanness and that it shows up when I am in alignment and connected to my heart. When I’m connected to that reframe, I’m able to trust that I am enough.
Learning which limiting beliefs impact you is an important part of releasing their hold. Explore which ones here resonate the most for you and try the healing focuses I suggest. Keep a lookout for others you may be connected to that I don’t have listed. Any pain point—anxiety, irritability, resentment, etc.—can act as a doorway. Explore the beliefs underneath the pain and do your best to name them. From there, finding a reframe that rings true can powerfully impact the choices you make on your personal growth journey so that you deeply love the life you are living.
Ready to break free from limiting beliefs holding you back?
Take your first step today. Here are two ways to start.
Watch & learn: See these 7 limiting beliefs in action through our helpful animation.
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Read more from Tanya Cole-Lesnick
Tanya Cole-Lesnick, Personal Development Coach
After three decades as a psychotherapist (licensed clinical social worker), Tanya Cole-Lesnick has embraced and landed on the more action-focused role of personal development coach—helping people to pursue lives they love, that honor their truest selves, and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She dedicated her life to this work after group therapy profoundly changed her life. She provides coaching to individuals and facilitates group sessions, available online and at on-site retreats. She also created The Unlimiting App to help people stay connected to their personal growth journeys. All of her work is designed to help people move steadily through the changes they long for in order to live the lives they dream of living. and are clear of Energetic Clutter. She works with individuals and groups, virtually and through in-person retreats. She created The Unlimiting App, a personal growth companion. https://www.theunlimitingapp.com/
