Written by: Lark Ericson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Historically, men have been taught to “man up” or “suck it up”, much to the detriment of their own emotional and physical wellbeing. This pervasive stigma that men need to be tough and power through whatever hardships come their way can negatively affect every aspect of their lives. In this article I will be discussing the way men have been taught to deal with their emotions and therefore, how they approach their lives without truly understanding themselves or getting their needs met. The discouragement of men’s emotional expression also prevents them from having stronger connections with the people in their lives and their communities.
It starts in early childhood
When a young boy experiences a hurtful situation or has a confusing or traumatic experience he might run to his caregiver looking for help and support to make sense of the world. If that boy is feeling scared, lonely, or confused and is told to “be quiet” or “suck it up”, they might misinterpret this as: “your feelings don’t matter,” “you’re too sensitive,” “this isn’t really a problem,” or “I don’t care about you.”
That’s a heavy burden to place on a child who is just trying to learn how the world works. The reality is the caregiver was probably just dealing with their own stuff at the time or perhaps was not even equipped to help the boy process his emotions or the situation at hand. However, through this carelessness of speech and inattention, the boy learned his default mode should be to stay quiet and not bother anyone with his problems.
As teenagers they are exposed to experiences and expectations to become an “idealized” version of men based on their families, communities, cultures, and religions. Young men might be expected to participate in activities that don’t align with their true nature such as hunting, playing sports, or joining the military. However, because our desire to belong is so great, they will do what it takes to fit in and not voice their true thoughts and emotions, perpetuating their belief that they should be quiet.
How men show their emotions
When young men have been taught to shut down their emotions it not only keeps them from making sense of their world but it prevents them from expressing empathy in an “acceptable” way. One of the biggest challenges in heterosexual relationships is the dynamic of men wanting to fix things and women wanting to be heard. Women don’t always need or want the problem to be fixed, they just want their partner to say, “That sucks, I’ve had shitty things happen to me too.”
Rosie Perez’s character in White Men Can’t Jump illustrates it here with a funny example, but her point is valid.
But for men, being able to “fix” a problem is their way of showing empathy since they were never taught how to do it emotionally. Fixing a problem is an actionable way to heal the little boy inside who couldn’t get his needs met. This is their way of proving to the world that they do matter and that they are not somehow lacking, useless, or wrong.
How staying quiet affects men’s health
Teaching men to be tough as boys has created a culture where men don’t feel they have the acceptance or community to communicate their feelings and experiences so they might not seek help to process a situation and move forward in their lives. The societal “shushing” of men has led to a widespread decrease in men’s mental and physical health.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, over 6 million men suffer from depression per year and more than 3 million men in the US have a panic disorder. Nearly 1 in 10 men experience some form of depression and anxiety but less than half seek treatment. Men are also 4x more likely to commit suicide than women with the rate being highest amongst middle-aged white men. (If you are having suicidal or hopeless thoughts you can call or text 988 or text TALK to 741741)
Because men have not been taught to express their thoughts and emotions regularly they are more likely to develop unhealthy coping mechanisms such as binge drinking, driving aggressively, smoking, and cheating on their partners. This perceived forced silence will also cause men to bottle things up until they release the pressure by getting angry, yelling, or acting aggressively. These kinds of behaviors not only hurt the men but also their relationships, families, and even their communities.
Men are also less likely to seek treatment for their physical health, usually brushing the problem off. Men have not been taught the same health literacy as women so they don’t feel comfortable seeking treatment, sometimes until it's too late. Men will often assume a symptom is minor, feel too busy to go to the doctor, think they can tough it out, or feel ashamed to speak about such personal issues. This lack of addressing a health issue early can lead to a domino effect which can eventually collapse their overall health and wellbeing. Here’s a sad story, and an extreme example, of a young, healthy man who ignored his symptoms and missed the opportunity to catch a cancer diagnosis before it became terminal.
Teaching men to be tough has ultimately diminished their ability to get their needs met and care for their physical and mental health in an appropriate and timely manner.
Rather than contributing to the outdated stereotype of men being strong and stoic for not sharing their feelings, why don’t we collectively embrace men for being people who were simply not taught “soft skills” and create environments where they feel comfortable to open up.
We all have a roll to play in normalizing men expressing their emotions
First, break the cycle of teaching young men to “suck it up”. If you have a son, take the time to nurture his emotional intelligence. If he’s upset, get to the heart of the matter.
Don’t treat him as a little man you have to mold into a soldier but rather as a human being having an experience that is confusing, scary, or maybe even traumatizing. What is he experiencing that might be new to him? Remember, even the most mundane experiences for adults will be completely new to children at some point. So how can you help him understand the situation and his emotions without overlapping your adult boredom, disappointment, busy schedule, and frustration?
Second, women have a huge part to play in helping their men feel safe expressing their emotions. But for this article I want to focus on one action that women can take with their partners. When the man you love expresses a thought, feeling, desire, or belief don’t meet it with anger. I know that in long-term relationships, we all get a little worn down and sick of each other's BS, but treat your partner like a friend that you are trying to help and listen to him. You can then discuss whatever it is, however it is that you work things out together but avoid leading with an immediate angry response. That is only going to reaffirm his misguided belief that his feelings don’t matter or that he shouldn’t express them.
Third, men, it's time to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Before you can get out there confidently expressing your emotions to everyone you need to learn how to express them to yourself. This takes practice. Have you ever had a situation that seemed okay at the time but later you were bothered by it? This is a normal part of processing emotions so don’t beat yourself up for not “getting it right” the first time.
Start writing down situations that come up that make you feel weird, uncomfortable, or confused. Then, after a few days, or however long it takes you to process it, go back and write down how you feel about it. Maybe you can even identify why you feel that way.
Lastly, experiment with sharing your emotions in low-stakes, no pressure situations so you can practice being vulnerable with other people. There are so many people in your life that you can share your emotions with such as cashiers, telemarketers, or random people in line. Next time someone asks you how you are doing, instead of using a canned response like, “I’m fine”, say something that goes deeper. “It’s been a rough day at work”, “I’m stressed”, “I have a headache”, “I’m feeling kind of down today”, “my wife and I are in a fight”, are some honest things you can say that will help you get comfortable expressing your emotions without the consequence of feeling like you lost any power or control. You’ll be surprised how many people will commiserate with you and you’ll feel more connected.
If you're interested in working with Lark to create healthy, fulfilling relationships while increasing your emotional intelligence and confidence, reach out today for a free consultation and start your journey toward stronger connections and a more fulfilling life.
For more info about Lark Ericson, follow her on Instagram, LinkedIn, and Facebook, and visit her website.
Lark Ericson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lark Ericson’s mission is for men to have healthier relationships with themselves and others. She experienced severe burnout and throughout her healing journey, many men in her life confided that they don’t have the same encouragement from their communities to make time for themselves as women do. Lark is a certified health and life coach, a certified hypnotherapist, and a registered nurse. Drawing from her own experiences in restoring her mental and physical health, she has established a program that provides men the perspective and tools to create the lives they want.
