Written by Deonesea La Fey, Feminine Embodiment Coach
Deonesea is a beloved Feminine Embodiment Coach who guides women to be embodied in their own personal pleasure and to create deeper connections. As a result of working with her, women learn how to increase their feminine energy, embrace their sexuality, and receive the love they want and deserve.
In a world where we are bombarded with imagery through media and films that focus entirely on how male sexuality works, we would all find greater satisfaction in our loverships if we embraced what Eastern spiritual traditions have known for centuries: female sexuality is different from male sexuality, and they are meant to be complementary, not the same. From Tantra to the Tao to ancient Goddess traditions, there is much to learn about female sexuality. It is time we unveil those mysteries and discover how we can benefit from them in our loverships today.
What is female sexuality?
In Taoist lovemaking traditions, female sexuality is the deep, potently dark, wildly primordial, receptive yin energy. It is likened to the element of water. Like water, female sexual energy takes time to come to a boil but then stays hot for a long time before gradually cooling down.
If we apply this to sex, we can say that female sexuality needs time and a steady flame to reach its hottest state, where it is most ready to fully open. Once opened, it becomes a state of being, with a depth and breadth that allow for the full expression of human nature to be experienced and felt.
This calls for a deeper understanding of women's bodies and sexual energy, moving beyond limited encounters that always follow the same patterns into conscious meanderings that consistently lead lovers into new terrain. Female sexuality is a mystery meant to be explored. It is intended to take us into deep emotional places, opening us to deeper layers of ourselves.
Female sexuality is intuitive rather than logical, and when explored properly, it leads to the greatest heights of pleasure and the deepest understanding of what it means to be human.
How is this different from male sexuality?
According to Taoist lovemaking teachings, male sexuality is the warm, energized, giving, penetrative yang energy. It is likened to the element of fire. Like fire, male sexuality ignites easily and burns hot before quickly extinguishing itself.
Male sexuality, much like the wiring of the male brain, tends to be goal-oriented. When put to good use, this can be a wonderful thing, but when it comes to sex, it can create challenges in relation to female sexuality. At its height, male sexuality can use its instinctual single focus to hold its heat steady long enough to bring the female to boiling. By maintaining that heat with her, he can be held in her depths, allowing them to revel in exploration together.
Why is this important?
While the media would have us believe that the male directive leading to perfunctory sex, it starts at the same place, takes the same path, and ends the same way every time, is the ultimate form of satisfaction, this is not the case. Even though both sexes can enjoy this kind of linear, focused sex, it is by no means the pinnacle of what can be experienced.
For many women, only ever engaging in the male sex format leaves them feeling like they are missing something. And they are. Even if she is able to reach orgasm in that way, and many women cannot, she is still not fully tapping into the potential of her sexual self. Being disconnected from her natural way of opening, and from the deeper explorations available through female sexuality, leaves both partners missing out on the depth of connection they could be experiencing.
Ultimately, learning to bring female sexuality to meet male sexuality creates a richer quality of lovemaking for both partners. This means much more fulfilling sex and much more of it!
What can help you feel more in touch with female sexuality?
Like anything in life, if you want to learn something new or improve at something, you need to acquire knowledge and then practice what you learn. Women can benefit greatly from cultivating their own relationship with their bodies and their sexuality.
Read books, take courses, and prioritize your sexual knowledge not only for pleasure but also for your emotional and physical health and longevity. Sex is more than just what we do with our physical bodies; it is energy. It is the very energy that brought you into being. It is the energy that creates all life on this planet. It is, therefore, the most powerful energy on the planet.
Recontextualizing sex and understanding what it truly is can take you a long way in feeling more in touch with the depth and power of female sexuality.
How can you bring female sexuality into the bedroom?
There are many Tantra practices that encourage practitioners to first set an ambient space, recognizing the principle that female sexuality thrives and opens more easily in relaxation and beauty. Candles, lovely scents, soft sheets, soothing music, and delights for your taste buds are all simple and aligned ways to help bring more of this energy into the bedroom.
This act of setting the stage signals to the psyche that this is a time and space set apart from the ordinary routine of daily life. This is a time to leave screens outside the closed door and be fully present with yourself and each other.
One of the simplest ways to cultivate presence is through breath. Many esoteric lovemaking techniques center around different ways of breathing to move sexual energy. While you can certainly learn various breathwork practices, you can also simply focus on breathing deeply while gazing into your lover’s eyes or, if you’re flying solo, gazing into your own eyes in a mirror while breathing deeply.
Use this as an avenue to get curious about the human whose eyes you are looking into. Who is this person? What makes them feel alive? What is their significance to you? How do you feel when you are with them in this moment?
The idea here is to slow down, relax, and consciously become present.
What is the man’s role in engaging more in female sexual expression?
So, am I talking about more foreplay? Yes, that for sure. But also, more presence.
One of the greatest skills a man can develop in relation to female sexuality is learning how to track his lover’s experience. This means that with each kiss and each touch, he is paying attention to how she responds, rather than being absorbed in the sensations of his own body.
The woman’s role in this is to be truthful in her response about what she likes and what she doesn’t. Furthermore, smart men make an effort to gain more knowledge of how the female body works.
A woman’s body is biologically, neurologically, and psychologically designed to give birth, regardless of whether she ever has a child or not. This means her body is built to bond and has a vast capacity for sexual pleasure; it is a natural imperative that this be so. Her sexual pleasure is not limited to her breasts and genitalia. Her entire body has the capacity to be erotic, with many erogenous zones to explore, and what turns her on most can differ from woman to woman.
Additionally, female sexual anatomy is more complex than male sexual anatomy, and learning how it works can take you a long way in creating pleasure and connection. Understanding this about women’s bodies, and meeting a lover as a unique and wonderful landscape to explore, is a deeply sexy way to bring more female sexuality into play.
Anyone can embrace the balance of female sexuality and male sexuality
The point of turning toward principles of female sexuality and styles of lovemaking is not to get rid of male sexuality but rather to bring the two together as the complementary aspects they are. Think of the Yin/Yang symbol: each element is whole in and of itself but also pours into and holds a small bit of the other.
For many men, sex is the place where they most readily access and express their emotions. This becomes even more profound when they actively engage in learning to have their fire burn long and slow, warming the woman over time rather than burning hot and fast like a bonfire that quickly burns out.
For women, greater pleasure and orgasm capacity are reached when they learn to actively ask for a slower approach to sex. It’s important for women to understand how to help their lover keep his fire burning slow and steady, allowing her body the time it needs to open into its most luscious and receptive state.
Setting aside dedicated space and time for lovemaking, exploring the whole body as an erogenous map, slowing down into presence through breathing together, and gazing into each other’s eyes are simple but effective ways to blend male and female sexual needs.
Related article: What is Intimacy? And 8 Ways to Build it in a Relationship - The Last One May Surprise You
Female sexuality: Energy of the goddess
Goddess traditions, from the ancient world to today, acknowledge that, between the sexes, the female body is the more powerful sexual vessel. This must be true for that vessel to take the male offering, join with matter in her own body, transform that union into a new life, grow it inside herself, then push that new life out into the world and nourish it from her body. It takes a tremendous amount of powerful sexual energy to create life.
In our modern world, we use a lot of scientific and medical terms to describe this process, but in the ancient world, the profound act of growing life and giving birth would have been seen as magical, not in a "woo-woo" sense, but in a literal sense. It was a mystery felt in the body and spirit, just like the movements of the sun and the moon, rather than something ordinary that we take for granted.
Ancient people considered women to be the embodiment of the Great Goddess, the life-giver herself. We would all benefit from bringing some of that sense of magic back to sex, infusing a sense of reverence into our lovemaking, and embracing female sexuality as the path to deeper connection.
More sexiness for you
Ready to take the journey into exploring female sexuality? As your dedicated Feminine Embodiment Coach, I'm here to guide you every step of the way.
If you’re the kind of woman who is ready to go all in, join me for my upcoming 6-Week Sexuality and Intimacy Immersion, where you’ll have the opportunity to explore the principles of female sexuality as well as foundational practices that can help you get started right away in a group setting.
Feel like you’d prefer a more personal exploration? Let's work together to create a personalized roadmap tailored to your unique desires and to overcome the obstacles standing in your way. With my expertise and support, you'll embark on a transformative journey toward an embodied way of being, one that brings you into the fulfillment of living as your true self.
Contact me today to take the first step toward your embodied female sexuality!
Read more from Deonesea La Fey
Deonesea La Fey, Feminine Embodiment Coach
Known as an insightful mentor, a potent ceremonialist, and an inspirational speaker, Deonesea is a recognized expert in teaching women how to improve the quality of their intimate relationships and to enhance their sense of pleasure in their day-to-day lives. As a result of 20 years of teaching women how to restore their natural femininity, Deonesea has developed a unique approach that combines practical principles, feminine wisdom teachings, and empowering techniques to guide her clients through a transformational journey of restoration and reconnection to themselves and to their intimate others.
