Written by: Marie Murphy, Ph.D., Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Infidelity situations often seem incredibly difficult – or even impossible – to resolve. And this isn’t surprising, because they present us with so many novel challenges.
In order to resolve your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about, you may have to do more than a few things you’ve never done before, have never learned how to do, and never imagined you might have to do.
For instance…
You may have to deal with your emotions differently. Infidelity situations can be the occasion of a LOT of intense emotions – both immensely pleasurable and excruciatingly uncomfortable – and we may not know what to do when we feel a lot of really intense emotions! At all! (Because most of us have never learned how to consciously relate to our emotions!)
You may have to learn how to manage your own mind. Our minds are more than capable of driving us crazy if we let them. And most of us DO let our minds drive us crazy… because we don’t know how to do anything else. But you CAN learn how to manage your mind, rather than letting it manage you, and when you do this, your infidelity situation becomes much easier to contend with.
You may have to make big decisions about important relationships in your life. Many of us are not very good at making decisions, period, but many of us feel especially ill-equipped to make decisions about our relationships.
In order to make decisions about your relationships, you will almost certainly have to allow yourself to get really clear about what you want in your love life/sex life/romantic life. And you may not have done that in a while! So often we’re taught that honoring our own desires and preferences is selfish. So we start to tell ourselves there’s no point in wanting anything! But then, something happens – like an infidelity situation – and it becomes clear that we really do have to acknowledge what we want.
You may have to give yourself permission to end a commitment – like, perhaps, a commitment you made to stay married to a particular person till death do you part. Ending a major commitment can seem like a threat to our sense of who we are. That isn’t a bad thing, but it can be a pretty disorienting thing. And we need to be able to skillfully navigate our own disorientation.
In order to resolve your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about, you may have to end a relationship. You might have to end multiple relationships. And you may not have had much – or any – practice ending romantic relationships!
If you want to resolve your infidelity situation in a way that you feel good about, you will almost certainly have to learn how to relate to other people’s emotions in a new way. Many of us are terrified of hurting other people. And it is quite likely that within the context of your infidelity situation, you WILL be the occasion of other people’s discomfort or displeasure. You’ve got to learn how to relate to other people’s hurt feelings without slithering into people-pleasing mode.
Depending on the specifics of your infidelity situation, you may have to contend with other people’s opinions of you and your infidelity stuff – or your fears about the opinions other people MIGHT have about you and your infidelity.
And depending on how you’ve been engaging in your relationships to this point in your life, you may need to radically re-evaluate how you want to participate in your romantic relationship, or relationships. This can mean a lot of different things. Sometimes people want to re-evaluate their relationship to monogamy or non-monogamy. Sometimes people want to re-evaluate how they engage with a specific person, or persons. Infidelity situations tend to offer us excellent opportunities to scrutinize the way we are participating in our love lives, and when we do that, we may recognize that we may want to make some changes in the way we do things if we want to have the kinds of relationships we want to have.
And it’s totally possible to do all of these things! But in order to do things that you’ve never done before, you need new tools! You need new ways of thinking about your infidelity situation, and you need new ways of acting in relation to your infidelity situation.
Finding a framework for thinking about your infidelity situation in a way that’s actually helpful, and finding a set of tools you can use to deal with it in a way that you feel great about may not be the easiest thing to do. There’s a lot of advice – or “advice” – out there, circulating in the cultural fog and through the interwebs, on how to deal with infidelity that ranges from being downright horrible to completely useless.
But I’ve got something much, much better for you.
I’m a relationship coach and I provide non-judgmental coaching to people who are engaging in anything they think counts as infidelity. After working with hundreds of clients one-on-one, I’ve developed “You’re Not the Only One,” a source of shame-free teachings on how to resolve your infidelity situation in a way that’s truly right for you.
There’s a self-guided/DIY version of “You’re Not the Only One” that includes my teachings, delivered to you in video form, with accompanying worksheets that will help you apply my wisdom and guidance to the specifics of your love life. Once you join the program, you’ll have 24/7 access to the materials in an online portal forever (meaning, for as long as the program exists… which, barring all of the usual unforeseeable disasters, will be for a long time).
And there’s the secret society/group coaching version of “You’re Not the Only One.” You get all of the online teachings, plus access to group coaching calls which are held in a way that protects your privacy (no video conferencing!).
When you’re ready for change, “You’re Not the Only One” offers you the tools and perspectives you need to deal with your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about.
Yes, resolving an infidelity situation can be challenging. Yes, it can be a bit of a project. But when you have the right tools and support, it’s a challenge/project that is TOTALLY do-able.
And it’s a challenge/project that is SO very worth taking on. The rest of your life is waiting for you! How much more time do you want to spend being consumed by all of your infidelity drama? Probably not that much.
When you’re ready for some relief and a clear path forward, I’m here to help.
Visit my website for more info!
Marie Murphy, Ph.D., Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Marie Murphy is a relationship coach and the host of the podcast, “Your Secret is Safe with Me.” Dr. Murphy helps people who are engaging in anything they think counts as infidelity to deal with their feelings, clarify what they want, and make decisions about what they’re going to do – without shame, blame, or judgments. She believes that if you’re cheating on your partner, you deserve guidance and support that respects the fullness of your humanity, and the complexity of your situation, no matter what you’re doing. Resolving your situation in a way that’s truly right for you IS possible, and Dr. Murphy can help you do it.
