Written by Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen, The Flamekeeper is a leader in holistic healing. 10 years bed bound with chronic illness, on life support repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body and spirit. She is the Creator of the Phoenix Program 1:1 transformational coaching to heal trauma and rekindle your self-confidence.
‘This is a trap.’ ‘Don’t give them any information.’ ‘The more they know about you the worse it will be for you.’ The panic blinds me. It’s impossible to fill in the blanks on the page when fear has turned my mind into one big blank. If like me you have an aversion to admin, or a paperwork phobia what you are experiencing is fear of being controlled.
‘Transcendence’ by Nicoleen Flamekeeper. See more Spiritual art and ltd edition prints here.
You’re not lazy, you’re not simply disorganised, you’re struggling because you may have suffered some trauma that has stunted your growth in ways you haven’t yet even begun to realise.
I’ve always felt like a small child masquerading as adult. I am fiercely independent in some ways and hopelessly lost in others.
You see, when I was a child, I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I was only four at the time and I had no one to turn to. Although my grandmother knew what was happening, she was too weak to stand up against him when he abused my mother and still too weak years later to prevent it happening to me.
The trauma was life arresting
He used intimidation, fear and coersive control I never had anyone to ask for help. The trauma went undealt with, but what happened was life-changing, or rather life-arresting. I buried the trauma deep inside and hid it from my consciousness for most of my life, but the effect it had on me was profound.
Without knowing why, I never felt safe in my own skin. I was always hyper-vigilant, on the lookout, and unable to relax around anyone. I developed a profound distrust of any adults or authority figures. My grandfather was the head of a bank which afforded him status and power. I realise now that I viewed all of those in authority as untouchable, above accountability and dangerous because of how I viewed him.
I formed a belief that all authority were not to be trusted
I never realised this consciously until now, all these decades later that I am able to stand back and unravel how this abuse tainted my life in so many profound ways. I associate any forms or paperwork of any official kind as a trap. I realise now that my trust issues came from a belief all authority figures were not to be trusted, and so I had deep fear around committing myself to anything or filling in any forms because I believed it was going to lead to this entity having control over me, control they would abuse.
Better to live on the sidelines than be abused
What ensued was a lifetime of poor record keeping, fear of taxes, mortgages, ID documentation, any sort of anything that would leave a paper trail that would ultimately lead the abusers to me was to be feared. I had a subconscious belief that I needed to remain unseen, live on the sideline, and not draw any attention to myself because if anyone knew I was there, something bad would happen.
This meant that I couldn’t speak up, I couldn’t voice my needs, or be disagreeable in any way because I was vulnerable. I felt incapable of being an adult, the world was an overwhelming place. I learned at age 4 that it didn’t matter what someone did to me; I needed to shut up and put up with it because I couldn’t look after myself. I needed someone to house me, feed me, clothe me, if I made a scene I would be out on the streets and then how would I survive.
At the same time, I became fiercely independent in other ways. I realised that nobody was coming to save me, and if I wanted anything done, I was going to have to do it myself. It’s a strange mix, to as fierce as a tiger in some ways and as meek as a lamb being led to slaughter in others, yet this has been my truth.
Dependant on others but never supported
In my life, I have been both co-dependant and alone and unsupported. I have never felt I deserved anything and would deny myself the basic necessities of life until such a point that I was in dire need. When it at last became so critical that I got the thing I had been holding out for, if anyone tried to prevent me, I became a wild cat ready to tear them to pieces because my very survival depended on it.
I have realised that the reason I have been completely unable to provide an income for myself and support myself in spite of my many skills and talents is that I have a subconscious belief that it is safer for me to remain under the tax threshold, simply a blip on the radar, not really a person in my own right.
This week I found myself between a rock and a hard place. Either I had to speak up and demand to be noted on the paperwork which controls our family's finances or continue to be a victim who has no say in what happens in my own life.
Trying to be invisible is denying your own existence
It was incredibly difficult to force through the fear screaming ‘this is a trap’, and put my name to the paperwork. I have realised my subconscious belief that I need to remain invisible to be safe is actually harming me. Instead of giving others another way to control me, I have faced my fear and taken back my power, and that is huge!
I have done so much deep healing, and I have learned to love myself in a way that I have never been loved by anyone. I now know I deserve to be here and have greater self-confidence. I do deserve to be acknowledged and have my existence here on earth felt and noted.
Your existence in this world matters
If this story resonates with you, I want you to know that you matter. You deserve to be seen for who you are and be free from trauma so you can live the fulfilling life you deserve.
If you’d like to find out more about how to finally hack away the many tentacles of abuse creating limitations in your life, please book a free breakthrough call with me here.
Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen Flamekeeper is the Flamekeeper, a holistic healing coach transforming mind, body and spirit. 10 years bed-bound with chronic illness, on life support, repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body, and spirit. She is skilled at healing sexual abuse, domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, that results in low self-worth, alcoholism, addiction, depression, anxiety and chronic illness. She is the Creator of the Phoenix program: 1:1 transformational coaching. Her mission: help you heal from trauma and rekindle your self-confidence so that you can create the joyful life you deserve.
