Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I recently decided that it would be interesting to look back at the choices I made over the years that helped me become the woman I am today.
But, soon after I started, I began to wonder if that was such a good idea. That’s when I realized it wasn’t going to be a ‘walk in the park’. Still, I decided to go ahead.
There were 3 things I wanted to understand from doing this exercise.
1. Why I stayed in my unhappy marriage to my first husband, Bill, as long as I did,
2. What kept me stuck in my comfort zone for so long, and
3. To look at the progress I made over the years.
I also knew that I had to accept that, if I was to do a proper review, I had to be honest with myself.
I haven’t always been. Self-deception used to be my coping mechanism when things got tough.
Perhaps, if I’d been aware sooner why I made such poor choices, I could have saved myself quite a bit of suffering but you don’t know what you don’t know, do you?
Looking back, I saw that I’d clung to situations and relationships well beyond their sell-by date.
And this is what I realized.
One reason I did so was that I was afraid I’d end up alone.
Another reason was that I thought that if I tried hard enough I could make things turn out better.
But I also knew that we don’t make choices out of thin air. Choices are often driven by our beliefs and I was riddled with limiting beliefs.
The worst of the lot was the belief that I wasn’t attractive enough or rather, I wasn’t sure if I was so, when I first met Bill, I decided to see if I could make him fall in love with me. The tragedy was that I succeeded because we got married.
That must surely rank among one of my very worst choices. The result was a marriage where I felt unloved, unimportant, taken for granted, lonely, and resentful.
I made many more poor choices throughout my 37-year marriage one of which was trying to improve our relationship single-handedly.
When I finally allowed myself to see the emptiness it took me another two years to disentangle myself, first emotionally and then practically.
With the benefit of the 20-20 hindsight vision I recognized other limiting beliefs such as not being worthy of being loved, not being capable enough to live on my own, that I needed to be strong and independent to be loved when, as I discovered years later, the opposite is true.
It is fair to say that, although it took me 37 years I did, eventually, find the courage to take the plunge.
I was 60 when I finally left.
It is also fair to say that, if I hadn’t had the help and support of Alan, my life coach, I might still be there ‒ a thought that fills me with horror.
Why am I telling you this?
Because, sometimes, you can save yourself a lot of pain and aggravation by learning from other people’s experiences.
So here are some questions to help you get started.
1. If you’re feeling disappointed, lonely, or unhappy in your current relationship, ask yourself, “am I trying to carry this relationship all by myself?”
To succeed, relationships have to be reciprocal.
Be clear about what you need to feel happy and loved in your relationship, for example,
Do you need loving words?
Do you need actions, for example, for your partner to do what they said they would do when they said they would do it in other words, keep promises?
Do you need to know that they’re there for you when you need them?
Do you need them to listen to you, understand, accept and value you?
Do you need to feel that you matter, that you’re up there in their list of priorities?
Do you need physical tenderness?
Are you aware of your sexual needs?
2. If you and your partner have become distant and no longer seem to care about each other, ask yourself, “how am I contributing to the situation?”
Here’s a list of how I contributed to my own unhappiness and, in the end, to the breakdown of my marriage, including
I tended to focus on the things that irritated me about him instead of the things I liked and loved about him when we first met.
I needed to be right but not only did I need to be right, but he also had to admit to being wrong. Needless to say, that never happened.
I took for granted the things he did for me.
I nagged, criticized, and blamed him for everything that made me feel unhappy or that didn’t work out.
I continued to blame him even after I left him. It took another couple of years and the help of Alan, my life coach, to finally see and accept how I contributed to my own unhappiness.
I can’t tell you how painful these insights were, but they turned out to be hugely empowering.
Why?
Because, until I accepted responsibility for my own part in the breakdown of my marriage I remained a victim, unable to change anything because the only person we can change is ourselves.
Having said that, there may be one way to change your partner which is by changing yourself or rather the way you communicate with them.
Watch out for critical words and tone of voice. Avoid wagging your finger at them, actually or metaphorically. This is very easy to do when you’re feeling angry, frustrated, or resentful but it gets in the way of closing the emotional distance between you.
Sadly, I only learned this long after I left Bill.
For a long time I wondered, if I knew then what I know now would it have changed anything?
Looking back, I don’t think so because our differences were far too fundamental.
The truth is, Bill and I should never have got married in the first place but given the reason I pursued him, I guess the end result was unavoidable.
The other thing I learned is that if you still care about your relationship it’s up to you to take the initiative.
If you wait for your partner to take that step, chances are you will be waiting for a long time.
If you feel you made poor choices in the past, review them and ask yourself, “if I knew then what I know now, what would I do differently?”
Luckily, Life gave me a second chance.
I had lived on my own for 10 years rebuilding my life, getting to know who I really am, writing my autobiography available on Amazon, and setting up my own personal relationship coaching practice.
I was really happy and believed I had everything I could ever want.
And then, just two weeks after I returned from a fabulous paragliding holiday in Turkey, I met Dave who turned out to be my soulmate, my best friend, my lover, and my husband.
This is a relationship like no other which, given my history, really intrigued me. I just had to find out how we’re making this relationship as perfect as it is, by the way, I define ‘perfect’ as ‘perfect for each other.
It turns out that
We knew ourselves well enough to recognize the other as the right one for us.
We learned from our mistakes in the past we both had been through hell and high water so there was a lot of learning to be done.
We both adopted behaviors towards each other that express how much we love, value, and appreciate each other and we never take each other for granted.
Obviously, there’s much more to it but those are the basics.
So, here’s the thing.
To make different choices you need to know yourself. You need to know what you really need, what truly matters to you, what makes you truly happy, what makes you deeply sad, what makes you feel unloved, and, of course, what does make you feel loved. In short, you need to know what makes you tick.
If you want to change your future, you need to start making different choices now.
Perhaps you did make choices you regret but, whatever the consequences, there are lessons for you to learn even if only “I won’t do that again in a rush!”
I suggest you revisit some of your mistakes and see what you learned from them.
One lesson might be that, in the light of what happened, you now know that you deserve to be loved, valued, and appreciated.
Another might be that it’s time to forgive yourself.
But the good news is this
Nothing is ever wasted!
And, as one lady told me before she became my client, “I’ve been feeling so unhappy but I finally realized, doing nothing is no longer an option.”
You don’t have to be in pain. Find out what your options are. Give me a call on 07903 795027 or email me at sue@sueplumtree.com
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’ is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015 aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship as well as how it affects our emotional, mental health, and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
