top of page

Why Temporary Wants To Get In The Way Of Fundamental Needs When Grieving

Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses.

 
Executive Contributor Sandy Linda

After my mother died, I took five days of bereavement leave and then I went back to work. I wanted the distraction to avoid the pain of grief. I thought that being around others would help me feel less alone. I remember being in the office and working so hard to pretend that I was okay. But even in the middle of a crowded room, I felt isolated and disconnected. I thought I needed to work and to be with other people. I now know that I wanted this in the moment to dull the pain; but it wasn’t what I actually needed, and I suffered later. 


Smiling woman in a pink shirt holding up five fingers

When you are grieving, you often grab onto achieving temporary wants as they are easier to deliver. In my conversations with clients, they talk about how they just wanted to “bounce back” after they had lost someone. They pushed themselves to get their “head sorted” and get on with work projects as they didn’t want to be singled out in their team. Work was a welcome distraction from the turmoil they were going through. They could just pretend nothing had happened. 


But it came at a cost. They focused so much on these temporary wants that they neglected their longer-term needs. They drove themselves to achieve things that brought some temporary relief but exhausted them, leaving them spent when they actually could face their fundamental needs. 


Recognising what we want and what we need is hard enough in day-to-day life but when we are thrown into grief, it is disorientating. Emotions are heightened and in constant flux. It makes knowing ourselves so much harder. This is what I have distilled from my own experiences and working for years with others. 


What is a temporary want? 

While these will look different to every person, in a business setting, you might find yourself: 


  • Pushing to get back to "normal" as quickly as possible

  • Maintaining a strong facade for your co-workers/ team

  • Diving into work as a distraction

  • Looking for quick solutions to complex emotions. This might be using alcohol or other substances to numb the pain or rushing into major decisions in an attempt to regain a sense of control. 


These temporary fixes can provide momentary relief but ultimately delay the necessary process of genuine healing and growth. What appears to be a shortcut through grief often becomes a longer, more complicated journey when unprocessed emotions resurface later, potentially at critical moments.


What is a fundamental need? 

It isn’t just time frames that differentiate wants and needs. Wants are the tip of an iceberg. They are the things that we can see clearly, whereas needs are the iceberg itself. They are deep, complex, ever-shifting, and huge. Some examples are:


  • Creating space for authentic healing

  • Building sustainable, emotional resilience

  • Modeling healthy grieving for your team

  • Developing deeper self-awareness


Why do we put wants above needs?

Psychological research reveals a paradox in how we handle grief: despite needs being fundamental to our well-being, we often prioritize immediate wants instead. In the 1950s, Abraham Maslow published his Hierarchy of Needs, which gives an insight into why this might be. 


Maslow believed that people need to have their basic needs met, like having food, a place to live, and feeling safe, before they can focus on things like more complex needs like love, friendship, and feeling good about themselves. 


But in our society, we prioritise the now and often ignore the future. We often focus on our wants before we meet our most basic needs. We internalize a false narrative that prioritizing basic needs is somehow “weak” or “indulgent”. This mindset gets reinforced by cultures that celebrate the “hustle” and glamorise burnout. It is programmed then that we should choose quick fixes temporary wants over deeper healing, because they are quicker to attain. 


When you are grieving, your wants become things like craving “normalcy”, physical connection or, at the other end of the scale, losing yourself to alcohol or drugs. Some of these want to provide quick dopamine release while others give a false sense of progress. Addressing core needs requires vulnerability and sustained effort; and this can seem too hard when we are grieving. 


How do you learn to differentiate between a want and a need? 

We also have to recognise that grief brings confusion. Your world can feel wrong and unrecognisable. This means that, while the difference between need and want seems simple on paper, when you are grieving, it isn’t easy at all. 


Your body may well be in fight-or-flight mode constantly pumping adrenaline which makes it difficult to focus on anything but the immediate. The moment of clarity for me came not after a business strategy session or after reading a self-help book, but in the raw, unfiltered moments walking along the ocean's edge with my grief as my unexpected teacher. The sound of the waves crashing on the shore washed away all of the distractions. I could feel my needs when my head was emptied of my wants. 


How do you determine your needs and fulfill them? 

This might seem like an overwhelming task so let me simplify this for you. Hold one hand out in front of you. Now we are going to assign each finger with one need, and you can then check in on them every day. 


Your pinky finger represents your Physical Need taking care of your body and physical well-being. You do this by: 

  • Scheduling regular exercise routines, such as a morning jog or lunch break yoga, to maintain energy and focus.

  • Prioritizing sleep and establishing a consistent sleep schedule to ensure you're well-rested for critical leadership decisions.

  • As a leader, you may need to adjust your travel schedule to accommodate self-care, such as booking flights with more layovers to reduce fatigue.


Your ring finger represents your Emotional Need acknowledging and processing your emotions in a healthy way. This means: 


  • Practicing emotional labeling to acknowledge and process your emotions, such as journaling or talking to a trusted friend or mentor.

  • Developing a support network of peers or a coach who can offer guidance and empathy during challenging times.

  • Learning to recognize and manage emotional triggers, such as taking a break during a heated meeting to collect your thoughts.


Your middle finger represents your Mental Need maintaining a clear and focused mind. Some ideas include:


  • Establishing a daily mindfulness practice, such as meditation or deep breathing, to maintain clarity and focus.

  • Prioritizing tasks and delegate responsibilities to manage your workload and reduce mental fatigue.

  • Developing a growth mindset, recognizing that challenges are opportunities for growth and learning.


Your pointer finger represents your Relational Need nurturing connections with loved ones and community. You can do this by:

  • Scheduling regular check-ins with your team to foster open communication and build trust.

  • Nurturing relationships with mentors or peers who can offer guidance and support during difficult times.

  • Developing a culture of empathy and understanding within your organization, encouraging employees to prioritize their own well-being.


And your thumb represents your Spiritual Need finding meaning, purpose, and connection to something greater than yourself. Why not try:

  • Reflecting on your personal values and mission to ensure alignment with your leadership role and organization.

  • Practicing gratitude by acknowledging the contributions of your team members and expressing appreciation for their hard work.

  • Developing a sense of purpose beyond your leadership role, such as volunteering or mentoring, to maintain a sense of fulfillment and meaning.


This simple exercise could actually be a strategy to help through any difficult time in our lives but also to help us navigate the complexities of everyday life. 


Recognizing when you are putting wants ahead of needs means you recognize when you are struggling, and you need to take action. It often means slowing down and taking stock – something that is difficult when others are relying upon you. 


However, it is also a skill that will boost your resilience in the long term and make you a better decision-maker. And it will strengthen your relationship with others. Someone who can stop and admit that they are out of kilter and that they need to redress the balance in their life is someone who is leading by example. This builds better team trust and makes you someone who others can turn to when they are facing their own healing journey. 


 

For a more detailed discussion of the concept of Wants vs. Needs, please listen to my recent podcast episode. The Hand of Healing: 5 Fundamental Needs During Grief.


Follow me on LinkedIn, Pinterest, and visit my website for more info!

 

Sandy Linda, Life Coach with Grief Expertise

Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.

  • LinkedIn
  • Facebook
  • Instagram
  • Spotify

CURRENT ISSUE

Jelena Sokic.jpg
bottom of page