Written by: Krisztina Konya, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Why are boundaries necessary, and how do we set them?
On our journey of self-development and self-discovery, one of the most challenging things to learn is to set healthy boundaries – especially when we don't have them. Unfortunately, because of society, family dynamics, and cultural conditioning, some might find it challenging to understand how and when it is appropriate to apply these boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries means empowering yourself and protecting your space emotionally, physically, and energetically; your boundaries are not visible like a fence or a "no trespassing" sign; your limits are more like your personal, invisible bubble.
It is elemental to understand that setting boundaries don't mean separating yourself from everyone and everything; boundaries act more like connecting points in navigating your relationships and personal and professional life.
It is interesting to observe how – when you start practising self-love and self-respect, and you define your boundaries – the emotional side of you will kick in. You might experience shame, guilt, embarrassment, and judgement from others or start judging yourself. You might feel that people you love might feel that you have become "distant", or you might have a strong feeling that if you set your boundaries, they will not love you or accept you anymore.
Cheryl Strayed, in her book "Tiny Beautiful Things: Advice on Love and Life from someone who's been there", said:
"Boundaries have nothing to do with whether you love someone or not. They are not judgements, punishments, or betrayals. Instead, they are a purely peaceable thing: the basic principles you identify for yourself that define the behaviours you will tolerate from others and their responses to those behaviours."
Setting healthy boundaries for yourself doesn't mean that you care less about the other person. Instead, it means that you permit yourself to put yourself first. You allow yourself to focus on your wants and needs before others. And that is fine. It is a conscious decision – for yourself. By establishing your limits, you still can be supportive and understanding; you still can listen and be there – as a genuinely loving person, not as a people pleaser, rescuer or victim.
When you come from a place of love and understanding when your intentions are good-willed, and people around you will understand and accept your newly set boundaries. You can still be loving and supportive without taking their struggles and issues on your shoulders. Be caring and understanding toward yourself first of all when you are learning to set your healthy boundaries. And when you step out from the comfort of "familiarity", you will notice the guilt and the shame appearing. It is all right; embrace yourself for daring to step out from the routine, from the uncomfortable familiar. All these feelings will come because we have that robust, conditioned internal measure of what we "should" or "shouldn't" do. We are so attached to the idea that we are responsible for others that set the boundaries we might feel that we have abandoned them.
On the other hand, the truth is that you both will be just fine; you have your healthy boundaries, and the other person will accept them and embrace the change in their life. You contribute this way not only to your growth and development but to the growth and self-awareness of the other person. So, from my point of view, setting healthy boundaries is a win-win situation.
The most important principle behind setting boundaries is this: you cannot take good care of others if you don't take good care of yourself first. You cannot respect others if you don't respect yourself first. And you cannot unconditionally and unapologetically love others if you don't love yourself first.
And if you are one of those people who don't know how to set healthy boundaries for themselves, for your health and wellbeing; here are a few tips on how to get started:
Have an internal talk with yourself.
I would love to invite you – even if it might seem challenging at the beginning – to sit down with the most crucial person in your life – you, for a heartfelt internal talk. Make a note of what bothers you, what makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious, and what causes you stress. Take some time to get to know yourself and your feelings first. Then, make an "inventory" of your life and your relationships, and see where is it that you are not happy, that you feel that "you are trapped". Then, have that conversation with yourself as soon as possible.
Start with small steps at the beginning.
Someone invited you for a coffee, but you don't feel like going out on a Saturday morning when the bed is so cosy. A simple "no, thank you" will do it. However, saying yes when you want to say "no." will not help you build healthy boundaries. Instead, try simple things like saying "no" to requests and situations that might take time and energy away from what is important to you.
Consistency is key.
Establishing boundaries – after having none for so long – takes time and work from your side. Practice, practice, practice – be consistent. You will experience more time for yourself – to do what you like and want to do – you will realize that people will accept your boundaries and respect them. Some people will not understand what is happening and will try to penetrate your new boundaries – it signals that you might want to reconsider that relationship’s worthiness.
Be your own biggest cheerleader.
When no one celebrates you – celebrate yourself. You started to build your boundaries – be proud of yourself. Remember that, like anything else, they need a strong foundation. Be consistent in setting them, and show yourself a little love and understanding – especially at the beginning – when fear, shame, guilt, embarrassment, and judgement kick in. You were not born to please others, to rescue others – and you don't have to. You were born responsible for your own life, decisions, and actions.
Be aware of others' boundaries.
The more you work on yourself, the more aware you will become of your emotions, feelings, thoughts, and boundaries – the more familiar you will become with other people's boundaries. Respect their boundaries, and they will respect yours too. This way, you will learn to cultivate healthy relationships.
You are worthy; you matter. You are here to live life on your terms. Setting healthy boundaries will help you have a more balanced life and better relationship with yourself and others; you will learn to prioritize and put yourself first. You don't have to be ashamed or feel guilty. Remember that boundaries are an essential element of good self-care, they are a strong foundation for self-love and self-respect, and they will help you increase your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.
Setting healthy boundaries is one of the pillars of bringing balance into your life.
Krisztina Konya, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Krisztina is deeply a passionate person, who believes that we are all destined for greatness. The first step in achieving success is to unleash the power of self-love and to know ourselves well. From here we can build up successful businesses from the heart and live a happy and joyful life. Krisztina is success & authentic leadership coach, company owner and author. She has a solid academic background with a Degree in Business Management, and she is a Spiritual Life coach. Her mission is to encourage women to find their path towards empowerment, to hold the space for them to achieve this by giving them some of the most valuable and practical tools.
