Eszter Noble is an RTT® practitioner, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Coach, specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression. Her method utilizes the most effective techniques from CBT, NLP, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy, with the ability to provide freedom from any issues and deliver permanent, lasting solutions.
Confidence has always been a hot commodity, but what does it do for us and why do we want it? It’s important for several reasons. It allows us to perform better under pressure, it’s crucial for making difficult decisions, helps put challenges and potential failures into perspective, not to mention how it can enhance our self-esteem as well.
Having confidence means feeling sure of yourself and your abilities. It is often defined as trust in oneself. It’s also important to note that self-confidence is not the same as self-esteem, which is based on our opinions and beliefs and how we value and perceive ourselves. Sounds simple enough, so why do we struggle to conquer confidence, why does it seem so elusive?
Why confidence is just an illusion
Have you ever wondered why certain people, sometimes celebrities seem to have it all, they appear so confident, so sure of themselves and you find out that they have a massive drinking problem, or they resort to other substance abuse? That’s because they can be great at what they do, they can acquire skills, work on their abilities but unfortunately it doesn’t mean that they have a healthy self-image or that they truly understand their own self-worth. For instance, someone can practice a lot and be a fantastic standup comedian, be outwardly successful but at the same time struggle to truly accept praise, feel that they are unworthy of attention, and battle with low self-esteem. With that in mind, becoming confident should never be the ultimate goal.
“Confidence is crucial but it’s nothing without self-esteem.” – Eszter Noble
Why do we doubt ourselves?
Even though everyone is unique, we are all human and have basic, fundamental needs we all share. When we are born, we have 4 needs that stay with us for the rest of our lives. We need to feel safe, loved, connected and significant. Unfortunately, even when children are planned and very much wanted, parents aren’t always able to meet all of these needs, arguably most parents may not even be aware of them. Perhaps they still have unmet needs themselves. Some parents are convinced that providing financial security or a good education is essential and may neglect the emotional aspects. We all have our individual sets of values and that’s fine, but no one can overwrite basic human needs. When there is a misalignment between values and needs, the problems start.
I worked with a client who was sent to boarding school at the tender age of 7 and she interpreted this event as being unwanted, rejected by her parents. She therefor found it difficult her entire life to trust others, let people in and struggled with forming connections. She felt that if her own mother and father couldn’t make time for her, didn’t want her around, then why would anyone else ever care? It’s never what happened to us that matters but how we interpret it. Unfortunately, parents may have great intentions, may want the best for their kids but end up creating a situation where the child interprets the actions in a completely different way. They assume their feelings are facts, they may never discuss it with the ‘perpetrators’ and live their entire life with the belief that they don’t deserve to feel connected, significant…loved.
Children are dependent on the adult’s feedback around them, and they try to make sense of the world through their eyes, so if early on they perceive themselves and unwanted, unlovable or not good enough, they take these beliefs with them into their adult life. When they do come across behaviour that is unfamiliar, acts of kindness perhaps or generosity they don’t question their core belief of unworthiness, the immediately question the other persons intention.
This is of course a very complex matter but what I would like to highlight is that regardless who hurt us in the past, it is now our responsibility to understand, untangle and alleviate the problem. It’s important to acknowledge that some parents may not be attuned to their children's needs, and that meeting our own needs is always the wisest course of action. When we give someone else that power, when we expect someone else to meet our needs, to make us feel significant, they can just as easily take it away again.
Understanding where our limiting beliefs come from, reinterpreting that painful memory or situation is essential before we start building up our confidence. It’s much like making sure our house has a stable foundation before we move on to the walls and the roof. If we fail to follow these steps, our confidence can easily crumble at the first obstacle or difficulty.
When you truly understand your worth, accept and love yourself, it becomes infinitely harder for self-doubt to take over and you become resilient in the face of adversity. Speaking of which, lets take a moment and look at some factors that can undermine our confidence.
Comparison and other confidence killers
Alongside our own personal stories and beliefs we carry, there are 4 core fears that often impede us from being our best selves and achieving our goals:
1. Fear of other people’s opinion
I don’t think this point needs a lot of explanation, I’m sure most of us felt it at some point in our lives, but why does it matter? It matters because deep down we all fear rejection. We are social creatures, we need connection, it’s one of our basic needs that is linked to survival and therefore not being liked, or accepted by others can feel so devastating. Even if we are able to physically survive by ourselves as adults, emotionally we still very much depend on others.
2. Self-doubt
Speaks for itself, and it can easily undermine our confidence, that’s why its so crucial to become aware of our inner critic and deal with it.
3. Imposter syndrome
Also needs no introduction I’m sure, but I would like to take a moment and question its entire existence! Imposter syndrome can be defined as the psychological experience of feeling like a fake or a phony despite any genuine success that you have achieved. Now, I would like to know who was born knowing it all?
Absolutely no one is born knowing more than others or being more worthy. We are all born naked and screaming, we all need to learn how to walk and to put the porridge in our mouth and not our ears, we all start the same. I think it’s just a fancy and frankly unnecessary notion for self-doubt and we certainly don’t need more limiting labels.
4. Comparison
I don’t think a day, or better yet an hour goes by especially since social media, that we don’t compare ourselves to others. This often happens on a subconscious level without us even necessarily realising it, but it’s very prevalent in our lives. What I would like to know is, how is it fair to compare someone’s chapter 2 to someone else’s chapter 27? We usually disregard all of the surrounding circumstances and just fixate on one element, but if we want to make a truly fair comparison, we need to consider all aspects. To get a better understanding of this matter, let’s consider the following.
Learning from the best, isn’t always the best idea
A perhaps unexpected way life can torpedo our confidence is by not only looking up to someone successful and endlessly comparing ourselves, but actually trying to learn from them.
Online learning has quickly become a multi-billion-dollar industry and there is no shortage of information or courses, but often we don’t get the results we had hoped for. We sign up, spend our money and ultimately not much changes, we then come to the conclusion that the course is great, we just weren’t smart enough, capable enough to implement what we’ve learned. Even when we have a mentor or try to learn from an individual, we overlook the differences in circumstances, personality, values and motivation.
Let’s say you pick up a book that advocates for early morning efficiency, it goes on endlessly about how you have to wake up at preferably 4 am to get things done and achieve ultimate success. For some, that may be hell. Maybe you’re productive in the afternoon or late at night.
I really believe that all advice or instructions need to be taken with a pinch of salt. What works for many, may not work for you and that’s fine, but never blame or punish yourself. Instead put your energy into finding your own way, creating a system that works for you and stick to it.
Confidence is a muscle, use it or you lose it
There is a very simple yet specific reason most people fail at their endeavours. It’s not the lack of knowledge or skills, bad timing or anything like that, very often they just didn’t persevere long enough. We live in an immediate gratification world and not just the younger generation, but everyone has been ‘trained’ to want results and to want them now! It has become increasingly harder to see the bigger picture, be patient, stay committed and not lose motivation.
The muscle analogy works wonderfully in 2 ways. Most of us wouldn’t go to the gym, work out for an hour and expect to shed all the excess weight or build masses of muscles in that time. We understand that it will take time to see results, months, perhaps even years. On the other hand, we also realize that we need to keep going back to maintain our shape, we can’t just do it once and have it last for years to come. This applies to so many different aspects of our lives, it’s unreal.
What I’ve noticed in the past years, is the detrimental effect working from home has had on us. People developed social anxiety, executives who used to be confident are nervous to do what they have been doing for decades, and the list goes on. Confidence should never be taken for granted and we need to continuously push ourselves, step out of our comfort zone and keep going even when it’s difficult.
Another interesting phenomenon I’ve noticed lately is the effect dating has on even the most successful people. They get ready, feel great about themselves, show up in a really confident and positive way, have great conversation and return home feeling fantastic. In the days that follow, perhaps they don’t hear from the other person as much as they would like to, they don’t arrange a second date, or the conversation dies down entirely. The person then immediately starts analysing every message that’s been sent, every behaviour on the date and embarks on a seemingly endless journey to find the ‘why’. Needless to say, that disappointment sets in, sadness, and a whole host of other unwanted nasty feelings.
So how is it possible that someone who is otherwise so successful, smart and confident can be jolted into self-doubt so quickly? It’s again that fear of rejection, we are social creatures and care about other people’s opinion. Also, confidence needs maintenance. It’s moments like this where we need to realise that unfortunate, unpleasant things happen, and they happen to everyone.
Is it uncomfortable, even painful? Perhaps. That doesn’t mean you question yourself, especially your worth. Absolutely not! Never allow someone you’ve known for a few hours to somehow determine your worth. Why would you give them so much power? They haven’t earned it.
The most important words you’ll ever hear
Following on from the last point, most of us will expect validation and positive reinforcement from others. There are two significant issues with this approach.
When we expect praise from others, when we expect someone else to make us feel good about ourselves, they can just as quickly take that away again.
The other issue with relying on praise from others, is that they may have a hidden agenda. They might say something nice, flatter us hoping to get something in return. When you are nice to yourself though, when you praise yourself, there is no agenda. Bear in mind though, I am not encouraging empty, over the top praise that has a taint of arrogance. I am talking about genuine compliments that are rooted in reality.
You can start small, praise yourself for helping someone, acknowledge when you’ve been kind, give yourself a pat on the back when you achieve something. Think about what you’ve always wanted to hear growing up and never did. Guess what, you can say it to yourself, and it will be immensely powerful. Now, I can already hear some of my readers squirming in their seats, thinking how silly and uncomfortable this would be.
No one needs to know. Do it when you’re alone, praise yourself in private, but do it. And if you still find it difficult, imagine that the younger you, the adorable 6-year-old version of yourself is standing in front of you. Would you have the heart to deny him/her that compliment, that praise? It’s what (s)he desperately needed to hear all these years.
Don’t take yourself for granted, celebrate your successes, even the small ones. It will work wonders and help tremendously with building up your self-esteem.
The most important action you’ll ever take
Since we are on the subject of self-talk, and increasing self-esteem, another incredibly powerful tool is to keep your word to yourself. Often, we’ll allow others to make their issues, their emergencies ours, we deprioritise ourselves, if we were even on the ‘to do’ list to begin with. Other times we procrastinate because we simply don’t feel good enough, we’re afraid of the potential outcome, we’re avoiding a negative feeling associated with the task at hand. Well… the reality is that we get good at something by doing it, practicing. As they say:
“You don’t have to be great to start, but you have to start to be great!”
Keeping your promises and your word to yourself has a very powerful effect. Not only will you feel a sense of achievement and be proud, but over time, you will feel worthy. As you make this a habit in your life and expect it from yourself, it will have a knock-on effect and you start to expect it from others as well. Longer term it will strengthen your confidence as well as your self-belief.
Now that we’ve dissected and deconstructed confidence, spoke about self-esteem and how to build it, I’d like to address one more massive pitfall that usually blocks people from becoming who they want to be.
Getting back your true confidence with grace
Life is tricky, confidence is complex, but one thing isn’t. When we are born, we are absolutely convinced we are adorable, lovable and worthy. If we are hungry the whole household will know, if we’re uncomfortable we express it. Babies never worry about being too loud or asking for what they need. Babies also don’t give up. They never stop trying and think – “ohhh wow this walking thing is pretty hard, so I’ll just stay sitting down.” They keep practicing and celebrate themselves once they succeed. And this is exactly the kind of mentality and attitude we need to reignite!
Unfortunately, we pick up so many false beliefs, unhelpful fears, unnecessary anxieties from our environment and make debilitating decisions along the way which become part of our identity and eventually shape who we are. When we work on a problem, try to change, we don’t even realise that we are expected to give up part of our identity. That’s why it’s so difficult to change, but no one warns us about it, and the road ahead is dark and unfamiliar. If we give up our old self, who do we become? Who do we need to become, to be happy and to live the live we truly want?
Letting go of old unhelpful beliefs, fears that weren’t even ours to begin with and reigniting that immaculate innocence we were born with, that powerful belief we had in ourselves is crucial, but we also have to have a clear vision of what we want. A true rebirth, reinvention of ourselves is necessary to be truly confident. And this is where GRACE comes in.
To create a new and improved version of yourself, I’d like to suggest the following steps:
Gratitude – be grateful for where you are in your life, even just for the realisation that you want to change. Gratitude will allow you to see the positive, to notice opportunities, to be hopeful and it helps you deal with adversities. It puts you in the right frame of mind to start, to tackle and to persevere.
Rewrite your story. No one had a perfect childhood; we all faced adversity and had to deal with difficult times but it’s never what happened to us, but how we interpret a specific situation. Certainly, growing up we didn’t always have the right tools to make sense of every challenging situation, but we have far more knowledge and experience now. Never reinforce old stories, instead ask yourself: “Is that really what happened? Did I interpret that correctly?” I have a lot of clients who often see the boundaries set by their parents as an act of limitation and punishment, but what if they set those boundaries to protect? Could it be that they were terrified of something happening to their beloved child? Every case is unique, but there are always two sides to a coin, so consider the possibilities.
Act in the way your ideal self would. I mentioned earlier that we need to shed our old self and create a new, more empowering self-image. So, how do we then go about becoming the new self? We become the new self by doing. We must take consistent action in the way that our improved version would, and over time it becomes second nature. Also, you can read all the books you like, gather all the great insight you can, but it won’t help whatsoever unless you put it into practice.
Challenge yourself continuously. They say that nothing good ever happens in the comfort zone, and I couldn’t agree more. Set yourself achievable challenges, keep going just a little bit further each time, and you’ll be surprised how little you need to go a long way.
Environment is the last but perhaps one of the most important elements by far. Surrounding yourself with the right, inspiring, encouraging and talented people is one of the best decisions you could ever make for yourself. Humans are not only very resilient but also highly adaptable. It doesn’t take long for us to conform and adjust to a new environment. This of course can be good or bad. You may be a product of your environment, you may not have been born into the right circumstances, but you can now, as an adult choose to change your environment.
Perhaps you might be thinking that this is a lot to process and that I’m asking a lot, and that’s right. I am asking you to question every situation that feels challenging, I’m asking you to question every belief that isn’t empowering. I’m asking you to go back to basics and remember that you had to learn how to walk, learn how to talk and you persevered. When you find yourself in a difficult situation, the power of one little word can change it all. If you don’t know how to do something, just say ‘yet’. Preparation, practice and perseverance will build your confidence.
Believe in your abilities and dare to see the possibilities. If you keep doing what you have been doing all these years, you will get the same results. That’s why a ‘rebirth’ a reinvention of yourself is necessary. Let go of the past and live your life the way you want to. Dare to dream big!
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Eszter Noble, Clinical Hypnotherapist & Coach
Eszter Noble is an established Clinical Hypnotherapist using the RTT® (Rapid Transformational Therapy) method, trained by world-renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer. She is known for dealing with extremely difficult cases and clients who have been stuck for years and who have tried it all. Specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression, she is extremely intuitive and honest, dedicated to empowering her clients to become the best possible versions of themselves. Offering her expertise in English, German, and Hungarian, Eszter’s mission is to take the taboo out of therapy.
