With over 25 years in Behavioral Health, Training and Organizational Development, Dr. Veronica Powell, the 'Communication Doctor,' turned a personal trauma into a mission to revolutionize virtual communication.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, your safety must always come first. Abuse, whether physical, emotional, or verbal, creates dangerous situations that require careful navigation. If you’re in immediate danger, prioritize finding a safe space or contacting local emergency services. Remember, reactive behaviors can sometimes escalate already volatile circumstances, and it’s important to use caution when navigating unsafe environments. If possible, reach out to domestic violence hotlines, shelters, or trusted individuals who can help you plan a safe path forward.
In films like "The Burning Bed" (1984) and "What's Love Got to Do with It" (1993), the torment of domestic abuse is vividly portrayed, showing the desperate circumstances faced by those trapped in violent relationships. "The Betty Broderick Story" and "A Cry for Help: The Tracey Thurman Story" (1989) echo these dynamics, capturing moments when victims pushed to their breaking points—are forced into actions they never imagined.
Furthermore, as someone who has experienced Reactive Abuse firsthand, I know how easy it is to feel trapped in an endless cycle. In one of my own relationships, I lashed out verbally when I felt cornered, convinced that it was the only way to protect myself. It was not until I began to recognize the patterns, seek support, and gain self-awareness that I was able to reclaim management over my reactions. Healing is a journey, and while maintaining boundaries remains a challenge, self-awareness has been my compass toward growth.
In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, this article will present the often misunderstood concept of Reactive Abuse, where victims, after enduring relentless mistreatment, may be viewed as the aggressor. We will also dive into the Life Languages™ Communication framework, a tool that can help us understand distress behaviors and how individuals under immense pressure might react. Whether you are seeking to understand this complex phenomenon or have experienced it yourself, this article offers insights, compassion, and strategies for breaking the cycle.
The hidden reality of reactive abuse
Reactive Abuse is not a case of mutual aggression, although it is often mistaken for that. Reactive Abuse occurs when a victim, after enduring prolonged verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, reacts defensively to a real or anticipated threat. These reactions, which may involve yelling, name-calling, or even physical retaliation, are not calculated acts of aggression. Instead, they are survival mechanisms triggered by the body’s natural fight, flight or freeze response to overwhelming stress.
One of the most significant challenges in understanding Reactive Abuse is that there are no official statistics to track how often it occurs. Without quantifiable data, the true prevalence of Reactive Abuse remains unclear, and many cases go unrecognized or misinterpreted. Because the victim’s defensive response can appear aggressive, it is often wrongly viewed as a mutual conflict rather than a reaction to ongoing abuse. This lack of formal data adds to the complexity of understanding the nuances of Reactive Abuse and underscores the need for greater awareness and education on the topic.
How the narrative gets twisted
What makes Reactive Abuse particularly damaging is how abusers manipulate the narrative. When victims react defensively, abusers often seize the opportunity to present themselves as the true victims. By twisting the situation, they use the victim’s defensive responses as "evidence" of aggression, shifting the blame and portraying the victim as the aggressor.
For the victim, this reversal can be devastating. Feelings of guilt, shame, and confusion take root. They may start to question themselves, doubting whether they are truly the victim or the aggressor. This gaslighting can isolate them further, reinforcing the abuser’s control while leaving the victim stuck in a distorted version of reality and often unable to seek the support they need.
My personal journey with reactive abuse
As I reflect on my own experiences, I realize that Reactive Abuse is something I witnessed long before I experienced it firsthand. Growing up, I watched my mother endure years of physical, emotional, and financial abuse from my father. The toll on her was immense, and though she eventually fought back both verbally and physically, her reactions were born out of desperation. I also saw other female family members respond similarly, resorting to verbal or physical retaliation as a means of defense.
However, my grandmother took a different path. After experiencing several mini-strokes that were not immediately debilitating, she began her recovery while living with one of her adult children. But eventually, at the demand of my grandfather, who was emotionally, verbally, financially, and physically abusive, she returned to their home. It was there that we witnessed a heartbreaking transformation. My grandmother seemed to retreat into herself, becoming a full invalid, ultimately dependent on the very man who had mistreated her for years. Her silence, I have often wondered, was her way of asserting control, forcing him to care for her after all the years of abuse.
In my own relationships, I unknowingly mirrored these reactive patterns. When I felt cornered or overwhelmed, I lashed out verbally, thinking it was the only way to defend myself. But through self-awareness, therapy, and boundary-setting, I began to see the toxic cycle for what it was. I realized that reactive behavior, though it felt like the only option at the time, was not a solution. Healing came when I learned to pause, reflect, and respond differently.
It is a process, and I am far from perfect. However, that self-awareness was a crucial step in reclaiming my voice, helping me break free from reactive patterns. While maintaining boundaries continues to be a challenge, focusing on the root causes of my reactions has been transformative in allowing me to shift toward healthier communication.
How life languages™ ties into reactive abuse
The Life Languages™ framework, created by Fred and Anna Kendall (2019), categorizes communication into three primary styles: Action, Feeling, and Thinking. This framework has been one of my saving graces on my journey toward learning healthier communication patterns and behaviors. These three categories encompass seven distinct languages that reflect different communication preferences:
Action languages: Mover and Doer
Individuals in this category react quickly and are often driven by the need to take immediate action and accomplish tasks.
Feeling languages: Influencer and Responder
Those with feeling languages are emotionally intuitive and prioritize relationships and feelings in their communication.
Thinking languages: Shaper, Producer, and Contemplator
Individuals in this category are reflective and methodical and prioritize information and analysis in decision-making.
When any of these languages' scores are below 50 points, they are considered as our survival or trauma languages. In moments of stress or trauma, these distress flares, which are defined as “the ways we predictably sabotage our personal or professional lives,” (Kendall & Kendall, 2019) manifest as defensive or reactive behaviors. For example:
Mover: Reacts with urgency and intensity, possibly with verbal or physical outbursts.
Doer: Becomes rigid, overly structured, or highly critical in an effort to maintain control.
Influencer: May react emotionally, either with intense outbursts or by withdrawing.
Responder: Retreats emotionally or lashes out defensively when feeling vulnerable or hurt.
Shaper: Becomes controlling or critical in an attempt to reestablish order.
Producer: Detaches emotionally, focusing solely on facts to avoid confrontation.
Contemplator: Withdraws into overthinking, often shutting down emotionally.
Understanding these distress flares helps us see that victims of Reactive Abuse are not acting out of aggression but out of survival. Their responses are rooted in a need for protection, not harm.
Legal consequences of reactive abuse
One of the most troubling aspects of Reactive Abuse is the potential for severe legal consequences. When victims react defensively, their behavior is often misunderstood by law enforcement, leading to arrests or charges. In some cases, abusers manipulate the situation so effectively that they convince authorities the victim is the aggressor, leaving the victim vulnerable to legal repercussions.
A tragic example of how far this cycle can go is seen in "The Burning Bed," a film based on the true story of Francine Hughes. After enduring years of relentless abuse, Francine reached a breaking point and set fire to the bed while her husband was asleep, ultimately resulting in his death. Although she acted out of sheer desperation, her actions were viewed through the lens of criminal law, leading to a high-profile trial. Francine was later acquitted by reason of temporary insanity, but her case highlights how Reactive Abuse can escalate to extreme measures when victims feel there is no escape.
Breaking the cycle: Healing the root of reactive abuse
Breaking the cycle of Reactive Abuse requires more than just addressing surface-level behaviors like defensive outbursts. True healing involves getting to the root of the underlying pain and trauma that drive these reactions. Without tackling these root causes, the cycle will continue to repeat. To begin this process, here are some essential steps to guide you toward breaking the cycle:
Understand the signs: Pay attention to behaviors that seem out of character, like sudden outbursts, that only occur in the context of abuse. These are signals of deeper, unresolved trauma.
The triggers: Abusers often provoke reactions understanding your emotional triggers can help disarm their control.
Manage your reactions: Using grounding techniques and mindfulness can help you stay calm in the moment, creating space to begin healing the root issues.
Seek support: Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. Reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can support you on this journey.
Heal the root, don’t just cover the symptoms: Real healing means addressing the trauma driving the behavior, not just covering it up. By healing the root, you can start breaking the cycle.
Use life languages™: Recognize your Distress Flares using the Life Languages™ framework. By understanding how stress affects your communication style, you can regain control and break free from toxic cycles.
Conclusion
Understanding Reactive Abuse is vital, not only for those who may be experiencing it but also for those who wish to offer support. Reactive Abuse is not about aggression or retaliation it is about survival. When victims of long-term mistreatment reach their breaking points, their reactions are often misunderstood. The key to breaking the cycle is not to simply manage the surface behaviors, but to heal the root causes of the pain, trauma, and patterns of control that fuel these reactions. This journey requires self-awareness, no longer keeping secrets of the abuse, support, and a commitment to healing on a deeper level.
For those currently navigating abusive situations, know that you are not alone. Healing is possible and understanding how you respond to distress is an important first step toward regaining management over your life and breaking free from toxic cycles.
Call to action
The journey toward healing and effective communication starts with understanding. Take a step toward deeper self-awareness by exploring your primary communication style through the Free Life Languages™ Mini Profile. By recognizing how you respond to stress, you can begin to manage your reactions more effectively and break free from toxic patterns.
Embark on this journey today and join a community committed to mastering communication and crafting a world where every voice is truly heard and understood.
Dr. Veronica Powell, PhD, LPC, PC, Measures4Success, LLC
With over 25 years in Behavioral Health, Training and Organizational Development, Dr. Veronica Powell, the 'Communication Doctor,' turned a personal trauma into a mission to revolutionize virtual communication. As the Owner of Measures4Success and an Independent Certified Life Languages Communications Coach, she's a dynamic force equipped with diverse skills, including those of an Industrial Organizational Psychologist, Licensed Professional Counselor and Clinical Trauma Professional, among others. Shifting from the "Therapyroom" to the digital "Courseroom," she guides others through her online platform, M4S Academy, to transcend digital barriers and achieve personal and professional growth.
Resources for Victims and Perpetrators:
Victims and perpetrators seeking help or resources can turn to the following:
For victims:
DomesticShelters.org. (2024). International Organizations Domestic Violence National / Global Resources.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: Call 1-800-799-7233 and TTY 1-800-787-3224.
RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network) is the nation's largest anti-sexual violence organization.
Safe & Together Institute. (2022). International domestic violence resources.
For perpetrators:
References:
Kendall, F. & Kendall, A. (2019). Communication IQ: A Proven Way to Influence, Lead, and Motivate People. Life Languages™ International. New Kensington, PA: Whitaker House.
Pace, R. (2024). What is reactive abuse and how to deal with it.
Plantinga, K. (2024). 14 real life reactive abuse examples & scenarios.
RetroReport. (2020). Transcript: The domestic violence case that turned outrage into action.
Winter, C. (2023). Reactive abuse: Meaning, examples, patterns, signs, effects.
