Why Letting Go Feels So Hard Even When You Want To
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 1
- 5 min read
Stacey Uhrig is a Certified Trauma Care Practitioner, Rapid Transformational Therapy Practitioner, speaker, and host of the Flip Your Mindset podcast. She specializes in helping individuals heal unresolved childhood and developmental trauma, equipping clients with tools to reframe their narratives and build resilience, self-confidence, and authentic connections.
Letting go is often depicted as a moment of freedom a breath of fresh air, a release, a deliberate choice. However, for many people, especially those who have grown up feeling emotionally unsafe, unseen, or uncertain, the notion of letting go can feel less like freedom and more like a threat. It can seem like a failure and a setup for another crash.
Over the past four weeks, I’ve had the privilege of moderating several book discussions on The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. The book has received great acclaim for its empowering message: stop controlling, start releasing, and let people be who they are.
However, during each session, a familiar theme emerged.
Letting go sounds powerful in theory, but in practice, it can often feel impossible for many. Participants shared their internal struggles:
“Why can they do it, and I can’t?”
“I know I should let go, so why does it make me feel worse?”
“Am I doing something wrong?”
My response was straightforward:
Everyone can let go, but not everyone can do so right now.
Letting go of control requires something many of us lack: internal safety. It's not just about willpower; it's about our wiring, the wiring of our nervous system.
I’ve always known this, but those conversations deepened my understanding of why letting go is so tricky, especially for those whose nervous systems have adapted to survive by holding on tightly.
My theory is that letting go feels impossible because our systems have assessed the risks and responded the only way they knew how, by exerting control. As a result, we grip tightly. Until we feel safe emotionally, physically, and relationally, letting go doesn’t feel like freedom; it feels like vulnerability and exposure.
When control feels safer than surrender
Control is not a personality flaw; it’s a survival strategy.
When someone hasn’t consistently felt safe in their body, home, or relationships, they may cling to anything that offers a sense of predictability, even when that control starts to cost them peace.
What’s often overlooked is that a lack of safety doesn’t always come from dramatic or chaotic trauma. Sometimes, it stems from experiences that are more subtle and socially accepted.
Growing up feeling:
Unseen or unheard
Unimportant or in the way
Like love had to be earned
Like you were “too much” or “not enough,” depending on the day
These experiences may seem benign, but they send powerful signals to a child’s developing nervous system: connection isn’t reliable, and belonging isn’t guaranteed.
Because we are wired for connection, this disconnection becomes a threat.
Psychologist Abraham Maslow illustrated this in his Hierarchy of Needs, showing that safety and belonging are foundational aspects of human well-being just above physiological needs like food, water, and shelter. In other words, before we can pursue confidence, creativity, or self-actualization, we must first feel safe and have a sense of belonging.
Do I matter here?
Am I safe to be myself?
Can I trust the people around me?
When those questions are met with uncertainty, the nervous system adapts: it scans for danger, people-pleases, performs, over-functions, or shuts down. This is where the need for control begins.
Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly: "We are hardwired to connect with others; it's what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it, there is suffering."
Letting go challenges both our minds and our bodies. It triggers an ancient, instinctive fear: the fear of losing connection, of being on the outside, and of being alone.
The deeper fear: “I’ll end up alone.”
Underneath the need to control is often a much deeper fear:
If I let go, I’ll lose connection.
If I lose connection, I’ll be alone. And if I’m alone. I won’t survive.
This may sound extreme, but it’s biologically accurate. Our ancestors survived by living in tribes and communities. To be excluded was to be endangered.
This wiring is still alive in us. So when we consider letting go of a role, an identity, or a pattern that keeps us “in,” it can trigger a deep alarm: If I’m not needed, I won’t be included, and if I’m not included, I won’t be safe.
This is why letting go doesn’t always feel like power; it can feel like abandonment, not by others but by yourself.
Assess, address, adapt: A modified approach to letting go
Letting go begins not with a leap but with awareness. We need to understand why we're holding on so tightly.
Assess: Where are you gripping? What are you trying to prevent or protect?
Address: What fears lie beneath this grip? What does that part of you believe will happen if you allow yourself to let go?
Adapt: With greater understanding and support for your nervous system, what new patterns can you create, ones that feel less like a struggle for survival and more like a felt sense of safety?
When we recognize that the need for control is a natural adaptation, we can stop judging ourselves for holding on and begin to learn, gently, how to let go.
Reflection: The “if/then spiral”
Here’s a journaling exercise to uncover what control is protecting you from: Start with a situation you’re afraid to release, then follow this prompt:
If I let go of this, then (They might get upset
If that happens, then (They might pull away)
If they pull away, then (I’ll feel rejected)
If I feel rejected, then (I’ll believe I’m unworthy)
If I’m unworthy, then (I’ll end up alone)
And if I’m alone (It won’t be safe)
Take a breath. You’ve just met a part of you (we will call this “the controlling part”) that’s been trying to protect you all along.
Letting go begins with awareness. Then compassion. Then choice.
Letting go is a return to self
Letting go is not a single action; it’s a layered, embodied practice. An ongoing process of unlearning the belief that safety only comes from being in control.
This journey isn’t about becoming passive. It’s about becoming anchored in yourself. Step by step.
Breath by breath.
You gradually ease your grip and start anew.
True safety doesn’t stem from controlling your surroundings. It arises from trusting what’s within.
Read more from Stacey Uhrig
Stacey Uhrig, Trauma Care Practitioner (CTCP, C-Hyp, RTT-P)
Stacey Uhrig is a Certified Trauma Care Practitioner, Rapid Transformational Therapy Practitioner, speaker, and host of the Flip Your Mindset podcast. She specializes in helping individuals heal unresolved childhood and developmental trauma, equipping clients with tools to reframe their narratives and build resilience, self-confidence, and authentic connections. Using modalities like Hypnosis, Parts Work, and Polyvagal Theory, Stacey empowers clients to find clarity, peace, and purpose in their healing journey. As an adoptive mother to two, she also advocates for trauma-informed parenting and creating nurturing environments for personal growth.
