Written by: Assunta Cucca, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
‘You know, mummy – they call me the artist at school!’
I look at my son’s big eyes dropping into a proud smile.
‘I just practice so much, mummy’ – he adds.
Phew, I let go a sigh of relief – he values his continuous practice and knows that talents, if they exist, need to be nurtured. My husband and I value practice, we value learning and try and embrace change as an opportunity to grow. We are great fans of Carol Dweck and all her work around growth and fixed mindsets. She’s a pioneer of the research around motivation and why some people fail, and others succeed.
Of course, despite being so careful and watching out for judgement and labels, it’s not always that straightforward. We, as human beings, love labels.
We need labels to understand the world. And sometimes labels are just what they are. A simplistic way of categorising the world. Our brain needs to process things in front of us in some ways, so we create assumptions, we give names, we compare things against our values.
Despite labelling being a very human thing to do, it can influence our identities, in positive and negative ways. Based on the labelling theory, mainly popularised by the sociologist Becker in 1963, human beings’ behaviour is greatly influenced by the way other members of the society label them. This theory has been applied to explain a number of social behaviours, including crimes. Practically speaking, based on this theory, individuals who are labelled as criminals by society, are more likely to commit crimes. In reverse, by this same theory, positive labels influence how individuals engage in positive behaviours. Of course, this theory has been greatly questioned and often considered controversial, as labels can also be based on accurate predictions and human beings are not only passively accepting labels. Yet, it’s astonishing how our identities are moulded by the people and experiences we have.
We give great power to our surrounding.
Sometimes (should I say often?), we identify with those labels that people have attached to us and we try and fulfil those expectations, even though perhaps they don’t fit us anymore! Imagine if you were still that toddler or high schooler who was labelled on a certain way…My goodness, clearly things have changed, but sometimes labels travel and grow with us. They become our self-fulfilling-prophecy!
‘Ah he’s a defiant child. Ah she doesn’t like math. You see, I will never be rich. Ah, he can’t kick a ball etc etc’.
What can labels do to us? Often, they have a massive negative impact on ourselves and the network we have created around us. When we label people – especially when we say that out loud – we risk to limit the possibility for that person to actually change. We potentially limit their freedom to be themselves. Furthermore, we limit our curiosity and openness to the world: we have already decided that that person is in that category, and we do that to clarify we are different.
Often but not always, labels are incorrect. They might assume things to be true, without any proof.
Brené Brown, an American professor and researcher on shame and vulnerability, talks about the need to introduce ‘perspective taking’, which means trying to see the world as others see it. As Brené Brown says, our need to judge or label others comes from our need to confirm our values, our beliefs or skills. We are trying to compare what is important to us with who we have in front of us. So, we label. We judge. On top of this, the judgment of others makes us feel bad and ashamed, so we judge back – says Brené.
It really is hard not to judge; as coaches we are trained to not do that, but it still does require a great amount of self-awareness.
After having talked to hundreds of leaders, I am really convinced that being not judgemental is a fine leadership skill.
Think about when you have uncomfortable conversations in your team. Now, imagine you consider a member of your team as ‘difficult’. Right there you are labelling that person and perhaps not helping their growth. In fact, instead of taking responsibility for the assumption you have generated, you encourage them to fulfil the expectations we have of them, and we make our lives difficult too!
A more useful way to approach the situation could be taking ownership of our assumptions: "I find this behaviour challenging. Some of my assumptions might be correct but it does not mean that the entire person is difficult."
So, I would encourage you to practice awareness of the language you use when it comes to categorise your network or yourself. Think about it in a context of leadership or in parenting, relationship, and general life. Are you taking ownership for how you see the world? What words specifically do you use? What are you scared of (being)?
Instead, focus on developing (your and the people’s you lead) strengths, accepting differences, remembering that things and people change. Your or people’s past, does not always determine who you are.
Of course, labels are not always bad, don’t get me wrong. Sometimes they are generous and positive labels which are part of our identity or what we are known for. We liked those, we want to preserve those – for example, being honest or kind. But even here …are we still those things? Do we question our positive labels? And if they still fit us, can we remember why? What has been the path to identify us with those labels?
Dr Carol Dweck talks about the gift of a growth mindset, when we believe things are product of effort and learning, as opposed to a fixed mindset, where we believe things are innate and unchangeable. Interestingly, she also suggests thinking about our heroes: think about their abilities. Have they worked hard to get there? Do you really think there was little effort? Go and find out the truth. Often, if you embrace a growth mindset – you will see people who have worked hard at developing their skills, a source of inspiration. You will be inspired to do the same, rather than sitting red in a corner ruminating on things that you cannot do.
We have the ability to shape our lives, if we believe things can change. Neuroscience backs us here too: our brains are plastic, not rigid. They change overtime, even during adulthood, creating new pathways.
I am going to leave you with a little exercise:
write down all the labels that you feel you have been given or you are holding onto. If you need some help, you could also involve friends and family and ask for their take
go through them one by one and ask yourself: am I still this? Do I want to keep this label? Is this label limiting my mind? Where would I be if I didn’t have this label? Am I still acting in a way that might fulfil others’ expectations but not mine?
then, when you discover labels that are no longer yours, create your own goodbye mantra: eg. ‘this label might have served me or was attributed to me in the past, but is no longer of use.’
Often, you will feel a great sense of liberation in knowing that you don’t need to satisfy anyone’s expectations anymore and also you can revisit what expectations of yourself are moving you forward and what are holding you back.
Here to a more self-aware and open self.
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Assunta Cucca, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Assunta Cucca is a transformational coach and founder of Kokoro Consultancy, whose mission is to help people thrive in business and life, by bringing back more humanity into their lives and workplaces. In the past, she successfully led people and programmes to shape corporate cultures and encourage innovation in organisations such as lastminute.com, Tesco, Photobox and Moonpig, but she knows how challenging it is to navigate the corporate world … Previously a competitive TaeKwonDo athlete, Assunta brings to companies a holistic approach, keeping ‘mind, heart and body’ connected, believing that we can’t exclude the role that healthy bodies and clear minds play at work. She guides and understands the minds of high achievers and the role that perseverance and resilience have in one’s career and life. It all starts from our kokoro (heart/mind in Japanese)...
