Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years' experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Twin parents understandably want their twins to have the same start in life. They want to ensure both children have the same opportunities to enjoy, participate, experiment, experience, learn, and thrive. That makes sense. Keeping things fair and equal satisfies parents’ need to ensure no one is favored, no one misses out, and no one gets the short end of the stick. But there is a catch.
Why do we like things fair and equal?
Human beings have an innate sense of social justice. They cringe at the sight of injustice and strive to act to ensure justice is maintained and restored whenever possible. When we see something we deem “unfair,” we want to act upon it, point it out, call out the culprit, and, if possible, offer a solution.
No one likes to be the victim of injustice, and so twin parents often find themselves appointed as the law in their homes, the eternal referees. They may interject at the slightest sign of unfairness or injustice to ensure both children are given the same at any given time: the same type of food, the same quantity of juice, the same toy, the same number of turns, the same number of kisses, etc.
This plays on two fronts: maintaining fairness and equality so the twins don’t feel left out and addressing parental guilt, which may arise when things aren’t fair and equal. Twin parents carry a lot of guilt when they can’t meet both twins’ needs at the same time or when they can’t split themselves in two to be there for both children when needed. Keeping the score fair and equal helps mitigate this guilt to some extent and provides a minimal sense of control over an otherwise out-of-control reality.
Every twin parent has an innate desire to intervene when one twin calls out to announce that injustice has taken place when their twin won’t share, won’t give something back, won’t give them a turn, etc. The parent feels compelled to interject, solve the issue, and restore peace.
What we teach twins with fair and equal
When we always give twins the same, the message is essentially: you are the same. They learn they need or should want the same for everything. They don’t learn what they personally need or want, but rather that if they have the same, then things are right. They may internalise that if their twin gets something, they are entitled to have it too. Or that if they get something, they are obligated to give some to their twin. These habitual occurrences can start to blur the lines between the twins’ emotional and psychological boundaries. They do not necessarily pay attention to what is happening for them but to what is happening to them in relation to someone else.
It’s hard enough for toddlers, who are in a self-centered developmental stage and want everything for themselves and are still learning how to share and the concept of social skills. It’s much harder for twin toddlers, who have been conditioned to receive and give based on what their co-twin is getting or having.
When we teach twins that whenever something happens for one, the same should and will happen for the other, their expectations from life will reflect that. They will want the same to happen on the playground, with their friends, with their extended family, at preschool, and later in school. The conditioning is very strong when that is the message they receive on a daily basis at home. They will also apply the same to themselves when it’s only the two of them. The expectation is that if it’s not fair and equal, I am being mistreated.
The pitfalls of fair and equality with twins
3 main problems arise from the need to keep things fair and equal:
1. It is not sustainable
As Dr Joan A. Friedman pointed out, “Life isn’t fair, and twins aren’t equal”. Life isn’t always going to provide fair opportunities for your twins. There aren’t going to be two of everything wherever they go. Twins who learn to expect that will have a hard time dealing with life’s disappointments. This means more tantrums when things aren’t fair and limited emotional skills to deal with the heartaches when they can’t have what their twin is having. It’s important to help children prepare for life’s ups and downs. These skills are cultivated over time as we support children in developing socio-emotional competencies. We teach them how to deal with difficult situations, what they can do to seek support, what they can do when life gets hard, and how to develop strategies to navigate complex social and emotional situations.
When twins always expect things to be fair and equal, they aren't learning important life skills such as dealing with disappointments, managing strong feelings, and self-regulation.
2. Twins aren’t equal
No two persons are exactly alike. Every person has their own unique qualities, attributes, likes and dislikes. When we treat twins as equal, we can’t see past the twinship. We aren’t seeing who each of them is. Treating them the same by giving them exactly the same of everything is sending a message that sameness is valued, that their being the same is better or preferable than their being different. It also makes it harder for them to see their differences in a positive light. They might then accentuate their similarities, striving to present themselves as identical or as similar as possible.
This can be particularly problematic as twins who struggle to form a strong sense of identity and self-esteem tend to develop a strong co-dependent relationship. They are then more likely to foster a strong twinship but forgo personal hobbies, interests, and relationships, both romantic and platonic.
When twins are always given the same of everything, the familial message is that that’s the best way or will always try to be this way. Twins may then lose connection with their inner voice, which tells them what they want, like,e and dislike. They might pay more attention to what their twin wants and has than attend to their own needs and desires.
3. Parents as the eternal referees
Many twin parents report, especially in the toddlerhood years, that their twins struggle to get along. They constantly fight, and the parents have to interfere and solve their fights all the time.
This is a very common outcome of trying to keep things fair and equal. When twins rely on the adults around them to interfere and get their toy back, make their twin share, and solve all their arguments, the children never get the opportunity to learn how to do this on their own.
If you jump in at the first sign of struggle, your twins will learn that all they need to do to get their way is whine, call for help, or tell on their co-twin. That’s because we have nurtured this behaviour with continuous interventions whenever they couldn't manage the situation on their own.
If your twins expect things to be fair and equal, and you are the one who ensures things stay this way, then there’s little wonder that they learn to depend on you to make things right.
What to do instead of fair and equal?
There are 3 things we can do to help change the “fair and equal” discourse:
1. Treat your twins as two different people (because they are)
When we foster the twins’ separate identities, allow for time apart, and don’t offer two of the same all the time, twins don’t learn to expect this. They learn that they get what they need, and their twin will get what they need. There are no strings attached between what one has and what the other has.
If you give them two different things to choose from, that will also change their perception that when two things are offered, they aren’t necessarily two of the same. They can choose based on what they want, not based on how their thing looks compared to their twin’s.
2. Opportunities to deal with difficult situations
Life will present challenges at times. It’s part of being alive. How we help children navigate life’s challenges will nurture them to grow into capable, resourceful, and well-rounded people who can face difficult situations.
So when one twin is disappointed because they can't have the same as their co-twin, instead of giving them the same, or apologising for not being able to give them the same, offer emotional support. Hold space for their strong feelings, listen to their pain, and offer a hug and sympathy. Tell them they might get a chance next time or that you two can do something else. Help them learn that life isn't always fair and that their feelings about this are valid. Offer calming activities to help you face difficult situations, such as breathing exercises, drawing, reading a book, and squeezing a cushion or a soft toy. When we offer alternatives to face challenges and a way to channel pant-up energy (not distracting them from the difficult situation), they will learn how to do this on their own over time.
3. Help twins problem-solve their issues
When things get heated up and the twins become loud and or violent, interfering can take many shapes. I advocate for children to solve their own issues with gentle guidance and attention to limits (such as physical aggression).
Children are allowed to get loud when they are upset. Expressing emotions is important and healthy. I wholeheartedly believe that all emotions are valid, yet not all behaviour is accepted. And helping children learn this distinction is very empowering.
When children know that they can feel all their emotions and that the space around them is safe and nurturing, they don’t build up. Instead, they express their anger, sadness, and frustration. They don’t suppress their feelings, which leads to physical explosions or hitting and providing children with a safe space to channel all that is how they can learn to co-regulate and later self-regulate. It is important to help them do that in the face of conflict, especially with their co-twin, who is often in their space and is the cause of their anger.
So when twins begin to shout and fight over a toy/ space/ attention/ turn, etc., I stop before I step in (again, unless physical threats begin to show, then I ensure to block the blows). I instead remain where I am or get closer to the scene. I try to remain calm and refrain from making any calls about who needs to do what. This can be a bit hard at the beginning, especially if you are in the habit of a quick solution to reduce the volume and the tears. The children will look at me, and depending on their verbal skills, indicate that something is wrong. I will narrate the scene as I see it, noting that they both want the same thing. I will reflect on their feelings (one might be upset about losing their object, and one might not feel like sharing at this moment). Both sides have valid feelings.
The teachings of Magda Gerber point out that it is not up to us to decide who gets what: who is right, who deserves a turn, or who ought to give back. Furthermore, children let go of grudges a lot faster than adults. So, while we might feel “bad” for one child, once the reap in the friendship is mended, they soon forget about their hurt feelings and resume play. Either together or apart.
I will then comfort the child who didn’t get their way and will reflect their feelings to their co-twin. I will let them know that their same-age sibling is upset because of x, y, or z and that they would want a turn later.
These repeated interactions help twins acquire the social and emotional skills needed to eventually navigate these situations on their own. They might still revert to elevated feelings and some shouting when conflict arises, yet they will learn to negotiate, express their feelings, suggest solutions, and collaborate through their differences.
You will then be excused from your referee title and would probably be amazed to see the problem-solving and negotiation skills taking place in your home.
Things might not be fair and equal. Yet your twins will learn they each get what they need, not the same because they don’t have the same needs. They will be more resilient and learn how to face challenges and disappointments and ask for help instead of expecting life to always provide them with double everything.
You can read more about supporting your twins’ well-being and sense of identity in my Twins’ Blog.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
