Written by: Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Inconsistent responsiveness is the behavior of responding in ways that alternate from responsiveness to non-responsiveness, involving taking a very long time to respond. Learn how this behavior is hurting your relationships and discover 5 powerful tips to shift it into consistent responsiveness for deeper connections.
Did you ever meet anyone that takes forever to respond to your text messages? Or maybe someone that seems to engage for a little while and then, suddenly, disappears for a long time or never gets back to you again (sometimes called “ghosting”?) These are all traits of inconsistent responsiveness, a characteristic very typical of avoidantly-attached individuals. Inconsistent responsiveness is the behavior of responding in ways that alternate from responsiveness to non-responsiveness sometimes involving taking a very long time to respond. This behavior serves a couple of functions, such as:
Reducing the other side’s expectations: If the avoidant individual responds in an inconsistent manner, the other side will not expect much from him, allowing him to avoid the suffocation represented by having to meet others’ expectations.
Preventing the conflict of having to cut the other side off: If the avoidant person is not engaging too much, he or she won’t need to go through the guilt and discomfort of telling the other party that they need to stop the conversation as the other person will probably also not engage.
Keeping others disconnected from what’s going on in the avoidant’s life: This reduces the judgment that there might be from anyone else and the pain that could be inflicted by such judgments, can also reduce uncomfortable questions, and gives them the so desired privacy level they seek that gives them a certain sense of security.
Reducing overwhelm by having to respond to too many people: Another big factor here is the anxiety and overwhelm that can be felt when having to respond to others. This is especially true today as our smart devices have so many chat applications that can get cluttered with groups and messages from so many people.
As you can imagine, the main reasons for this behavior usually arise from childhood, typically from inconsistent parenting. In some cases, this was a behavior modeled by children after their parents, as they themselves were inconsistent in their responsiveness to their children. In other cases, the inconsistency by the parents may have confused the child, who may have interpreted it as not deserving the full attention of the parents and not being loveable enough. As the infant learned that he could not rely on the responsiveness and sensitive attention of the parents, he may develop the coping mechanism of withdrawing so as not to be hurt by the parent’s behavior. In situations where parents were very strict, judgmental, controlling, or over-protecting, children raised under these circumstances may also develop the pattern of just sharing a little or creating big gaps between interactions to keep some control back to themselves. This is because the less you open up, the less exposed you are as you give others less material to judge or control you, and thus the lower the chances of being hurt.
So, although this has the benefit of avoiding a lot of uncomfortable emotions and provides a certain degree of safety and control, the greater cost is the disconnection that’s created with others as a result of the unreliability that is perceived by them. Another cost is the loneliness that one may end up feeling by isolating oneself in this manner.
Consistent responsiveness, on the other hand, occurs in childhood when parents are sensitive to the physical and emotional needs of the child. They understand their child’s developmental stages and respond quickly and appropriately to their children. This shows the kid that he or she is important, increasing confidence and basic trust. When these children grow up, they themselves display more consistent responsiveness because of a strong foundation built since childhood.
Some tips to start shifting this behavior into more consistent responsiveness are:
Schedule a time to respond to others: You can allocate one hour a week, for example, where you sit down and respond to messages.
Reduce the time between your interactions: There are reasonable times to get back to others. Don’t push yourself to respond immediately if you don’t want to, but don’t allow the wait to drag on forever either. As you learn to schedule some time for your pending conversations, this will naturally be taken care of.
Practice opening up a little at a time: The more you open up, the more the chances of healthy emotional connection that you can create with others by allowing them to be part of your life. This will also encourage others to open up to you.
Pay attention not just to the quantity but also the quality of your interactions: Short conversations with many people won’t achieve the depth and connection that is possible when you share more of yourself and show genuine interest in others. Small talk can be a bridge to such conversations, so don’t dismiss it altogether! But don’t let all your conversations be limited to only small talk either!
Let go of the fear of expectations: It may be that you feel pressure to respond to others immediately and that this is driving you to avoid having many social connections, including deeper ones. As you don’t want to feel this urge to respond, you may end up postponing interactions or avoiding them altogether. Observe, feel, and relax into your discomfort as that fear comes in the moment, then take it by the hand and make a conscious decision. It can help you to ask yourself: does it really make sense to postpone this response or interaction? what’s the worst that can happen if I respond now? Perhaps you will find out that you can really respond later and it is ok, but observe when you do this artificially just as a way to avoid something and consider your options.
The more you can practice consistent responsiveness, the better your connections and relationships will be. This skill can also allow you to develop a stronger secure attachment. Practice and you will definitely see some improvements in this area!
You can discover more about my work by visiting my website. If you are interested in working to improve your relationships, shift your attachment style int a secure one, overcome your fear of commitment or simply to create a lighter life with more peace and wellbeing, I invite you to apply for coaching here and let me know more about your situation so that we can explore how I may be of help to you. I further invite you to subscribe to my newsletter by filling out the form on my website following this link. By subscribing you will receive my Free Gift where I provide 3 tips to overcome fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. You will also get updates from me occasionally including articles and videos about this topic.
Until next time!
Javier Peñalba, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Javier Peñalba is an ICF certified life coach helping people with fear of commitment to create fulfilling relationships. Having dealt with anxiety for decades since the young age of 6 after the sudden suicide of his father some meters away from him, Javier has worked on a long journey of self-discovery, where he uncovered symptoms of commitment phobia, relationship OCD and anxiety. In particular, he could not stay in any intimate relationship for more than a few months without running away from it. Having dedicated the last years of his life to understand and overcome this issue, Javier is now happily married and is providing seminars and life coaching services to help people suffering fear of commitment.
