Dr. Sandra E. Cohen is a psychoanalyst and trauma-informed psychotherapist. For over 40 years, she has specialized in the treatment of childhood trauma and its aftereffects. Speaker. Author. Educator.
Love requires trust. If you were one of the many children who experienced childhood sexual abuse, it means you were betrayed by someone you needed to trust. That leaves you with many questions: “What is love? Am I loveable? What do I have to do to be loved?” I emphasize “have to do.” If you were molested as a child, you “had to.” You didn’t have a choice. When you’re little, scared, and dependent, you can’t say, “No.”
Not being able to trust makes love relationships extremely difficult. If you don’t believe your needs will be heard or wanted, it’s even harder. And if you also live with shame, it can feel impossible to open up. Love has scared or hurt you too many times. You ask yourself, Is there a way out?
You need help. But either you’ve been too ashamed to seek it, unsure of whom to trust, or past psychotherapy has failed you too. You try to adapt to your life but long to be happier. You’d like to have love. Or, if you do, you want to feel safer and more open in that relationship.
The most common aftereffects of childhood sexual trauma are:
Am I loveable?
Choosing the wrong relationships
Shame
Never feeling good enough
Over-giving
Staying distant and keeping your walls up
Fear of intimacy
Let’s take them one by one to see what fits for you.
Am I loveable?
Childhood sexual abuse leaves you with confusing feelings. You may be quite certain (or were, even when it was happening) that something wasn’t right. But somehow, you’re left with the haunting belief that it was your fault, or that you aren’t “good” or loveable because of it.
The question “Am I loveable?” is one of the deepest scars left by childhood sexual abuse. This question interferes with feeling safe in a loving relationship. You look for signs that you’re not loved.
You misinterpret the actions or behaviors of someone you’re dating. You feel you’ve been dropped if they don’t text you back right away, or that you did or said something wrong.
Or you’re in a long-term relationship but are hypervigilant about whether or not you are heard, listened to, or if your needs are seen and taken seriously. It’s easy to be convinced they aren’t. Differences between you, those that exist in any couple, are interpreted as a lack of concern for you.
When the feeling that you aren’t loved takes over:
You’re tormented. In a panic. Desperate to prove this isn’t so. Or you close up and say nothing.
There’s nothing that reassures you. You’re too convinced of what you believe, that you aren’t loveable or loved. Or you’ve unconsciously chosen someone who, once again, can’t love you the way you need.
Repeating or choosing the same relationships you had as a child is a common aftereffect of abuse.
Choosing wrong (abusive) relationships
Have you tended to choose the wrong relationships? Finding yourself in the “same” relationships you had as a child isn’t a conscious choice. You probably don’t see it, or it takes a long time to recognize.
Being mistreated or ending up with narcissistic people who prioritize their needs over yours is exactly what happened to you as a child. Molesters are only concerned with themselves.
Narcissists are charmers. They often “love bomb” you, making you feel special and loved. When you believe you’re intrinsically unlovable or doubt whether you’ll receive love, this is enticing.
Of course, you’re hungry for love. You’re drawn in, and then you start to notice changes. Your partner becomes more distant, less complimentary, more controlling, and critical. Suddenly, it’s “all your fault.”
When you live with the belief that your sexual abuse might have been your “fault,” you're vulnerable. You can easily be gaslit into believing there is something wrong with you.
It’s not your fault. There are reasons why.
When you’ve been sexually abused, it’s common to choose the wrong relationships. You want love but don’t expect it. You try to be happy with anything you get, even merely crumbs.
You’re used to being mistreated, neglected, putting your needs aside, and giving more than you get. With the kind of self-doubt you feel, you “take it.” You aren’t surprised if you don’t get much back.
It’s not unexpected if you find yourself with someone unreliable, someone you can’t count on. It’s so familiar. You try hard to give enough, be good enough, but you’re never sure whether you’re the one who’s done something wrong. You feel alone and probably wonder, Do I need too much?
You have a lot of shame and self-doubt about your needs anyway, and you suffer because of that.
Shame after childhood sexual abuse
Shame has probably followed you into every aspect of your life. And that shame continues if the effects of your sexual abuse haven’t been treated. Shame does affect your relationships.
You never know if you can safely open up to anyone. You’re afraid you’ll be humiliated. You wonder how people see you, and you’re sure you’re being judged. You try hard to do your best.
But you live with a judgmental voice inside your head. That voice is the voice of abusive, critical people from your childhood. It now lives inside you, watching and blaming you for everything.
It might call you names, like “stupid.” It makes you feel like you’ve done something wrong, which makes it hard to be in an intimate relationship. Even if you haven’t chosen someone who humiliates you, you feel ashamed if you open up and say what you feel.
You expect judgment and keep quiet. You live believing there’s something wrong with you, and you can’t imagine that isn’t true. This belief interferes with love.
And your shame lives so deeply inside you that you don’t think you could ever feel differently, or that anyone you admire, respect, or think is good could want you. You never feel good enough. Ever.
Never feeling good enough
If you never feel good enough, it’s even harder to identify someone who might be good for you, or to let them see who you are at your core. You’re convinced they wouldn’t like what they find.
It makes you more vulnerable and scared if you believe you’ll be rejected for your real self. So you keep it hidden away, along with your feelings and needs. You try to be who they want.
The critical voice inside you tells you to.
That critical voice finds fault with everything you do. You’re very self-critical, and it’s hard not to imagine that everyone else thinks the same. You watch out for judgment and rejection all the time.
These feelings are at the heart of your fears and anxieties about relationships. And they began with the experience of sexual abuse, along with any other neglect, criticism, or abuse you suffered.
Now, these feelings are lived out mostly in how you see yourself and whether anyone loves you, or can. You wonder: How much do you have to give to be loved? Or to get anything at all?
Over-giving & expecting little
Do you never feel like you give enough? Do you over-give because you believe that’s what’s expected? Do you do whatever is asked of you? These are consequences of childhood sexual abuse.
You ask for little in return; you’re used to it.
Being abused meant you were expected to give what no child should. You’ve been left believing that being the giver, always giving more, is the only way to receive even the smallest amount of “love.”
Maybe that was the only way you got any attention when you were little. You’re at a loss about what love is. Likely, you lived an emotionally deprived life as a child. Maybe you were quite neglected. The whole thing, giving and what you can reasonably want in return, is confusing.
Being needed at least gives you some sense of value. Maybe you won’t be left or yelled at. You expect almost nothing. Asking for something is out of the question. You’re sure you won’t get it.
And if you get even a little, you think it should be enough. Of course, it’s not. And when you give and give, you build resentment because you’re deprived of the love and acceptance you need.
The only other option is closing down. Out of disappointment, you stay away from relationships. You don’t want to take the risk of being hurt. And anyway, you already have some walls up.
Staying distant & keeping your walls up
You’ve watched to see who can be trusted and if anyone will offer anything that feels like genuine care or concern. When that doesn’t seem to happen, you can’t believe it ever will.
So you keep your distance, shut down, and can’t get close. This is most often to protect yourself from being hurt or taken advantage of. You need to fend off any potential intrusions and can’t relax with anyone, in your marriage, committed relationship, or on a date. It’s a hard way to live.
Or maybe you run away or isolate yourself before you can get close, and you’re alone. You don’t want to be, but you tell yourself it’s the only way. You believe you will be hurt or abandoned.
Your relationships stay superficial. You choose distant relationships because they suit you. This lets you feel like you have someone, but there’s little risk. And in some ways, you’re in control. Needing that kind of control is understandable when the effects of sexual abuse go untreated.
None of these ways of being satisfies your deeper need for love. And even when you have love, you hold back, and your relationship doesn’t give you the comfort or pleasure you need.
Opening up to love is scary after childhood sexual abuse.
Problems with intimacy
Sexual and emotional intimacy can bring back memories or feelings of your early molestation. When this happens, it’s hard to let go. Closeness makes you feel like you’re with a molester.
Sometimes, the memories of abuse aren’t even conscious. But you know that you often don’t like being touched or intimate. You want to enjoy it, but you don’t. Or you’ve shut down your desire.
You feel like you’re giving in to the demands or needs of your partner. You go through the motions, but you feel anxious and uncomfortable. You can’t feel desire. Pleasure is confusing.
Your needs weren’t important as a child. Can they be now? Can you let them be?
Love is something a child should be able to trust. Your sexual abuse severely hurt you and broke your trust. When there is someone you think you might trust now, you doubt it. Sometimes, even though you’re with someone you’ve learned you can trust, you still don’t feel safe. Why?
The sexually abused child still lives inside you. That traumatized child self who doesn’t trust love is the one who needs help to work through these effects. Your abuse interferes with a lot of things. Things like:
Being able to feel your needs and desires
Turning to the one who loves you when you need emotional support
Plus, it’s not just emotional closeness that’s a problem.
Untreated sexual abuse makes it difficult to enjoy the deep sexual intimacy that is a part of any loving relationship. You sometimes ask yourself if there’s any hope. There is.
There is hope
The best option for resolving the effects of childhood sexual abuse on love relationships is psychotherapy with a specialist in treating survivors of sexual abuse, someone who understands.
You can do more than merely “survive”; you can learn to trust, open up, and enjoy all that a love relationship can bring. And if you haven’t found “good” love yet, you can learn to choose right.
Unconsciously choosing “wrong” relationships, shame, distrust, never feeling good enough, intimacy problems, and hopelessness about having what you want and need do not have to take over your life if you get help for these aftereffects of childhood sexual abuse.
You don’t have to be alone with secrets, feeling that no one is there or has understood.
Psychotherapy is the best option. It can and should offer you a safe place where you have someone who listens, a place where you can “speak out” about your anger, hurt, and fears.
All you have to do (I know it’s not easy) is take a calculated risk with someone experienced enough to help you. What you can do in therapy will transfer into life, friendships, and love.
Find a therapist you feel you can trust. You don’t have to suffer the effects of unsatisfying relationships, fears, distrust, or problems with intimacy as a result of childhood molestation.
Don’t give up hope.
If you’ve experienced childhood trauma, including sexual abuse, and live in either California or Florida, email me here to book a 25-minute complimentary Zoom consultation to see how I can help you.
Read more from Sandra E Cohen, Ph.D.
Sandra E Cohen, Ph.D., Psychologist & Psychoanalyst
Dr. Sandra Cohen is a psychologist and psychoanalyst specializing in childhood trauma and writing about its aftereffects. Some of those consequences include feelings of unlovability, distrust of love, and problems in love relationships. For over 40 years, she’s worked with patients who suffered sexual and physical abuse, emotional abuse, and severe neglect in childhood. She has devoted her career to helping people heal. Dr. Cohen’s writing is dedicated to offering helpful information to a wider audience of those who still suffer.
