Written by Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of the book Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. She helps post-divorce women over 40 figure out what comes next, guiding them to create a meaningful new chapter in their lives.
Do you find yourself ruminating on that one tiny mistake, unable to appreciate everything else that went as planned? If so, you might be struggling with perfectionism. While it’s often seen as a path to success, perfectionism can trap you in patterns that undermine your well-being and leave you feeling stuck and unfulfilled. It’s time to acknowledge how perfectionism may harm you more than good and break free from its grip.
Are you a perfectionist?
Do you know that feeling when you’ve double-checked and triple-checked but still can’t seem to let it go? It’s that you need to make sure everything is just right: the email with the exact wording, the home that is always kept spotless, or even styling your hair to perfection every time you leave the house. You’re likely the one people rely on, the go-to for getting things done right. It feels good to excel, to see your efforts pay off, and to view yourself as someone who doesn’t settle for less than the best.
But inside of you, a different story unfolds. Your effort is never quite enough. You catch yourself redoing tasks because “great” doesn’t feel "flawless.” That little voice whispers, “You should’ve done better,” or “What will they think?” The drive that once pushed you forward starts feeling heavy. It’s exhausting to keep up with the image of having it all together, and sometimes, you wish you could just relax without feeling guilty.
Is your perfectionism unhealthy?
Perfectionism is characterized by setting high standards and striving for excellence, whether those standards come from within or reflect what you think others expect.
When perfectionism is healthy, these standards are both high and realistic, driven by a desire to learn, improve, and pursue meaningful goals. Mistakes are seen as valuable learning opportunities. Those with healthy perfectionism can thrive while doing what they do best and dial back their perfectionist tendencies as needed, without distress.
On the other hand, unhealthy perfectionism sets standards that are impossible to reach. What does "perfect" even look like, and how will you know when you’ve reached it? The bar keeps moving, leaving you in an exhausting chase for something that never quite materializes, so your mind and body can never truly rest or feel safe.
Instead of positive motivation, unhealthy perfectionism is fueled by fear, shame, and the belief that anything less than perfect is unacceptable. It’s marked by harsh self-criticism, fear of failure, and an anxious preoccupation with avoiding mistakes. This often becomes a coping mechanism to feel in control "If I do this perfectly, nobody will judge me." This mindset spills into all areas of life, leading to constant comparison, envy, and disappointment in others who don't meet the same high standards.
When your actions stem from fear and a need to control how others see you, the constant vigilance takes a toll. Trying to maintain an image of perfection can drain you emotionally and mentally, leading to chronic stress, anxiety, burnout, and even depression, distancing you from your true self. All-or-nothing thinking is often tied to perfectionism, viewing every effort as a complete success or failure, which can prevent you from taking risks or trying new things. You may procrastinate on projects, fearing they won’t turn out perfectly, or avoid opportunities that push you outside your comfort zone. Mistakes become proof of inadequacy rather than growth, adding up to self-imposed pressure that holds you back and limits your ability to savor your successes and experience true joy and fulfillment.
Unhealthy perfectionism can also disconnect you from your authenticity, causing you to focus more on meeting perceived expectations and seeking validation than honoring your true feelings, desires, and values. I experienced this first-hand while writing Brave Wise Woman. Draft after draft, my inner critic insisted my story wasn’t “right.” What began as a desire to produce my best work morphed into a paralyzing fear of judgment, dimming my voice and stifling my creativity. The anxiety affected my productivity, delayed the editing process, and contributed to chronic insomnia.
The mind-body connection
The stress of perfectionism is a full-body experience. Since unhealthy perfectionism is typically rooted in fear, it activates the threat response in your nervous system. Perfectionism is associated with the flight response and is experienced as an anxious urge to avoid situations where you might fail, face criticism, or ultimately be rejected. This constant state of alertness keeps you on edge.
The effects manifest as rigidity in both the body and mind. Physically, this tension often shows up as tightness in areas like your chest, shoulders, neck, and jaw. Mentally, it fuels rigid thinking patterns, black-and-white perspectives where everything is either good or bad, right or wrong, success or failure, etc. When expectations aren’t met, this inflexible mindset can amplify any underlying feelings of inadequacy. When perfectionism becomes an ingrained behavior, this rigidity shapes how you view and engage with life.
Because the body and mind are deeply interconnected, this cycle perpetuates itself, trapping you in survival mode and preventing your growth. Perfectionists often struggle to fully relax and miss out on the restorative benefits of rest and play. Rather than enhancing your performance, unhealthy perfectionism keeps you in a state of chronic stress and hypervigilance, undermining your ability to thrive.
How perfectionism develops
Perfectionism often begins in childhood, where explicit or subtle messages link success to love and approval. Praise for achievements, like good grades, can lead children to associate performance with acceptance, believing they must achieve to be worthy. Over time, this need for external validation becomes an unconscious survival strategy, a way to feel safe, secure, and loved.
Trauma, such as emotional neglect or frequent criticism, can reinforce this connection, making perfectionism a coping mechanism to avoid rejection. I experienced this myself; my intellect was praised, and love seemed conditional on bringing home A’s. But when I got in trouble, I faced blame and shame. These mixed messages led me to believe my worth was conditional that I had to be "good" or perfect to be accepted. Perfectionism protected me from the pain of criticism and rejection.
Other factors, like cultural ideals of beauty and “success,” competitive environments like school and the workplace, and observing and adopting behaviors of perfectionistic caregivers can also contribute to the development of this behavioral pattern.
3 tips to loosen the grip of perfectionism
Expecting perfectionists to let go of their habits entirely can feel unrealistic and even counterproductive. These behaviors have often contributed to success in some areas of life. The goal isn’t to bypass their importance or shut them down entirely but rather to loosen their grip and create space to explore healthier ways of achieving success without the constant fear of falling short.
The tips below offer a starting point to ease the stress perfectionism can create. In my coaching, we go further, addressing the deeper fears and insecurities that drive these behaviors, creating lasting shifts that support growth and self-compassion.
1. Understand where your inner critic comes from
Perfectionists often become deeply identified with their inner critic, mistaking its judgmental voice for their own. However, this inner critic typically stems from past influences and echoes of parents, caregivers, teachers, or societal expectations from childhood.
To gain insight into your inner critic, try this illuminating exercise: draw a picture of it. What does it look like? What words does it say to you? What or who does your critic remind you of? Reflecting on these aspects can help you explore your inner critic's origins and distinguish its harshness from your true voice. By recognizing these influences, you can start to challenge the validity of the inner critic’s words by asking, "Is this really true?" This practice helps you develop a kinder, more understanding view of yourself.
2. Build your capacity to tolerate messiness
Perfectionists have a low tolerance for disorganization and disorder, often because they equate messiness with a lack of control or even failure. Allow yourself to purposely do something imperfectly to build your capacity for tolerating mistakes and challenge your relationship to control. Consider starting a small, low-pressure project at home without worrying about the final outcome, such as writing a "messy" draft without censoring yourself or whipping up a meal without a recipe.
As you do this, pay attention to what arises within you. What sensations can you notice in your body? What is your inner dialogue like? These reflections can reveal underlying beliefs and fears that influence your relationship with perfectionism. Every observation is an opportunity for self-discovery. My clients who have tried this exercise often report a sense of relief, realizing that giving themselves permission to be imperfect didn’t lead to disastrous consequences.
This practice encourages you to see imperfection as not only typical but valuable, ultimately challenging the belief that there’s only one “right” way to perfection. Embracing this perspective helps nurture a healthier, more compassionate relationship with yourself and your creative process.
3. Practice being, not doing
Perfectionists often tie their worth to their accomplishments, trapping themselves in a cycle of constant productivity. They may struggle to understand the value of rest and may feel guilt when pausing. What’s needed is a new relationship with “being.”
In a state of “being,” the mind has nothing to “do” but exist in the present. This can be uncomfortable for perfectionists, and practices like meditation may feel challenging due to concerns about doing it “right.” Instead, I recommend cultivating a mindfulness practice, such as yoga or a simple ritual that invites you to connect with your senses. For example, pour a cup of hot tea, wrap yourself in a cozy blanket, and gaze out the window undisturbed for a set period of time.
These practices encourage you to challenge the urge for constant productivity and simply be present. Notice the sensations in your body and the thoughts that arise without judgment. Allow them to exist without trying to change or engage with them.
Don’t let perfectionism rob you of the life you desire
Unhealthy perfectionism may promise success and a sense of safety, but it often leads to inner turmoil. It’s not just about doing well; it’s about being flawless, a pursuit that disrupts peace of mind, fuels anxiety, undermines self-trust, and distances you from your true self. This cycle of stress and dissatisfaction can block your access to real joy and fulfillment. If perfectionism is robbing you of the life you want, it’s time to ask yourself whether your exceptionally high standards are truly helping or holding you back.
If you’re ready to soften the grip of perfectionism for good and are curious about what coaching can do for you, let’s connect! I’m offering a limited number of coaching session sampler packages for the 2024 holidays so you can experience a taste of this work at a special rate. I invite you to schedule a complimentary call with me and mention Brainz.
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Read more from Jen Legaspi
Jen Legaspi, Master Life Coach
Jen Legaspi is a trauma-informed, certified Master Life Coach, author of Brave Wise Woman, and yoga teacher. After her second divorce in her 40s, she faced the inevitable question, ‘What now?’ This led her down a path of healing and self-discovery, including exploring a new life on her own in Mexico for a year and a half and finding healthy romantic love after 50. She now enjoys helping post-divorce women over 40 discover their own answers to that question. Her compassionate guidance creates a soft space for them to land.
