Why Avoiding Conflict Makes It Even Worse
- Brainz Magazine
- 59 minutes ago
- 5 min read
Julia Dencker is a multi-passionate entrepreneur and expert in inner peace and peaceful leadership. She founded The Peaceful Path, hosts a German-speaking podcast, and provides recourses, mentorship, workshops, and retreats to promote sustainable conflict resolution for a possible peaceful world.
We’ve been taught that keeping the peace means staying quiet, letting things slide, and swallowing discomfort for the sake of harmony. But what if that version of peace is just a well-disguised form of inner disconnection? In today’s high-pressure world at work, at home, in leadership, avoiding conflict doesn’t preserve peace; it erodes it from within. What if the real path to freedom and connection is through the very tension we’re trying to avoid?
The silent saboteur
“I just want to keep the peace” is a very common sentence I hear from participants in my retreats and courses. And sure, I do understand why you are willing to keep the peace.
But the question I have for you is: Is what you achieve through your behavior the peace you truly seek? Is this the quality of peace you want to live for?
What about that pressing nudge in the back of your head every time this person is speaking or doing something you deep down dislike? Avoiding conflicts, or let’s say, avoiding confrontation, may seem like a path to harmony. But down the road, it leads to far deeper issues than you might think.
What you do by trying to “keep the peace” is take away your own power. And we often
do so because we fear the reaction of the other person.
But why? Because communication and human behavior are always somehow about power and privilege.
When we feel that the other person has more power due to their social status, aggressive tone, or intellect, we tend to resort to “trying to keep the peace.”
The cost of silence: Unspoken tensions
But what this approach is really telling us is that your peace has already been disturbed. We just don’t have the balls to say it. And this is what many of us experience daily – be it at home, at a family gathering, in a team meeting, or with a client. We allow others to take away our peace (= give away our power), and then justify ourselves into being the hero, because “we are the ones keeping the peace.”
Oh my goddess, as someone who grew up the exact opposite of this behavior, you cannot imagine how hard it was for me to wrap my head around it.
But I studied conflict and peace, and learned a ton about power plays, conflict trauma, and privilege, to now help people find comfort in speaking their truth, and taking back their peace before giving away their power.
For example, unresolved conflicts in the workplace are very well researched, as they drive cost inefficiency and absenteeism through the roof! As a recent report from CIPD found, only 36% of employees experience a full resolution of conflicts. Another recent article on the topic highlights that workplace conflicts cost businesses in the U.S. $35G billion each year, and we spend about 3 hours per week trying to solve them.
The hidden dangers of avoidance
So, if avoiding conflict to keep the peace isn’t just an HR issue but a crazy financial struggle as well, why are there still over 70% of organizations that don’t have a proper conflict resolution approach in place?
What we do by “keeping the peace” is increase turnover, risk divorce, and drain our resources.
No matter if it's at home or at work, the psychological effects of “keeping the peace”
are:
increased stress,
decreased satisfaction and engagement,
feeling numb, unseen, and unvalued, which can all lead to burnout.
That’s why it’s in your best interest to find a proper way of communicating what’s bothering you.
And depending on where you come from, your learned level of “peacekeeping,” and your resources, you’ll find this either easier or harder to do.
Cultural influences on conflict behavior
The way you handle conflict is very much determined by your upbringing. You might be a fighter, an avoidant, or someone who switches based on the perceived power the other person holds.
But in the end, it’s not about saying something or not saying something.
The magic lies in the way you say it.
And don’t worry about your shaky voice or forgetting half of what you wanted to say. You already impress by speaking up gently, by saying: “I didn’t like what you just said,” or “Something you did hurt me.”
And please, never take the reaction of the other person personally.
The way they respond tells you more about them than about you. In their reaction lies a lens deep into their soul – their upbringing, cultural values, and emotional intelligence.
The power of early intervention
So remember: there are a lot of adults, even in leadership positions or as successful businesspeople, who are emotionally immature. And when triggered, they snap into their 7 or 15-year-old self without even realizing it. Making a scene. Yelling. Telling you you’re dumb.
But once you understand that their behavior has nothing to do with you, you can hold compassion, and you’ll have the strength and courage to go and find a space with mature enough people to live, love, or work with.
There lies the power of early intervention. Otherwise, you risk being treated in that same way for years to come.
You teach people how to treat you. And the longer you wait to speak about something
that’s puzzling you or that you dislike, the harder it gets down the road.
So the questions I want you to ask is:
Are you truly willing to let other people strip you of your peace?
Or aren’t you here to have the best possible experience?
Embracing conflict for growth
Being your best self-leader, whether in business or at home, is not about avoiding friction. Each trigger and conflict is a new chance for growth, deeper self-understanding, and finding new ways of peaceful expression.
So, every successful conflict resolution starts with some inner work.
This kind of inner work is what I guide people through in my Inner Peace programs, where conflict becomes a doorway, not a dead end, where your peace has to suffer. Through a blend of scientific and philosophical knowledge, emotional practices, deep self-awareness, and spiritual insight, you can learn to navigate tension not just better, but wiser.
If this resonates with you – if you’re tired of surface-level quick fixes and are ready for a more soul-aligned approach to conflict – I’d love to invite you to explore my Inner Peace Tribe, a co-created study, ritual, and discussion group.
Or join the waitlist for my upcoming Peaceful Leadership Compass Training.
There, we learn tools and models to respond from a powerful place of peace instead of reacting. We train our muscles for inner peace through the cultivation of emotional spaciousness. And use frameworks that turn friction into freedom.
When you’re ready to learn even more about my work, feel invited to explore my workshops, courses and resources.
Read more from Julia Dencker
Julia Dencker, Inner Peace & Conflict Transformation Mentor
Julia Dencker is an expert in peaceful leadership and inner peace, focusing on fostering holistic well-being in personal and professional environments. With a background in leadership from a young age, she combines her experience with her MA in Peace and Conflict Studies to help others find peace holistically. As the founder of The Peaceful Path and host of its German-language podcast, she explores the transformative power of inner peace. Julia is currently writing two books: a memoir on her journey to inner peace and a guide to the '8 Dimensions of Inner Peace,' a model she developed after four years of research. She provides mentorship and conflict-resolution strategies to individuals and organizations worldwide.
