Written by Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen, The Flamekeeper is a leader in holistic healing. 10 years bed bound with chronic illness, on life support repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body and spirit. She is the Creator of the Phoenix Program 1:1 transformational coaching to heal trauma and rekindle your self-confidence.
It’s ok not to be ok. You don’t have to pretend anymore. They say a picture tells a thousand words, but often, all these words are lies! Looking at this photo, all you can see is a smiling woman together because that is all I allowed anyone to see. You can’t see how exhausted I was, how much pain I was in, and how desperate I was feeling. Perhaps this is true for you, too?
This photo was taken of me in Italy just before my immune system collapsed and declined into severe illness. It was an exciting time, and I had so much to look forward to. I was traveling abroad with my husband, who was working. I was heavily pregnant with my daughter after a string of miscarriages and looking after my very active 3-year-old son.
The image I portrayed to the world was one of success and poise, but it was a lie.
To the outside world, everything was going well. I appeared to have everything under control, a beautiful son, another baby on the way, and an exciting life, but I was gripped with severe daily pain and fatigue, suffering from crippling arthritis, vertigo, heart palpitations, memory loss, anxiety, and severe depression.
Behind closed doors, I was already on so much medication, trying therapists, on anti-depressants, and had been in and out of hospital on suicide prevention, but none of that is visible in this picture.
The face I presented to the world was always brave, groomed, and made up to hide the gaping failure I felt my life was.
The very next day, everything changed for me. I was bitten by a tick and developed severe fevers, chills, night sweats, migraines and chronic fatigue.
In my 30s, I became bedridden, and here I would stay for most of each day for the next ten years.
My hips dislocated, and I ended up in a wheelchair. All the trauma brought my daughter's birth forward, and I was left literally holding the baby while trying to look after my toddler in a wheelchair alone while my husband was at the office till late at night.
To say this was a hard time is the biggest understatement I could possibly make, and yet I kept smiling, trying to keep it together. That was my biggest mistake!
Putting on a brave face and glossing over something doesn’t get rid of it.
As a child, emotions were taboo. We were the family that never spoke about the elephant in the room, even when the elephant was crushing you to death. I learned that uncomfortable feelings were not a fit for conversation at the dinner table or anywhere else for that matter. All of this stiff upper lip taught me that my needs didn’t matter and that I needed to carry on being productive and useful to others at all costs, denying my own pain.
This meant even though I was in agony and so exhausted that I could barely lift the cement bags I had as arms and legs, I could not ask for help. I felt so much shame that I was a burden to my family and society that I flushed bright red every time my online groceries were delivered to my door. I did not feel I deserved to have the help, even though I could not see a way to hold my baby and push a trolley in a wheelchair.
I was always smiling, continuing to cook for the family and look after the children alone even though I was in agony. Only twice in the ten years of my illness did someone cook for me. Nobody knew how much pain I was in and how I struggled to even lift a cup of tea with my weakness and tremors.
My mistake was not allowing myself to feel and accept the pain of what I was dealing with.
I learned so much through those challenging years. I learned about how childhood trauma had directed the course of my life and how much it affected me on the emotional, energetic, spiritual, and physical levels.
I learned that if I wanted to heal, I needed to go into that trauma and acknowledge it to heal.
I am so grateful for all I have been through now because it has changed my life in so many profound ways and enabled me to strip away the pain to become who I really am. Yes, one picture brings back so many memories.
I have learned that I don’t need to hide my feelings and pretend to be ok anymore. The truth is acknowledging your feelings instead of repressing them is the way to heal and release them.
If you are hiding your true emotions in order to be socially acceptable, I want to encourage you to drop the mask because that is how you release that pain. You are safe to be yourself. Your feelings are valid.
If you want some help with healing trauma, reach out for a private chat to learn more about how working with me as a spiritual coach can help you to heal trauma and rebuild your self-confidence.
Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen Flamekeeper is the Flamekeeper, a holistic healing coach transforming mind, body and spirit. 10 years bed-bound with chronic illness, on life support, repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body, and spirit. She is skilled at healing sexual abuse, domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, that results in low self-worth, alcoholism, addiction, depression, anxiety and chronic illness. She is the Creator of the Phoenix program: 1:1 transformational coaching. Her mission: help you heal from trauma and rekindle your self-confidence so that you can create the joyful life you deserve.
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