Sharon Wright, the founder of Gorgeous Hearts Coaching, is passionate about helping empty nesters to regain their vitality, realise their soul purpose and enjoy meaningful relationships. She is a qualified coach and naturopath with over 10 years of experience in somatic voice work (a modality that facilitates alignment to the soul).
Do you feel the pressure to get closer to your partner now that the kids have left home and wonder why it feels like an effort? Do you strive for a ‘good’ relationship but aren’t sure what it looks like? When you met your partner, you were ‘in love.’ You raised a family and had a specific role. Now, you realise that you’re back together again without the kids, and you don’t share the same opinions about what a good relationship is. Comfort, excitement, a deeper connection, which one is true, and where do you go with this?
This blog aims to show why a good relationship won’t fill an empty nest and offers some ideas about what will. By exposing the ideals and opinions often touted as right and wrong in relationships, we’ll look at what makes for a deep and true connection with yourself and your significant other during transitions in midlife.
The ideals of a good relationship: Let’s get real!
Good is an ideal. It is a personally perceived state of expectation that is not always based on truth. These ideals can cause more anxiety when what you really need during life’s transitions is to feel settled.
A ‘good’ relationship can create unrealistic expectations because we often end up focusing on right and wrong. Being wrong frequently leads to feelings of rejection in one way or another, and that’s an unsafe place to be in any relationship!
From the year dot, we’ve walked the tightrope of ‘right’ to cross the vertiginous chasm of ‘wrong’ and get to the other side, where ‘good’ promises pastures of safety and abundance. It’s a lifelong tension because one wrong step can lead to a fall into disgrace. But the grass is always greener has never been a more apt idiom.
The problem with ‘good’ is that it continually changes its goalposts, forcing us to keep walking that tightrope! So, what does this have to do with your relationship?
Well, you only have to think about your last argument and how vehemently you or your partner defended the position of being ‘right’ to know the answer. Perhaps closer to home, how many times do you criticise yourself for being stupid or feel that you’re wrong or bad, and how does it make you feel? What efforts do you make in order to make things ‘right’?
In the past, you may have argued about how to educate the kids or the right way to clean the house, emphasising what was wrong in each other without fully appreciating each other’s strengths. You may have defended or justified your actions to prove how right you were. We all do this from time to time, but wouldn’t it be much less competitive and infinitely more loving to be humble about what’s right, to move away from idealistic views of what makes a relationship ‘good,’ and to appreciate that connection is all about acceptance, understanding, and giving each other space?
When the kids leave home, or during any transition as a midlife couple, your focus often shifts to ideals in an attempt to restore harmony. However, the truth is that what makes sense to you both often requires observation, space, acceptance, and appreciation. It also requires a lot of honesty and transparency. All of these qualities need to be embodied and lived rather than treated as theoretical ideas. It’s simpler than you may think, even though it isn’t always easy to act on consistently.
True values are sacred
When you surrender the control of being right and your avoidance of being wrong, your focus shifts, but your core values remain very much intact.
Are you someone who holds back your expression out of fear it will cause a disagreement, or someone who shares their feelings even when your partner isn’t always ready to hear them? In either case, try observing and questioning which of your values need recognition, validation, or are being compromised. Giving yourself space in this way allows you to approach communicating your needs more gently. It fosters respect and acceptance of each other’s differences.
Holding back your expression causes the pressure cooker valve to go into a frenzy, and it’s your insides that feel like they’re getting stewed! For this reason, communication is crucial. Even more important is respectful, non-reactive communication that honours your partner’s values while also honouring and expressing your own.
Example
One woman, whom I’ll call Rachel, felt she could talk about anything with her husband. After the kids left home, they didn’t seem to have much to talk about, and meals became silent. She spoke to her husband about this, and they agreed that they were “out of good things to talk about.” So, they began communicating about topics they had never discussed before.
What emerged were quite heated arguments, something they hadn’t experienced before in their relationship. Rachel felt their relationship was falling apart and had gone sour. She found it difficult to get past the fact that they had such different views on things. When we began exploring what a good relationship meant to her, it certainly didn’t include shouting matches over politics, opinions on health, or beliefs about the future.
But after digging a bit deeper into this together, Rachel understood that her partner’s core value of fairness was clashing with her value of honesty. She was someone who felt passionately about different topics and wanted her partner to feel the same way. However, he didn’t and often felt resigned to refrain from commenting. It’s never possible to change somebody else, nor should we assume to, but we can work on our own reactions. True joy in relationships is always about letting go of triggered reactions and being gentler with yourself.
Many relationships thrive on stimulation, which makes each partner hungry for the clash. In Rachel’s case, it meant choosing topics that emphasised the differences. Once Rachel saw the bigger picture, she was able to recognise the game that was being played.
Authentic self: Authentic relationships
Being authentic is not about being uncompromising on your ‘opinions.’ Opinions are rather like bags of density we carry around with us, and when we open them, they often create drama.
Being authentic means being transparent about the way we see things but also humble enough to recognise that the way we’ve been brought up, our education, and how we’ve personally experienced challenges in life can all create very different filters on what we perceive as true versus what others perceive. This means you can be authentically open and curious, as well as absolute in your truth, without being imposing.
In other words, you can stop walking the tightrope and worrying about potential falls. Each fall is an opportunity to learn and realise.
In a relationship, communication from this foundation is infinitely more evolving, intimate, and harmonious.
Ask yourself: What is authentically amazing about you? What about your partner? If you aren’t concerned about having a ‘good’ relationship, what is it that brings you closer? How do you speak with each other, and how do you collaborate? What is authentically felt about this new situation now that the kids have left home? What place do opinions have in these conversations?
Practical ideas
In an empty nest, there’s often pressure to focus on improving your relationship. Feeling fulfilled, however, is very much about how you feel in yourself, your relationship with you. This can be the difference between an empty nest and a full life. So, rather than focusing on what your relationship should look like, let’s embody some qualities that can truly bring you closer to your own heart and the heart of your partner:
1. Discernment
Discerning what feels true in your relationship and what doesn’t helps you focus your energy on what can bring you closer. However, as with all relationship work, it begins with you first.
Embodying honesty means being authentically self-reflective and aware. Ask yourself what you really meant when you said something that caused a reaction in your partner, without any judgment.
Start by focusing on your breath and the movement of it within your body. Where do you feel the movement of your breath? Are you able to change the quality of that breath? For example, can you choose a more loving, warm, and tender breath, with a consequent movement of your belly and rib cage as they expand on your in-breath, while letting the breath out intentionally with love, care, and precision?
Now, on that breath, say the words you used and feel the energy of them. Is there more to say? Are they part of something unsaid, or is it complete? Do they require further attention, or can you let them go?
By discerning your own emotional landscape, you’ll be able to understand and accept the fluctuations of that landscape in others too. As you observe in this way, you will discern how unwanted behaviour often results from a reaction to excess emotional energy.
This energy cannot be managed easily, but when reconnecting to your breath and body movements, you will feel much more settled.
To practice discernment, reconnect to your body and learn how to keep coming back to it, even when the mind is racing. Find out how I support people with this here.
2. Presence and humbleness
It’s difficult to discern if you aren’t present in each moment. Presence leads to humbleness as you realise how you are sometimes taken by emotional forces without any seeming control.
But presence needs a consistent reminder of being. Rituals to practice being consciously present are an effective and practical tool that supports a true and loving relationship with yourself and your partner.
Creating them is simple. Any micro-movement of each day can become a ritual, from cleaning your teeth and preparing your breakfast to decluttering your home or cleaning the car! The key is that a ritual is more about the ‘how’ than the ‘what.’
This is how your life becomes more meditative, great for enhanced focus and wonderful for relationships of all kinds.
Usually, people talk about meditation as a standalone activity, something to add to your routine, but it’s more about reconnection to your whole body.
It’s simple but not always easy to remember with so many distractions in life. When the focus shifts to the body, there is a deeper feeling of connection, but also a realisation that there is much more to you than just a body. Recognising this in others too is a very humbling experience.
I help midlife women reclaim their voice, literally and authentically, so they feel confident, heard, and deeply connected in their relationships and beyond. This support begins with an awareness of the body, adopting rituals that include voice exercises, and ultimately transferring this into an authentic expression. This creates empowerment to sidestep the rights and wrongs and deeply connect to oneself and others as the norm.
Consistency is key, and the more you connect with your body, breath, and voice each day, the easier it all becomes. You could set a timer on your smartphone or watch to remind yourself to come back to your breath and notice how your voice feels in your body. Or you could take a walk in total presence, feeling each footstep and ensuring they are gentle and free from tension.
However you do it, the aim is to repeat and repeat this practice until it becomes a consistent habit.
3. Beyond the games to the joy of connection
This article from Modern Marriage shows that sharing household chores is one of the most valued qualities of a ‘good marriage.’ However, my in-laws, who were born in the 1920s in Spain with a Roman Catholic upbringing, would have baulked at that list.
This demonstrates how the goalposts of what is considered "good" change continuously.
The very subject of household chores has caused countless arguments between my husband and me during our 34 years of marriage. It exposed something much deeper about the reality of our relationship. It showed us the games we play to stay in some kind of repetitive comfort where we could both avoid responsibility, playing the martyr and the irresponsible child in our case!
When the kids left home, this dynamic became glaringly obvious in the space they left behind, so much so that it was impossible to ignore. And I’m so glad we didn’t ignore it!
Being aware and tuning into your body brings you into truth immediately. Whatever the dynamics of your relationship, there is no way to avoid the intuitive communication of the body.
So, be open to the following observations:
When you feel like you’ve reacted to an argument, make it a habit to reconnect to your body and ask yourself the following:
How do you feel about this situation? What do you feel in your body?
Where do you feel it?
What else could you feel about this? What prevents you from feeling that?
How would you express this to your partner?
Journaling this would also be effective.
The more you reconnect to your body, the more authentic and empowered you become. This leads to greater confidence in the intuitive thoughts that aren’t shaped by the repetitive dynamics of long-held patterns and games.
If you’re interested in learning more about the games we play in relationships, I recommend this book for further reading and understanding.
For more ideas on how to get close and intimate, check out my other article on how ‘True Romance Happens in Everyday Moments.’
Finally: What makes for a happy relationship in the empty nest?
Well, it’s not a ‘good’ relationship, as we just don’t know what that really is, there’s no unanimous benchmark. Focusing on how to improve your relationship in the empty nest may add pressure to a transition that is already quite stressful; it could even be counterproductive.
If, on the other hand, we approach this more authentically and think about what a ‘true’ relationship is, one that is honest, transparent, enriching, and evolving, we know that all of these qualities must be embraced and embodied by us authentically to be true. We are more likely to understand and accept differences of opinion and be less reactive if we are honest about where those reactions come from and take steps to settle them by being more aware and present in the body.
Rather than seeking comfort, stimulation in games, ideals, and expectations that can lead to comparison and ultimately disappointment, we can champion the closeness that we so love with our partner.
If you would like to join my somatic world of empowerment, I have a wonderful Facebook group that provides a supportive space for midlife women ready to reclaim their voice, speak with confidence, and deepen their relationships. Using somatic and voice embodiment techniques, we’ll break free from self-doubt and step into powerful self-expression. Ready to be heard? You can join here.
You are also welcome to download my 15-page PDF booklet, “How to Feel Damned Good About Yourself After 50 & Connect Deeply With Your Partner.” It comes with a bonus somatic voice exercise that helps you let go of the tensions of transitions by reconnecting to your body and expressing yourself more lovingly. You can download it for FREE here.
Read more from Sharon Wright
Sharon Wright, Somatic Voice & Relationship Coach
Sharon Wright spent many years searching for true meaning and love in her life. After many spiritual detours, that nearly destroyed her marriage, she learned that her body was a way to connect to true love, aka the soul. She has since developed and shared techniques to facilitate that reconnection via awareness of the vibrational integrity of the voice. She both coaches and mentors her clients, empty nesters who often feel alone after their kids have left home, to manage anxiety and connect more deeply with their partners. One of her main tenets, that the vibrations of the voice can harm or heal, depending on the energy one is aligned to, brings focus to heart-led living for purposeful and evolving relationships.
