Written by: Dr. Adriana Popescu, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Years ago, when I was in graduate school, I was exhausted and depleted, and in the throes of a full-blown health crisis. I began seeking a different possibility through exploring Energy Psychology and holistic healing practices, as nothing traditional could tell me what was going on or provide me with much relief.
In these experiences, I had to look at how I was living and functioning and make some different choices. One thing I discovered in this journey of self-awareness was the point of view I had that it was my job to help, fix, and take care of other people. As someone who is highly sensitive and aware, and a naturally empathic healer, I was actually taking in and on the thoughts, emotions, pains, and distress of others. In my point of view at the time, I was the strong one who could handle it, and if I could take it away from them, they might get better. Being in graduate school surrounded by stressed-out people, there was never any shortage of people to take care of!
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you get around stressed-out people and walk away with their stress? Have you made it your job to save other people and take away their suffering? Are you the friend that people always call with their problems and you find yourself thinking about their troubles for days after? Is your body maxed out, as mine was in school, dealing with other people’s stuff?
If you answered yes or maybe to any of these questions you may consider the possibility that you are committed to saving others. For me, I realized that this choice to heal and save was not serving my body or me. I took action and used the powerful tools of Energy Psychology and Access Consciousness® to change this for myself. I now work with clients all over the world to break these detrimental patterns and create lives of greater possibility.
At first glance, saving people from their suffering may seem quite noble and great. However, looking more closely we have to recognize that saving other people requires us to use a tremendous amount of judgment of ourselves and them to determine who or what needs to be saved. We actually have to judge others as “less than” or inferior to us to save them. This whole system of judgment leads to codependency and need. Many of us were given or took on this job, or role in the family, as children. We may be functioning from these old paradigms well into adulthood.
Furthermore, saving others or coming to their emotional rescue can cement those we try to save in a victim mentality. We are actually viewing these people as weak and inferior, which may lead them to make more disempowered choices. It’s actually a vicious cycle in which people learn that if they fall down, others will pick them up, coddle or give to them, so they reap the benefits of victimhood and never change it.
How do we eliminate these unhealthy patterns? First and foremost, we have to change our point of view. Ask questions: Do people actually require my saving? Am I functioning from a saving point of view with this person or in this situation?
I would like to propose a reframing of all of this to empowerment. With empowerment, we recognize that everyone is an infinite being, who ultimately has the power to choose and change anything. Basically, it is acknowledging that everyone is in charge of their own life and that they know what is going to work best for them to create what they desire. That may not align with what you think is best for them!
Beware of this judging point of view, which puts you in the superior position to them. Who are we, the saviors, to say what would be “better” for them? What if instead we empower others to know what they know, choose for themselves, and learn and grow from those choices? Saving people actually robs people of the awareness, information, and experience one can gain from missteps or challenges.
One tool I often use from Access Consciousness® to have freedom here is allowance. Allowance is where everything is just an interesting point of view; it’s not right or wrong or good or bad, it’s just an interesting point of view. For example, “Interesting point of view I have this point of view about this person choosing this,” or “Interesting point of view I have the point of view that I have to save them or make things easier for them.”
This perspective gives you more space, ease, and peace. Having allowance and no judgment for others is actually one of the kindest things you can be and do for them. What if the most caring thing you can do for someone is to let them be exactly who they are without having to change them in any way? Is it really caring to take away someone’s choice? What would allowance be like and create instead?
Other questions you can ask to change this pattern of saving (especially when you become aware of having taken on other people’s suffering) include: Who does this belong to?® Who am I doing this for? Is this actually working for me? What could I choose instead?
Another path out of saving is to shift the attention back to yourself and focus on creating your life. Healing and saving others can often be a distraction from stepping up and choosing more for ourselves. What would you really like to create? What would you like your life to be?
Thank you for taking the time to explore this with me. If you are curious and would like have more freedom and tools to address this issue, I am going to be exploring it in a new upcoming online workshop titled “Who or What Are You Saving?” coming on June 22nd, 2022. You can find out more and join here.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Adriana!
Dr. Adriana Popescu, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Dr. Adriana Popescu is a licensed clinical psychologist and empowerment coach with over 25 years of experience in the mental health field. She specializes in treating addiction, co-occurring disorders, and trauma, and has directed a number of treatment programs in the San Francisco Bay Area. Adriana has a private practice in San Francisco and travels around the world coaching and facilitating transformational and empowering workshops. She coauthored the Conscious Being, Conscious Recovery, and Conscious Creation Workbooks, and she hosts a fascinating podcast called Kaleidoscope of Possibilities – Alternative Perspectives on Mental Health. She loves to empower people to overcome their imagined limitations, release their self-judgments, and discover the brilliance within – creating a life of infinite possibilities.
