Written by: Marc Singer, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Lying in bed, around 4am, the thoughts in my head were focused on how I would do it. How, where, when… Would I leave a note for somebody… What would it say…? I went through scenarios about how I would do it. Would I do it at home. Maybe the park besides my old family home… But no, what if kids found me!
This is something I’ve experienced many times over the years. You see, I’ve suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts since my teenage years. No one would ever know this. Outwardly, I am always joking and happy. I don’t sit around moping and I’ve always had a strong determination to succeed in life. I certainly don’t want to die either. In fact, not living scares me much more than dying does.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t experience very dark thoughts and feelings. I promised my Mum, before she died, that I would never take my own life. And I won’t, but that still hasn’t stopped me thinking about it at times. It’s hard to say exactly why. Like I said, I’m not the type of person who spends too long feeling sorry for himself. I certainly do not see myself as any kind of victim.
And yet, here I am, sat awake at 4am, listening to the rain pouring down, thinking about how I will kill myself. Perhaps its linked with low self-esteem. As a professional coach, I am pretty clued up over matters of the mind. In fact, it has nothing to do with being a coach, I have always been able to work people and situations out easily, and naturally. Becoming a coach was simply a natural progression really.
However, my own experiences have helped me understand that no matter who you are, no matter how happy and great someone’s life may seem, that does not mean they are immune from these kinds of thoughts. In fact, men in the 40’s struggle with these thoughts and feelings much more than others. And I totally can relate to that.
For me the trigger seems to be a self-loathing I get at times. I don’t accept praise and compliments very well from people. I really don’t like it. And it can often result in me feeling depressed as a result. I get lonely. Especially since losing all my family. And after the loss of them I pretty much boxed up all my emotions into a metaphorical suitcase and shoved it to the back of the closet.
So, when I now allow some of those feelings and emotions out occasionally, only to then feel I must rush to box them up again, I feel it leads to lack of self esteem and thoughts of self-loathing. For instance, you’ll meet someone you like, only to discover the feelings not mutual after initially believing they could be the one.
That will lead to you then telling yourself what a fool you are for ever thinking someone would want to be with you, and then quickly scurrying back to the suitcase to pack up your feelings again. Self-protection is what it is. The result of that is, your energy drops, you feel worthless again and destined to be alone. Then comes the horrible, suicidal thoughts.
This is how easy it can be to slip from being happy and confident, to depressed and suicidal. Thankfully however, I am aware enough to recognise this, and know that these thoughts are only fleeting. But others are not so lucky. For others they can become all consuming and simply take over your life. And that is why so many men in their 40’s succumb to them. It’s normal for a man this age to question their life. And when you have reached this age and feel like a failure, that you’ve not achieved anything worthwhile, that no one will ever love you etc, its normal to then hit a brick wall.
I work not with people struggling with suicidal thoughts. After all, I’m not trained to do that, even if I do have direct experience myself. No, I work to help men increase their self-worth, confidence, and belief that they can truly create a life that they want to experience and choose.
I have discovered that a lot of men hold back from getting help, whether it be with a coach, counsellor, or therapist, largely down to the stigma attached to it. A lot of masculine, alpha male types won’t feel they can open up fully with someone who they feel may judge them, or patronise them for living a lifestyle that person doesn’t truly understand.
This stops a lot of guys opening up to ‘professionals’ who may be of a certain background, university educated, middle class etc. The same is relevant when you mentor young kids from inner city gangs. As I experienced doing so during my time in prison. They will refuse to open up to figures of authority because they feel that person simply doesn’t ‘get them’.
I managed to break that barrier down and help countless kids come out of themselves. One example being the guy who looked imposing, 6 feet 4 and pure muscle, who refused to interact with the critical reasoning class I was working in as a classroom assistant. The teacher I worked for told me she was going to kick him out of the class as he was disrupting the others. All he did was sit with his head in hands hunched over the desk.
I asked her to let me have a go. So I walked over and in my typical mad way (I have a very stupid sense of humour, one of the things that probably makes a lot of people think I am not very mature in fact ) I whispered in his ear, ‘What would you do if a Sherman Tank suddenly smashed through that wall at 500mph?’. An absurd thing to say! But it worked, he burst out laughing… And I had got him out of his shell.
It turned out that he wasn’t this scary, imposing nutter everyone assumed he was. In fact, he simply has a stammer and was embarrassed to speak in front of the rest of the class. After this, I worked to build his confidence up, and make him part of the group. And everyone loved and respected him. You see, what we perceive to be the case isn’t always, but its our perceptions which hold us back.
And coming back to the point, many men perceive that uni educated professionals simply do not understand or ‘get them’, and that is one reason there are so many suicides from that demographic. Many working-class men simply feel marginalised by a society which tells them that being a man like they are is toxic. And that results in a deep distrust of the very people that should be helping them.
I am a man in my mid 40’s, I have struggled with these awful thoughts all my life, and I have also walked the walked and talked the talked in the eyes of many working class, masculine, alpha male types. And that is why as a professional coach I now focus on helping men, in their 40’s, who feel they have nowhere to turn.
They do. They can turn to me.
Marc Singer, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Marc is a highly trained professional coach, a graduate of (IPEC) the institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching. After being badly bullied at school, Marc became involved in a gang full of violence and drugs. Although having enjoyed a great upbringing and from a loving family, he went off the rails. Having moved on from that life, he found himself in a situation one night that would change his life forever. Imprisoned for life for a crime he didn’t commit, he embarked upon an incredible journey of change. Tragically having lost all of his family whilst in prison, Marc found the strength to rebuild his life, secure his freedom, and build an amazing career. He now helps others create the life they desire and become the very best versions of themselves. Currently authoring his first book, his life story, he also coaches one-to-one in groups and does inspiring speaking arrangements motivating others to overcome their own barriers to success. In fact, he was recently invited back to the prison he was in, but this time not as an inmate but as a speaker. His story is unique, tragic, and shocking, but ultimately evidence that with the right mindset and approach to life, you really can achieve absolutely anything!
