Written by: Ashley Elich, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I kept people-pleasing and “keeping the peace” because it was easier than facing the fact that I had no idea who I was or what I wanted ‒ and beyond that, I definitely didn’t have the confidence to believe I could change my life.
My brain on people-pleasing:
I had been in my event planning career for 12 years, working up the ladder whether I liked my job or not. (It’s just what you’re supposed to do, right?) I liked my job enough ‒ I assumed no one actually liked their job anyway, so who was I to require a job I actually liked…
There was another job. I had been straddling event planning and fundraising for a couple of years, and this new job would only focus on fundraising. And isn’t fundraising a better job…wouldn’t people respect me more if I only did fundraising? (Let’s ask all of my friends for their opinion before I even consider what I actually like doing…Oh, they want me to take it ‒ cool!) I said yes.
Are there red flags during the interview process ‒ absolutely! Do I accept anyway because someone else told me to do so and I thought it would make people respect me more ‒ absolutely!
It wasn’t 1 month into this new job when I felt miserable. It felt like everything came crashing down. I was in a foul mood at work, pretending to love what I’m doing. And I brought that mood home to my future husband. I was just so angry at myself I didn’t know how to cope.
I felt like this for another 18 months before I finally took my future into my own hands. I was terrified to admit that I hated my job, terrified to admit that I didn’t know what was next for me, terrified to stop people-pleasing.
What I realized is that this had been a pattern in my life. I listened to other people all the time ‒ I valued their opinion of my life more than I valued my own opinion. This meant that I didn’t know who I was or what I liked. I didn’t know myself at all, nor did I know what I wanted my life to be like.
I was people-pleased because I was praised for doing it as a child. And then, as an adult, I craved that validation. I molded myself to be the person other people wanted me to be.
It was time to stop being the nice girl so that I could finally create a life that I loved. Here’s how I did it. You can do this too. You are worthy of an exciting life that you love, one that pushes you to get out of bed in the morning. You deserve to live the life you are meant to live. Do you know that fire in your belly that is telling you that you’re meant for more? Listen to it!
1. Take a step back and look at your life as a whole
Without the drama, without regret, and without negative talk.
Overall, what are you trying to accomplish in your life? The feelings and experiences…
What might you not be considering or seeing? Other ways to achieve your goal…
Decide what decisions actually need to be made ‒ it might feel like your entire life needs an overhaul, but is that really true?
2. Stop saying, “I don’t know” what I want / what to do
Instead, investigate ‒ What’s the real challenge? Is it that you don’t believe you can have what you want, you don’t believe you deserve what you want, you just don’t know how to start, you are nervous? All totally human responses, but when you know the truth, it’s much easier to figure out what support you need and how to get started.
“I don’t know” is never the truth ‒ it usually means that you don’t believe in yourself so you don't even try to figure out what’s next for you. Work on your self-compassion and self-confidence.
3. Take inventory for 2 weeks and rate everything you do 1-5
Make a list of what you don’t want
Make a list of what you love doing (and try to do that more)
Get off auto-pilot ‒ Slow down during these 2 weeks, pause throughout the day to take inventory about how you feel when you’re in your life
Have fun and be curious! You will be surprised.
4. Evaluate your ratings
What surprised you?
What can be eliminated immediately?
What can’t be eliminated yet, but maybe changed? Or maybe you can shift your perspective?
5. Values
Go online to find a values list
Values reveal themselves to you, some good questions to ask:
What are you allowing in your life?
When life is really good, what is being expressed?
When you are upset, what values are being challenged?
What must you experience in life?
When you compromise yourself, what values might you be letting go? Why?
Write them down in a place you see each morning and set an intention to live by them throughout the day
This will help you be more decisive about what to let go of so that you can create more space for your desired life to reveal itself
This will help you to know what you want because to be in alignment with your true self, you will want to stand by your values
6. Boundaries list
Get good at saying no!
Go back to your ratings exercise ‒ eliminate
Before you say yes, ask yourself if saying yes to this will support the future you / move you toward your desired life
7. Focus on one decision at a time
Break your goals down so they’re not so overwhelming
Just focus on the next thing to do, not your entire to-do list
Fear will always exist, but that doesn’t mean you should quit on your dream life. Isn’t it time to figure out what you want and go after it?
Ashley Elich, Executive Contributor Braiinz Magazine
Ashley Elich is a Certified Life Coach who specializes in guiding her clients to make bold life changes from the inside out. Ashley teaches the mindset practices needed to guide her clients to stop people-pleasing, hold boundaries, and release fear, judgment, and comparison, so that they can discover their dream life, take action, and feel confident in their future. Ashley guides her clients to follow their intuition and make the big moves necessary to change the course of their future.
