Written by: Dawn Bates, Senior Level Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Reading the below quote whilst transcribing the chapters of the next book being published by Dawn Publishing, my publishing company, I was struck by the profoundness of it, so much so, I went into overthinking mode about all the instances that this quote rings true.
“When we stop traumatising men, we stop traumatising women. It’s that simple.” Ben Timberley, Founder of Blackbook Consulting.
In every woman’s life, there is her father, and regardless of whether that father is or is not present, the impact he will have on her life will show up in all areas of life. She may not realise it, but it will be there.
If her father is present in all meanings of that word, then one would hope she goes through life having a healthy relationship with men in her romantic liaisons, as well as her social and professional networks.
As soon as a woman enters the dating world and the world of work, she will encounter men who have in some way or form been abused, traumatised, and hardened to the world she inhabits. It doesn’t matter whether she chooses men as her romantic partner or not, once we reach a certain age, we all get hit on by members of the opposite sex.
How her father raised, or did not raise her, will go a long way in how she navigates the world around her, and how she treats the men in her space; and for some women, the only way she knows how to treat men is to either emasculate, abuse or reject men at every turn.
If women have been rejected by their father, the almost always underlying message replaying in our minds throughout the rest of our lives is that we will be rejected or abandoned by men. For some of us, we have the opportunity to ‘do the inner work’, but not everyone knows about the ‘inner work’, and those who do know about it, often do not have the capacity or the courage to face it.
If we have faced infidelity in a deep and meaningful relationship, such as a marriage to the father of our children, then any man we come across is fair game to be accused of lying, cheating and manipulating us – or so the unhealed woman would have us all believe.
One of the greatest challenges we all face, regardless of whether we are male or female, is the gauntlet of the workplace. A place where rivalry for promotions, respect, salary and partners (both the romantic kind and the professional kind) come into play.
For the Man Up Tough To Talk book, and this article, I teamed up with Steve Whittle, Founder of Tough To Talk, the men’s mental health and suicide awareness charity in the UK, and a man who not only helped me heal some dark wounds within me, but who has also faced his own mental health challenges.
He has the following to say about men’s mental health and the role of HR within the workplace:
It's an uncomfortable truth that men's mental health issues are often overlooked in workplaces. Even though HR teams are doing commendable work implementing Employee Assistance Programmes (EAPs), we're missing the mark when engaging men.
Why? Because of the language we use, the stigma around appearing weak, and the cognitive dissonance many men experience when considering their mental health. It's time we faced these issues head-on, and here's why.
The language problem
The way we communicate about mental health in the workplace is not resonating with men. This is not surprising, given that HR teams are often predominantly female and may unintentionally communicate in a way that resonates more with women. This communication gap leaves many men feeling alienated, unable to recognise the support offered to solve their problems.
The stigma
Despite high rates of poor mental health, men are less likely than women to engage with mental health support services. This is often due to the fear of appearing weak or vulnerable, which is still unfortunately associated with seeking help for mental health issues.
Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance - the discomfort one feels when holding two contradictory beliefs - plays a significant role here. Men understand they have issues with health, finances, relationships, and work, yet they struggle to reconcile this understanding with the societal expectation to 'man up' and deal with problems independently.
The solution
The question is, how can we change this? How can we make our workplaces more inclusive for men struggling with mental health issues?
Firstly, we need to change the way we communicate about mental health, ensuring our language and tone resonate with men. We must address men’s issues directly, using language they can identify with and creating an environment where they feel comfortable seeking help.
Secondly, we need a culture change. This isn't just about HR policies but our entire workplace culture. Our leaders must be committed to changing the status quo, ensuring mental health is a priority for all employees, regardless of gender.
Finally, we need data. Look at the stats from your own EAP. How many men are engaging with your solutions? This complex data can provide valuable insight into your current strategies’ effectiveness and where improvements can be made.
It's time for action. It's time to engage men in the conversation about mental health in the workplace because every employee deserves to feel heard, supported and understood.”
Reading this, you can see why it was an honour to collaborate with Steve on the Man Up Tough To Talk book, a collection of real life stories written in the words of the men who Steve interviewed. The language we use, the cultures we are part of, and the communities we build at home and at work, all play a part in how men are treated, understood and supported to be a man.
The phrase “man up” has been thrown around as an insult of the highest order, and as a mother of two sons, it was a phrase that I wanted to see used in an empowering way, a celebratory way, a supportive way. Why? Because ‘we never leave a man behind’ and when we hear the call ‘man down’, everyone rallies around and supports him.
The language we use is incredibly powerful, and as someone who speaks multiple languages, I know the power of connection when we speak someone else’s mother tongue. When someone from a different country hears me speak their language, that person feels respected, heard, understood and bonded with me – so if it is true for those of a different nation culture, then surely the same is to be true for those who speak our language, but who are of the opposite gender?
Reading the stories within Man Up Tough To Talk, not only did I learn how deeply men feel, but I also learnt just how much men want to support, protect, and love women.
Becoming a mother of boys, I have learnt a lot over the years, but nothing was to prepare me for the lessons I learnt in this book about men, about how they interpret the world, the abuse they face, the battering from society, the loneliness they experience, and the depths of the abyss they will go to just to love a woman; and protect their family.
Although my dad loves my mother deeply, he is of an age and generation where affection is not shown publicly, and my father… well, he told my mum to have me adopted because he didn’t want to pay child support!
Add into the mix the eighteen years of infidelity I discovered when my now ex-husband told me he wanted a divorce, and having been raped, I had some pretty mixed-up views of the men in this world; but I still love men. I still support men, and I still honour them. I am able to receive love and support from men, without tarring them all with the same brush and feathers.
When I hear other women ‘man-bashing’ and emasculating men in public, my skin crawls and depending on where I am, who is nearby, I will always speak up for men. If the man himself is present, I do not wish to embarrass him even more than he must be feeling, but I make it silently known with a look, that I am horrified at the abuse being subjected towards men.
Female friends, colleagues and women across social media have berated me for standing up for men, for defending them, and for working on a book to help the men of this world, for ‘how dare [I] stand up for men after all they have done to women?’. Oftentimes, it is the white, middle class corporate man who gets the most abuse in the mainstream, but it doesn’t matter who gets the abuse, the ripple effect will always hurt the men, and hurt other women in the aftermath.
When I speak out against having a matriarchal society, the angry women masquerading as modern-day feminists have tried to shout me down by telling me I am a ‘self-hater’. The sad fact is, these women cannot see that to replace patriarchy with matriarchy, which is the other side of the coin, will also do us no good. We need a balance of both, we need the energy of both if we are to survive successfully together, if we are to all heal from the abuse of the systems that have gone before, because it isn’t just women who have suffered, it is the men in all areas of our lives who are suffering, and many of them in unbearable pain and silence.
Having read the journeys’ of the men who bravely shared their stories in the hope that we will save lives with this book, reduce the trauma and mental health challenges, and break the stigma of the various challenges men have, I can honestly say I am a better human, a better mother, daughter and one day I hope to get the opportunity to be a much better wife than I was before (and I was a pretty amazing wife, you can ask my ex-husband!)
Returning to Ben’s quote at the top of this article, if we want to stop the abuse of women, then we need to stop the abuse of men, because our men are dying from suicide at a rate of 132 per day across the US, Canada and Britain (Ortiz-Ospina, 2023). These men are our husbands, our sons, our fathers, brothers, lovers, friends, colleagues and neighbours; and rather than be abused due to our hurt, and the negative mainstream narratives, it is time we started loving and celebrating men in the same way we women wish to be loved and celebrated.
To pre-order your copy of this powerful book, please visit here All royalties from this book will go towards supporting men through male only spaces, mental health first aid courses and raising awareness so we can break the stigma, and destroy the narrative of men being toxic by design.
With love, Dawn and Steve.
Dawn Bates, Senior Level Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dawn Bates is a true international bestselling author multiple times over on five continents. She specialises in developing global leaders into real authorities who wish to give a voice to the voiceless whilst working with them to create brand expansion strategies through activism and authorship.
Profound truths, social justice and human rights underpin everything she does, and at the core of her soul is a passion for being of service to humanity, giving hope, courage and confidence for others to stand in their truth and live a life of conviction.
She writes for various magazines, sails around the world on yachts as a digital nomad and is currently working towards her PhD in Human Rights and Social Justice with the University of Oxford, whilst also hosting her own podcasts The Sacral Series and The Truth Serum.
Her books are powerful and comprise of solo compilations and multiple collaborations of the highest caliber. Dawn brings together the multi-faceted aspects of the world we live in and takes you on a rollercoaster ride of emotions, whilst delivering mic dropping inspiration, motivation and awakening. Her work captures life around the world in all its rawness.
Dawn’s expertise and insights will make you rethink your life, whilst harnessing the deepest freedom of all: your own truth. She’s an authority on leading others to create exceptional results by igniting the passions and fires deep within to speak and live powerfully.
Sources
