Written by: Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How to best answer this question for yourself This is a question that came up for myself and others that I have talked to quite a lot. Especially when someone is looking for a new relationship and out dating it is something that will come up because you most likely will be confronted with it one way or another. Therefore it is only advisable to put thought this question before you even begin dating.
Thoughts and opinions vary, from being intimate on the first night all the way to not doing it before marriage. It all has to do with our personal beliefs and preferences. When we are ready and willing to let someone close to us?
Previous experiences come into play, trust and not to forget: our personal needs. Seems like an awful lot to consider… but you will see that it is actually not. What I have learned for myself is that it is key to know where my boundaries are, to know what I want and need regardless of what others say Other people's opinions do not determine what is right for you. When I was in my early 20ties and out partying a lot, I was often confronted with friends who would say to me why I wasn't taking advantage of the opportunities that I had. This was related to the offers of going home with men and my choice to say “no”. The trust in myself got shaken up when I heard this statement over and over. Why was I not wanting to have “fun”?
I realised with time passing that peer pressure is not a good position to make decisions from. Ultimately I am the one living in my body and whatever decisions I make, I get to deal with. Other people will always share their opinions, whether asked for or not, but ultimately I am the one making the decision for myself.
It is often easy to throw an opinion in from the outside when you don't deal with the actual situation and you don't have all the information.
There isn't necessarily a right or wrong decision generally and with this topic. Yet listening to someone else, hearing what works for them, doesn't result in this being right for you.
Find out what it is you want.
When I worked in Turkey I had a nice co-worker and she used to have casual intimacy with one of our colleagues. She was absolutely happy with this situation as she did not want a relationship with him or see it go any further.
What I see in a lot of girls though is that they meet a guy, they like him and because they think this will lead to commitment, they allow intimacy because of it. They assume what they don't know. Being with someone on the assumption that they will want to commit one day can be very risky emotionally. Risky because it can make us feel unease and uncertain, going about our day in a less confident manner and in the end likely to make us sad.
Intimacy before commitment or the other way around?
For the person who might be reading this and struggling to find their own answers on when is a good time to be intimate, here is my advice. You always make your own choices and these are nobody's business, but if you have allowed intimacy prior commitment in your past and it did not feel right, I invite you to question whether it is right for you.
What it means to be a high value women.
When I was looking for a partnership I would watch dating advice videos. One thing that would come up time and time again is the term “high value women”. Over and over I would hear that “A high value women attracts a high value men” or that “A high value women would show up in a way that makes a men want to commit.” At the time I did not understand what that meant.
I now know that every women is a high value women. Yet not every women has learned to love and care for herself in a way that leads her to show up as a “high value women”. When I was out in the dating world I came to realise that I´m the one who looks after myself. I cannot expect to be respected or valued when I don't respect or value myself.
What dating coaches mean when they use the term “high value women” is simply a women who look after and out for herself and who continues to do so when she likes a men.
Let's throw in an example.
Let's compare how we go about applying for a job and dating. Bear with me, this will make sense. When we apply for a job the first step is narrowing down what exactly we want. Looking at various options and then making a decision which of these to apply for. When it comes to this process quality is usually better than quantity. Step two: Being invited to an interview and showing up as our best self. Making sure our future client or employer knows about the skills we have. And step three: if all parties are happy it´s a match.
The mistake we make when it comes to dating is 1) we think “it should fall into our lap” the way it does in the movies and 2) we should just “be ourselves”. Both of these thoughts are not very good advice when it comes to dating, because 1) when we think it should fall into our lap we have no control over who falls into our lap and 2) when we think of “just being ourselves” we make no preparations on what stories we want to share about ourselves or how we can ensure that this new person sees the value in us. I am mentioning this because when we choose wisely on who to meet, we are much more likely to get in touch with someone who is who we´re looking for and who is interested in commitment in the first place. We can easily save ourselves time and energy by choosing a person who wants commitment to begin with which means, we never have to worry about the original question.
What is right for you?
To act in integrity with what you want. If you want a committed relationship would it feel better to know that you are already in it before being intimate?
There was a turning point in my past, where I straightforwardly decided to only be intimate when the relationship status was final. That once I meet someone I liked, they didn´t need to know immediately if they wanted to commit, they could have time, but no intimacy.
Interestingly enough, when I made that choice and stuck to it, I was a) able to not overly invest in a relationship that hadn´t fully formed yet and b) get my answers on whether the person was ready for commitment or not. I also felt proud of myself for respecting the choice I made, which gave me more confidence.
Making a decision and valuing yourself brings power back to you. When you want commitment, but you wait around for your partner to decide whilst you are intimate, you hand over the power. Yet, when you are calm and clear you value yourself, your potential partner and you remain in control.
The choice is yours.
Finally the choice is yours and yours alone. Whatever you know in your heart is right for you, is the path you need to walk. If you are not sure what you want: journal about it; meditate; take a long walk and think. Once you have your answers, respect them. Respecting yourself is the key to be respected by others. We all are high value women, but we can´t wait for others to treat us that way, we need to treat ourselves that way first.
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Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Melanie Josephine is a leading expert in the field of dating and relationships. In her coaching practice, she actively helps women to bring clarity and light into a topic that may have been dark for years. After going through challenges in her own love life, she decided to research and figure out where she was going wrong. Her self help book “Love Life Simplified” won a New Apple Award in the category “Young Adult Inspirational” and she continues to write for Brainz Magazine as well as on medium.com. In her podcast “Change Your Love Life Forever” she regularly shares experiences and learnings on a vulnerable level. Before she settled down in the UK, she travelled the world as an international nanny and shared her learnings in her popular book “Rock Your Au Pair Year”. Melanie is a highly organised Nanny/ Carer PA with many years of experience in private households alongside her coaching and author activities. Her mission: to bring hope into peoples love life because there is someone for everyone!
