When The Familiar Turns Strange – The Uncanny, Misalignment, And Relationships
Dr. Dragana Favre is a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and a seeker of the human psyche's mysteries. With a medical degree and extensive neuroscience education from prestigious institutions like the Max Planck Institute and Instituto de Neurociencias, she's a seasoned expert.
We’ve all experienced that unsettling moment when something familiar suddenly feels alien—whether it’s a place, an object, or even a relationship. This is the essence of the uncanny, a concept first explored by Sigmund Freud. The uncanny describes those eerie moments when something once known becomes unfamiliar, creating a sense of discomfort.
In relationships, particularly in intimate or therapeutic ones, we often encounter the uncanny when misalignment occurs. Whether it's a conversation that goes awry, a feeling of disconnection, or a sudden shift in dynamics, moments of misalignment can disrupt the natural flow of a relationship, making the once-familiar other feel distant or strange. But what causes this shift, and how can we realign after it happens?
Freud suggested that the uncanny arises when repressed thoughts or feelings come to the surface. These are things we’ve hidden from ourselves—fears, desires, or memories—that, when revealed, create discomfort. In relationships, this may happen when unresolved tensions or suppressed emotions suddenly emerge, making the person we know seem unfamiliar.
Consider the early stages of a romantic relationship, where everything feels magical. This stage, sometimes referred to as the coup de foudre, is characterized by intense feelings of connection and excitement. But over time, the initial spark fades, and new phases of the relationship emerge. As this shift happens, partners can experience a sense of disconnection, as though the person they fell in love with has become a stranger. The familiar suddenly feels unfamiliar, creating a sense of the uncanny.
In the therapeutic relationship, misalignment occurs when the dynamic between therapist and patient shifts unexpectedly. Donald Kalsched, a psychoanalyst specializing in trauma, explores this phenomenon in his work. He describes how trauma survivors often experience the uncanny when repressed parts of their psyche resurface during therapy. These parts, which have been hidden away to protect the self, can feel alien when they emerge, creating moments of disconnection.
Kalsched emphasizes that these uncanny experiences are not only unsettling for the patient but also for the therapist. The therapist may feel the familiar flow of the therapeutic process break down, as unconscious material floods the session. But Kalsched also sees these moments as opportunities for growth. When patients and therapists work through these uncanny experiences, deeper healing can take place.
Marie-Louise von Franz, a collaborator of Jung, extends the idea of the Uncanny through the archetypal dimension. In her analysis of myths and fairy tales, von Franz discusses how the uncanny is linked to archetypes, such as the stranger or the double. In moments of misalignment, these archetypal figures emerge, confronting individuals with hidden, repressed aspects of themselves or their partners. For von Franz, this is not merely disquieting but a crucial step toward individuation, pushing one to integrate the unknown into a fuller sense of self.
Heidegger’s concept of Unheimlichkeit (uncanniness) moves Freud’s psychological insight into philosophy, connecting it to existential anxiety. According to Heidegger, the uncanny arises when we confront our vulnerability and the fragility of our existence, often revealed during misalignment in relationships. This misalignment reminds us of the groundlessness of our assumptions and the instability of our everyday lives.
Jean-Luc Nancy, too, speaks of disruption and vulnerability. He suggests that when we experience misalignment, the familiar self is undone, exposing us to new possibilities, but also to the uncanny. In therapy or intimacy, this moment of unworking forces us to confront the dissolution of a once-stable self and the creation of something new.
Interestingly, the uncanny doesn’t just manifest in relationships—it can also be seen on a neurological level. Our brain operates through waves, or oscillations, that help regulate everything from our emotions to our focus. When these brain waves fall out of sync, we may experience cognitive dissonance or emotional imbalance, which can feel much like the uncanny.
For example, when brain waves are misaligned during moments of stress or trauma, we may feel disconnected from our own thoughts and emotions. This is similar to the interpersonal misalignment when the once-familiar dynamic between two people becomes strained or unfamiliar.
Therefore, after a moment of uncanny misalignment, how do we realign? In relationships, the process of realignment often involves communication, reflection, and patience. Andrew Samuels, a prominent post-Jungian thinker, suggests that misalignment is a natural part of relationships. Open communication and mutual reflection help partners move beyond the rupture, leading to a deeper, more authentic connection.
From a personal perspective, the moment of uncanny misalignment in the therapeutic relationship is particularly potent. It is when the other truly feels the other, and both therapist and patient face an imminent decision: Will this unfamiliar terrain be explored, or will the distance be preserved? This critical juncture—the confrontation with the unknown—invites the possibility of profound transformation, both within the relationship and the individuals themselves.
Dragana Favre, Psychiatrist and Jungian Psychotherapist
Dr. Dragana Favre is a psychiatrist, psychotherapist, and a seeker of the human psyche's mysteries. With a medical degree and extensive neuroscience education from prestigious institutions like the Max Planck Institute and Instituto de Neurociencias, she's a seasoned expert. Her unique approach combines Jungian psychotherapy, EMDR, and dream interpretation, guiding patients towards self-discovery and healing. Beyond her profession, Dr. Favre is passionate about science fiction, nature, and cosmology. Her ex-Yugoslavian roots in the small town of Kikinda offer a rich backdrop to her life's journey. She is dedicated to helping people find their true selves, much like an alchemist turning lead into gold.
