Written by: Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“There’s no point. That dream died a long time ago.”
These words came from a young client of mine, only 30 years old. Her schooling and training were to prepare her for the very intense and competitive world of professional classical vocal performance – she’s been singing her entire life.
Now, after several years away from the professional circuit and a monumental move to another country, she questions whether her dream of singing was really her true dream. She hasn’t performed in over eight years and she’s frightened by the idea of training to audition for any vocal opportunity.
What happened? What killed that dream?
When we look back over our shoulder in the direction of the dream that didn’t happen, we can find all kinds of reasons why and all kinds of places to put the blame. The hopelessness that follows the failure of our desires materializing can be frustrating and painful … can even lead to depression if we let it.
Going to auditions and being turned down more than once can feel like the biggest failure in history. When we see our dream job in front of us and we apply for it, knowing in our hearts it’s the best job for us, then someone else is hired, we feel crushed. It’s hard to hold on to hope and the dream when powerful people are saying no to your desires. Over time, the desire begins to diminish, and we wonder what in the world we were thinking.
Failure is Part of Success
Let’s face it, failure is scary and the backlash emotionally, as I said earlier, can be devastating. We view the failure as a confirmation that we’re just not good enough – our self-esteem and worth take a beating and we see that we are the failure, not that we failed. It’s true that there has been a shift in psychology over recent years that encourages the need for failure in order to succeed. We recognize that what we consider failure is actually part of the process of succeeding. We have an opportunity to build our education in a hands-on way, a chance to learn from our mistakes, change what didn’t work, and try again.
Nevertheless, how many times do we hit the wall before we decide to let the dream go because no matter what we do, it’s not happening? When is it better to cut your losses and quit? Letting go is hard. My client spent years pursuing her dream of becoming an opera singer. She saw herself on stage, singing with other professionals, she worked hard to get there. That kind of investment is hard to give up and abandon.
Is It Bad to Quit?
It’s an interesting thing that we view failure so differently from quitting. Failure, while bitter, is almost praiseworthy. Failure is something that happens on the way to success. We admire and encourage people who have failed at their endeavors but keep ongoing. However, when someone quits, our tendency is to frown upon, be unsympathetic, or even indifferent toward them.
But what is really going on? Well, the bias against quitting will keep people in places they should have left long ago. Relationships that will never work out, jobs that suck the life from them, commitments that aren’t beneficial for them. The fear of quitting is like a gun to the head. People “stick it out” and they end up pouring their life energy into something they know they need to let go of – but the stigma of being a quitter is too daunting. The end result is a very large draw on their mental and emotional health.
It may surprise you to learn that in current psychological literature, goal abandonment is not considered a bad thing. When a goal, or dream, becomes unattainable, the benefits of quitting are a viable option. Truth told, failing repeatedly feels awful and is definitely a serious blow to a person’s self-esteem, no matter what we say and hear about failure being part of the road to success. Chronic failure drains a person mentally and physically.
Changing the paradigm, we can look at quitting as an opportunity to pursue meaning and growth in other areas, which can ultimately increase our sense of value and purpose. Still, determining that our dream is a pipe dream and unattainable is tough. Here is where we get to analyze our dream and decide whether the obstacles to reaching it are changeable or if we can even control those factors. The more we can control the success factors, the more likely our goals and dreams can materialize.
Time to Move On
In reality, we all have a number of things in our lives that we would like to refer to as dreams or goals. So, instead of focusing on the one that just doesn’t seem to be working out, the one that’s draining our mental, emotional, and physical energy, put more energy into the things we’re really good at, things that give us pleasure and provide a way to give back to life
In time, if we’re observant, we’ll notice that we can identify another dream that we’ve had and shelved in favor of pursuing the vapor cloud. Again, studies have shown that people who are able to make the shift into engaging in an alternative goal after abandoning one that was unattainable, enjoy great benefits to their mental and physical health. You see, you’re not quitting, you’re just replacing one goal or dream with another.
One last thing…
Anything that feels like a loss, something we’ve given up on, deserves to be mourned and buried. The important thing is to move on from there. A short mourning period is good, but continually digging up the corpse and ruminating on how, “If I’d only ….”, is only going to make us feel worse, not better. Leave it in the ground.
The bottom line: After you let it go, move forward with hope, energy, and enthusiasm for a new pursuit.
PS – If you’d like to learn more about what it takes to make dreams come true, be sure to follow me and check out my article in Brain Magazine next month.
Nurit Amichai, Executive Contributor, Brainz Magazine Nurit Amichai is a holistic therapist and life coach who provides individuals with an opportunity to strip away old, unproductive and damaging habits and create new, lasting behaviors that support the dynamic and powerful life they really want to live. As a result of a devastating illness, she set about rebuilding her body and life through nutrition and fitness. Realizing that wasn't enough, she entered the personal growth world where she allowed her truths to surface by giving herself permission to face and then release the pain and self-destructive behaviors she had harbored for so many years. This experience birthed the desire to share these lessons and gifts with others. She has merged all of the disciplines learned over decades — nutrition, fitness, and mental and emotional health — into the true passion of her life: to help people heal and gain optimal health, giving her clients the benefit of many years of learning and experience, coaching them and giving them tools for finding fulfillment and unleashing their own personal power.
