Written by: Nigel Beckles, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Ending a relationship can be difficult and painful for both parties involved. However, it can be particularly challenging when one person in the relationship is a Narcissist. Narcissistic individuals have a distorted sense of self-importance and often lack empathy, making the breakup process complicated and potentially harmful to their partner. In this article, we will explore some of the things a Narcissist may do at the end of a relationship and how to navigate this challenging situation.
The discard
The last step in a narcissistic relationship is discarding, which is when a Narcissist decides to end the relationship very abruptly. This can be particularly shocking and traumatic for their partner, who may feel confused and hurt by the sudden ending. Narcissists may discard their partner when they no longer serve a purpose or when they find someone else who meets their needs better. I experienced this several years ago, being discarded the day before Valentine’s Day. Narcissists are well known for cheating on their partners, and often have alternative sources of Narcissistic Supply.
This means the attention, admiration, validation, or other forms of emotional support that a narcissist needs from others to satisfy their constant need to be admired and validated. Narcissists rely heavily on these external sources of validation to maintain their inflated sense of self-importance and to regulate their self-esteem. They may use manipulative tactics to obtain narcissistic supply, such as charm, flattery, or even aggression, and may become enraged if not provided with the levels of supply they require. Narcissistic Supply can come from a variety of sources, including romantic partners, family members, friends, colleagues, or even strangers.
If you are ever discarded by a Narcissist and are struggling with your emotions, you should seek support, including professional help if necessary, and give yourself time to deal with your feelings. Remember that the sudden ending of a relationship by a Narcissist is not a reflection of your worth or value as a person.
Emotional baiting
This is a manipulative tactic that narcissists may use to provoke a reaction from their partner or other people around them. Narcissists often use emotional baiting to create drama or chaos, as they enjoy the feeling of control and power that comes from manipulating others’ emotions. Emotional baiting can take many different forms, such as making provocative statements, starting fights, or pushing a person’s buttons on purpose to get them to react strongly emotionally. Narcissists may also use emotional baiting to test their partner’s loyalty or to see how much control they have over them.
It’s important to remember that emotional baiting is a form of manipulation and is not a healthy or productive way to communicate. Setting firm boundaries and assertively expressing your needs are crucial if you believe that a narcissist is trying to manipulate you emotionally. Get help from friends you can trust or a mental health professional who can help you deal with this very toxic behaviour.
Blaming their ex-partner
Narcissists have a hard time accepting responsibility for their actions and may instead place the blame on their partner for the relationship’s failure. They may tell their partner that they are the reason the relationship is ending, even if this is not true. Narcissists may also make their partner feel bad about wanting to end the relationship by implying that they are being selfish or leaving them. If you are ending a relationship with a narcissist, it’s essential to remember that their behaviour is not your fault. Don’t let them make you feel guilty or responsible for their actions. Stay firm in your decision and focus on your own well-being.
Gaslighting
Narcissists use the manipulative technique of Gaslighting to make their partners doubt their own perceptions and experiences. They may deny things that have happened, twist the truth, or invalidate their partner’s feelings. (I also experienced this with my ex-partner during the Discard, with her claiming we had discussed not seeing each other, which was totally untrue.) This can make their partner feel confused, frustrated, and even question their own sanity. If a narcissist is Gaslighting you during a breakup, it’s crucial to trust your own experiences and not let them convince you otherwise. Seek support from friends and family who can validate your experiences and help you stay grounded.
Seeking revenge
Narcissists may feel angry or hurt by the breakup, and they may seek revenge on their partner as a result. They may spread rumours about their ex-partner, try to damage their reputation, or even take legal action against them. Revenge-seeking behavior can be harmful and destructive, so it’s essential to take precautions and protect yourself if you suspect your narcissistic ex-partner is seeking revenge.
Hoovering
Hoovering is a way for narcissists to try to get their ex-partners back after the breakup. The person I was involved with also tried this tactic a couple of years after we parted. They may contact their ex-partner, expressing regret or remorse for their behaviour, or making grandiose promises about changing. However, these efforts are usually short-lived, and the Narcissist will quickly return to their old ways once they have regained control. If a Narcissist tries to Hoover you up after a breakup, it’s essential to remember why the relationship ended in the first place. Don’t fall for their empty promises or allow them to manipulate you into taking them back.
Breaking up with a Narcissist can be very difficult, but it’s important to keep your own needs in mind and not let their behaviour affect you. Seek support from friends and family and, if necessary, from a therapist who can help you navigate this challenging situation. Remember that you are not responsible for their behaviour, and you deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.
Nigel Beckles, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Nigel Beckles is an Author, Certified Relationship Specialist & Coach, holds a Dealing With Narcissism Diploma and Psychology of Relationships Diploma. He is an Educator, Online Adviser and Workshop Facilitator. Nigel is a contributor to the award-winning documentary ‘Looking for Love’ available on DVD and online. He is also the creator of the podcast 'Interesting Conversations with Interesting People' featuring Interviews with Award-Winning Authors, Therapists & Relationship Life Coaches. All Podcasts Available @ Website: www.authornigelbecklespodcasts.com his work involves guiding men and women through difficult relationship issues.
Sources: 8 Things A Narcissist Does At The End Of A Relationship Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/what-to-expect-when-you-break-up-with-a-narcissist
Narcissist Break up Games: Reasons, Types & What to Do Rachael Pace 6 Oct, 2022 https://www.marriage.com/advice/mental-health/narcissist-break-up-games/
