Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As I keep coaching more older clients I’ve began to notice a disturbing trend – people start relating to them in a different way, slightly patronising and condescending, including being addressed by strangers by their first name without first asking for permission. Their opinions are not taken seriously, their choices ignored.
Older women often feel they’re in a weak position because they’re dependent on some of those people’s goodwill.
Let’s start close to home, my client’s family.
Their grown children, with a misplaced sense of obligation combined with love and worry, insist they move in with their family.
One particular client mentioned resisting at first but, eventually, having been worn down, she gave in.
That’s when the suffering began – for her and for her family.
The problems both sides had adjusting turned out to be far more serious than either side anticipated.
Her grandchildren had to give up their room and resented the new addition to the family, at least for several months.
Space became more limited and so she now has little privacy anymore.
In her case, things gradually improved but not for some of my other clients where tempers became frayed and communication suffered.
To be fair, as I mention to my clients, “you bear some of the responsibility”. You had misgivings from the beginning but chose to ignore them.
I did understand, however, that she didn’t know how to resist and she’d come to me only after the move.
She explained that the family had highlighted the benefits but never thought to bring up potential downsides and, with the benefit of hindsight, she realised she hadn’t asked the right questions or even explained clearly her concerns.
For anyone still considering whether or not to move, I urge them to think very carefully about what they would be giving up – convenient public transport, dentist, GP surgery, accessibility to shops, their privacy, their friends and, most importantly of all, their independence.
Sadly, it doesn’t stop there because some families begin to display some of the behaviours I mentioned at the beginning of this article – sometimes addressing them in a slightly patronising and condescending way, not taking their opinions seriously, ignoring their choices and, especially, their needs.
The problem is that each member of the family have their own lives to lead and that can leave the older person feeling lonely and isolated.
Here are two suggestions that will help.
1. Making friends
Making friends in later life is not always straight-forward but in England there is a nationwide organisation that offers groups for every kind of interest – the u3a (University of the Third Age).
Simply google u3a, (name of location)
2. Personal boundaries.
When I first bring up personal boundaries, I’m usually met with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.
At the moment, some of my clients deal with their children’s patronising behaviour (“Muuum, if I told you once I told you a thousand times!”) by making a joke out of it.
When I ask them if that changes their children’s behaviour, they invariably reply, no.
Sadly, almost all of them keep their feelings to themselves which is exactly what I also used to do.
But over time, I started wondering, “how are people going to know they hurt or upset me if I don’t tell them?” – like it or not, that’s where your personal boundaries come in.
3. Fear of conflict
One reason for the reluctance is the fear of conflict. “I hate confrontation!”, they wail.
But I learned something really important.
Conflict, far from destroying a relationship, can in fact, clear the air and prevent resentments from developing which may fester and damage the relationship anyway.
The trick is to communicate your feelings in a way they can hear without becoming defensive.
4, How to start
Here’s an exercise you might find useful.
Make a list of people who treat you unkindly
List the specific behaviours you do not like
Write down how you would like to be treated instead.
Now practise in front of the mirror, e.g. “I feel upset when you talk to me in that tone of voice.” Or “I feel ignored when you make decisions on my behalf. I’d like you to check with me first.”
After a while, if you’re like my clients, you will feel able to say that to the person him or herself.
Being clear about your personal boundaries makes it easier to tell the truth about how their behaviour makes them feel – hurt, upset, angry or offended but you have to be willing to ‘rock the boat’, meaning, willing to bring up the subject.
Rocking the boat is something women especially are discouraged from doing but it is a skill that every one of us has to learn as a matter of urgency.
If you’d like to stop unkind, thoughtless or inconsiderate behaviour but not sure how to start, I’m happy to offer you a one-hour complimentary coaching session with no strings attached.
It’ll give you the opportunity to slow down in a safe space and reflect how you would like to create the life that supports your needs.
Email me at sue@sueplumtree.com or call/text me at +44 7903 795027
You’ll have the opportunity to slow down and figure out how to start.
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’ is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015 aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship as well as how it affects our emotional, mental health, and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
