Katie Dixon is a psychotherapist and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Her areas of specialty include grief, complex relational trauma, self-image and anxiety disorders. Katie's mission is to support clients in identifying and exploring the possibilities that lead to lasting change and a more fulfilling life.
When someone you care about has experienced a loss, it can be difficult to know how to respond to the situation. You want to be supportive, but may not be sure of the right thing to say or do.
Here is the reality; nothing you say or do will alleviate the suffering your loved one is experiencing. When faced with this scenario, many people start pouring out platitudes in the hope that some abstract, impersonal concept will end up providing solace to a person who is heartbroken. This approach rarely has the intended effect. To the opposite extreme, some people may opt to avoid their loved one or conversations about their loss for fear or making things worse. People who fall into this camp may worry that broaching the topic of the loss will dredge up painful emotions during a time when their loved one may have found some reprieve. This is simply not the case. A person who has experienced a significant loss is already in a painful place even if they are not experiencing it to the fullest extent at any given moment. The feelings connected to their loss are likely ever present. Although your words and actions will not change the circumstances, they can make the difference between whether or not your loved one feels supported in their grief. While the following suggestions correlate with grief specific to a death, they can readily apply to any experience of loss.
What to do
1. Think sympathy and support
It is perfectly okay to acknowledge that you do not know what to say when someone shares the news that they have experienced a death or other significant loss. Be transparent.
Offer your sympathy and support. That is all you need to do at this moment. The following phrases may provide a useful framework for your initial response:
“I am so sorry you are going through this.”
“I am sorry this happened,” or, “I am sorry for your loss.” “There are no words.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“I know nothing I can say will change any of this, but please know I am here for you.”
Expressing uncertainty about what to say may feel lacking, but it is honest and prevents you from forcing an inauthentic response in an already uncomfortable situation. By focusing on offering sympathy and support, you create the space for your loved one to open up more or to change the topic depending on their emotional capacity at the moment. It is very important to allow your loved one to take the lead here.
2. Listen
This tip may seem simple enough, but it will require you to manage what you are feeling in order to truly listen to anything that your loved one is ready to share. If they decide they want to share details about their loved one’s passing, listen without asking too many questions initially. Let them convey the information they need to in the way that makes sense to them right now. There will be a time to learn more information. Allow them the opportunity to share stories or memories about their loved one. Listening intently without interruption or succumbing to the urge to respond is a rare gift that we can offer to others and ourselves in life’s most trying moments. You can always follow up with, “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
3. Share a brief memory or impression
It is often very comforting to share a positive memory or impression of the person who has died. It could be as simple as any of the following examples:
“I will always remember her kindness.” “I love to think of his contagious laugh.”
“She threw the best parties and made everyone feel welcome.”
Sharing these kinds of anecdotes conveys the impact that the deceased loved one had on your life. This offers a beautiful testament to what made this person unique in your eyes. There will be a time to share more detailed stories. When you first hear the news of a death, keep your impression short and meaningful. Your loved one will find solace in knowing that the person they lost touched the lives of others.
4. Offer practical help
Aside from the emotional disturbance caused by a significant loss, there is often so much to deal with practically and legally. People who are grieving can easily neglect their self-care and daily routines. Even the most mundane tasks can feel impossible in the midst of grief. You may be able to alleviate some pressure by offering practical help to your loved one during this tumultuous time. Examples of practical help could include preparing a meal or sending prepared food to your loved one’s home, offering to babysit, running errands or helping to clean their house. If you are not in a position to offer help in the form of a time commitment, you might consider ordering something for them from a grocery store or food delivery service. If you are not in a position to spend the extra money right now, a simple text or hand-written note will definitely let your loved one know you care and want to acknowledge what they are going through.
5. Follow up
People tend to receive a lot of support in the immediate days and even weeks after a death. Once any services have been held and family and friends stop dropping in for visits, the person mourning may begin to experience the loss more fully. At this point in their grief journey, they will be forced to confront the absence of their loved one in a more realistic way and acclimate to a new way of living. Understandably, this can also be the most vulnerable and lonely time in the wake of a loss. The best thing you can do periodically is say something along the lines of, “I am thinking of you.” or, “I want you to know that I have been thinking about (name of the person who passed).” Statements like these acknowledge that the person you care about is still grieving while creating the opportunity for them to simply thank you for the acknowledgment or to open up more about what they are feeling. A common fear is that bringing up their loss risks making them feel terrible. In truth, avoiding the subject altogether is usually what feels worse for people who are grieving.
6. Acknowledge your own feelings and seek out support
Hearing about a death can be unsettling and even shocking. It may stir up fears about your own death or those close to you dying in the future. Naturally, someone else’s loss can also elicit memories of the losses you may have experienced in your past. All of this can serve as a valuable reminder that life is precious, fleeting and uncertain. This is the perfect time to lean on your own network of support or to seek the help of a licensed therapist if you find the need to process deeper feelings, fears or existential questions.
What not to do
1. Resist the urge to “impart wisdom”
There is an innate instinct in us that wants to provide comfort by means of verbal reassurance when we see someone we love in distress. Try to avoid the misconception of offering comfort through uninspiring clichés as these ideas may not be universally accepted. Examples of
commonplace phrases shared in times of loss include,
“Everything happens for a reason,”
“God only gives you what you can handle.” “At least (so-and-so) is no longer suffering.”
In addition to these, any sentence that begins with “At least…” could potentially lead to your loved one feeling their experience of loss is being dismissed or minimized. These generalized concepts can also lead to feelings of guilt if they do not align with your loved one’s beliefs or what they are feeling at the moment. If your loved one ends up sharing any of these sentiments with you, that is proof that these ideas do provide comfort to some and you can certainly support that. If you decide to initiate these statements, however, there is a chance your loved one may be left feeling defensive or that there is a perceived right or wrong way to grieve. The odds are they may be grappling with how they should be feeling without any outside feedback.
2. Avoid asking a bunch of questions
Upon hearing of someone's loss, you may notice a surge of questions and, even fears, arising within you. It is perfectly natural to be fearful or even just curious. That being said, it is not appropriate to ask intrusive questions or request specific details to assuage your own fears or satisfy your curiosity. Chances are that your loved one has already been asked the same questions multiple times and has had to recount distressing details repeatedly. Offering your care and concern is the best thing you can do. Your loved one may open up and tell you more information or they may wait until a later time. They may never tell you and that is their prerogative. The details are privileged information and it is up to your loved one to decide when and how or even if they want to share them. This may be a tough one, but unless you are next of kin to the deceased, it is better to express that you are available to listen to anything your loved one is open to sharing.
3. Know the difference between sympathy and pity
No one likes to feel pitied even when they are going through the most terrible circumstance imaginable. There is a difference between feeling bad about the circumstances and feeling bad for a person. Sincere, heartfelt sympathy about the circumstances lets your loved one know that you fully acknowledge how hard the situation is, but that you trust their ability to get through it. Making it known that you feel so sorry for the person and how hard their life is right now may give off the impression that you do not see this person as capable of handling the situation and may even lead them to feel that you see them as pathetic. This may result in the person you care about withdrawing from you and not feeling comfortable about opening up in the future.
4. Hold back on sharing your own experiences of grief – for now
The established theme is that there will be a time to share more in the future. There is no disputing that relating through shared experiences is often cathartic. Sharing your personal encounters with grief will serve to let your loved one know that you understand what they are going through and that they are not alone in their experience. The moment they share their loss is not the time to bring up similar experiences that you have had. Again, there will be a time for that. For now, let this moment be solely about them and what they are going through.
5. Try not to second-guess yourself
Supporting someone through loss can feel daunting and may lead to over-thinking and
second-guessing. Remember, there is nothing you can do to ease your loved one’s suffering. The only thing you can do is offer your support as they navigate this painful time. If you are looking back on any past conversations and wishing you had handled them differently, stop! It is human nature to go over past scenarios and explore hypothetical outcomes that we assume would have been better. You can choose to learn and grow from every experience you have. Be kind to yourself and know that your simple act of caring is what matters most. Do the best you can in the moment you are faced with and follow your loved one’s lead.
Loss is an inextricable part of life and one that we often try to avoid thinking about. The day comes for each of us when we can no longer avoid confronting this reality. At some point, we will all be presented with an opportunity to support a loved one who is experiencing a loss and we will have our turn being the one in need of support. There is no script for how to handle these situations and there is no perfect response. Hopefully, this list of tips will help you feel better-equipped to offer support when you are faced with this situation in the future and to ask for what you need when you experience a loss.
Read more from Katie Dixon
Katie Dixon, Licensed Professional Counselor, Business Owner
Katie Dixon is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Healing in Action Counseling Services LLC. Through a number of personal and professional experiences, Katie realized that life's most difficult moments can lead to feelings of isolation when connection is often what is most needed. Her mission is to use the power of connection to help her clients heal from painful experiences while navigating their relationships with themselves and others from a place of greater compassion and understanding.
