Lisa Hansen offers a truly unique style of Mindset Coaching that powerfully blends Spiritual practices, Manifestation teachings, Somatic Release techniques, and practical Life Coaching skills. She has helped hundreds of clients feel empowered to manifest the life they dream about.
Your teenager walks through the door after being gone for hours. She throws her backpack down and heads straight to her room. You haven’t seen her all day and are naturally curious about how she is, how school was, and where she’s been. You yearn for connection and begin to initiate it by asking questions such as “How was your day?” and “Did you eat?” If you are annoyed because she’s been gone too long, you may even demand, “Where have you been?” or “Why didn’t you text me back?” She mumbles her short replies, and it doesn’t take long before she grunts, gets annoyed, and retreats to her room for the night. Sometimes, you may even get a slammed door. “Why doesn’t she ever talk to me anymore like she used to?” you wonder, feeling exasperated and completely shut out. This disconnection breaks your heart and leaves you feeling confused, frustrated, and disheartened.
Understanding your feelings
As your child enters the teen years, you may begin to feel more and more disconnected from them. You may feel hurt and crushed. Or you may feel frustrated. It’s common to want to blame someone for this - yourself, your teen, their friends, or your spouse. There is so much you want to know about your teen's life. You have so many unanswered questions. You yearn to be close like you have been for their entire lives up until now. You reminisce about how they would run off the school bus straight into your arms and chat your ear off, excited to see you and tell you all about their entire day! For many parents, it was their highlight of the day. Most parents unconsciously have a fantasy about how their relationship with their child will be as they get older, and if it doesn’t match the reality of what is happening, it can feel discombobulating. An invisible wall has gone up and you are grappling with managing your wide range of emotions about the shift in your relationship. You’ve tried so many different ways to connect, and nothing is changing. In fact, the distance between the two of you may get wider and wider.
It is imperative for you to know this is a common experience for the hundreds of parents I have coached. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. Your feelings are valid. There is nothing wrong with you, and there is nobody to blame. There is only space for understanding, learning, and healing. The fact that you have a desire to stay connected with your teenager shows how much you love and care for them. Improving your connection with your teen requires understanding what is happening, learning successful ways to reconnect, implementing the practices, and most of all, having lots of patience - with yourself and your teen. The good news is changing the dynamic is completely possible!
Understanding what is happening with your teenager
By the time your child is a teenager, they have been bombarded with questions, opinions, expectations, and judgments from the adults surrounding them their entire lives. They are overloaded and exhausted. Pause here for a moment and let the truth of that really sink in. They have felt controlled and have been on the receiving end of so many sermons from adults for the majority of their lives. All day long, they deal with school pressure both academically and socially, faltering self-esteem, social interactions, combating body odor, figuring out how they fit in with peer groups, their appearance and body image, hormonal fluctuations, a wide range of overwhelming emotions, anxiety about their futures and even more. They feel overwhelmed and have been dealing with so much internally every day. Even if they aren’t consciously aware of this, your teen feels disconnected from their own selves, so they disconnect from others. This shows up as rebellion, not doing chores, not talking, grunting, avoiding you, talking back, withdrawing, and staying in their room.
Your teen is not a problem. Your teen is having a problem. And that problem is figuring out who they are without you and how they fit in the world.
Changing your perspective
When your teenager shuts you out, instead of seeing it as an attack against you, shift your focus to seeing it as their path to self-discovery and finding empowerment. Understand that this path is a way for them to find their own voice and connect to their inner guidance. They have lost their way because of so much external influence and are trying to find their way back to their purpose for being here. Changing your perspective about their behavior from an attack against you, being difficult or disrespectful to one of compassion, curiosity, and understanding is the first step to connecting with your teenager. The more you learn how to navigate this developmental stage with patience and compassion, the more connected your relationship with them will be.
Rebellion or rejecting you is the teenager's way of saying I need to discover who I am without you. On some level, they are asking themselves, “Who am I without my mother? Without my father? What is it that I believe? What is it that I want to do with my life?” By this age, they are pretty sick of you, right? They are yearning to find their own voice, their own power, and their own autonomy. After all, do you like it when another tries to control you? Doesn’t it feel better when someone accepts you for who you are, however you are? By changing your perspective, relinquishing control, and taking a step back, you allow your teen the space for this imperative stage in life. And the added bonus is you will begin to feel better and less stressed, too!
Silence is the secret
Parenting teens is a spiritual practice in stillness. I am going to pause here again to let that fully sink in. Perhaps read it again.
When your teen makes an appearance in the morning, when you pick them up from school, or when they walk through the door, your job is to not say anything. When my Spiritual Teacher, Byron Katie, first taught me this, I was completely blown out of the water. “You mean not say anything at all?!” I exclaimed. Let me tell you, it is such a challenge not to say anything! At first, I thought it was an impossible task. I was constantly biting my tongue and making mistakes. Yet, it's the one spiritual teaching that changed my relationship and created more connection with my daughter.
Silence is the magical key to connection. If you want your teen to keep talking and sharing the details of their lives with you, you have to learn to keep quiet. Resist the urge to interrupt. Teens will only keep talking when they aren’t bombarded with questions and feel they won’t be judged or preached to. The last thing any teenager wants is to feel they are going to get a sermon every day. The more they feel this way, the more they will reject you, push you away, and shut down.
Stillness is the practice of learning how to tune into your teen's energy without words. Trust they will initiate conversation. Resist the urge to ask questions, preach, teach, give advice, or share. Like many parents, you are most likely attached to wanting to know how their day was and how they are feeling immediately upon seeing them. When they grunt or say leave me alone, you most likely get upset and take it personally. What you aren’t realizing is they are indeed communicating with you. The translation of these behaviors is: you are too much for me, you don’t understand me and I am feeling overwhelmed. The disconnection gap gets even greater when parents mistake this behavior as rude or disrespectful. This is because you mistakenly believe connection is created through words. But to a teenager, your calm, quiet presence is what creates connection. When a teen enters a quiet, safe, non-intrusive, energetically clear space, they feel safe. Safe from judgment, criticism, and interrogations. My daughter used to constantly say to me, “What is this, an interrogation?” By paying closer attention to her words, I was able to self-reflect, realize she was right, and change my approach. Teens can only begin to relax from all the pressures of the external world when they are met with stillness. Your energy matters. Your words just get in the way, especially in the form of questions.
How asking your teen questions is creating disconnection
Asking a teenager questions activates overwhelming thoughts within them. It makes them have to think when they have already been overthinking all day long. By this age, questions annoy them and make them feel self-conscious. When a teen responds with “I don’t know,” they are communicating to you that they are unable to access the answers because they are feeling overwhelmed inside and are on input overload.
I understand how hard not asking questions will be. And, of course, I am not talking about never asking questions. I am referring to the strategic timing of your questions. The timing matters and is best saved for when your teen initiates conversation first after a period of your quiet presence. When your teen initiates conversation first, they are showing you they are settled enough internally to engage. I suggest to all my clients that they try to wait at least 10 minutes for stillness to be created before talking. Then, try to only say or ask one thing at a time. Pay attention to the desire within you to bombard them with all of your questions at once!
The only way to discover the shift this practice will have on your relationship with your teen is to try it out and practice. I still remember the first time I put this into practice. My daughter and I ate breakfast in complete silence. Not gonna lie, I felt completely awkward. Afterward, while I was doing the dishes, she came up to me from behind and gave me the biggest hug, saying, “Thank you, Mom, I love you.” Success! Countless parents I have coached have reported similar experiences. The timing of when it will happen will be different for each family, but watch for the little signs of connection and celebrate each win along the way. Some families see a difference rather quickly, while others may take weeks or even months. It will depend on how wide the communication gap is between you and your teen. Be gentle with yourself and have patience.
This practice also requires that you enter trust. Trust that when your teen wants your opinion, guidance, or advice, they will come to you. But only if you have done the internal work of entering stillness and have let go of your agenda. Every human wants to feel heard, seen, and understood. Your teen's behavior of shutting you out is their way of communicating to you that they don't feel seen, heard, or understood and are feeling their voice doesn’t matter. Silence is the practice that bridges that gap of disconnection. Once there is more connection established, most parents find their teenager will share more with them.
What your teen really needs from you
As your child enters the later teen years, taking a step back and staying out of their business allows them the space for self-discovery and autonomy. When you scale back from your need to know every detail of their life, it sends a non-verbal message that you trust them to handle their own life. This was definitely hard for me personally, as I was so used to knowing so much about my daughter’s life and giving my advice. The truth is not knowing about her life as much as I used to empowered her to find her way. Teens need to make their own decisions and live with the natural consequences of those decisions. Of course, you can still guide them, but remember they do not want to hear your opinions or lectures any longer. Once you have established reconnection through silence and the art of listening, trust they will come to you when they need your input. They will also feel more comfortable and safe coming to you when you have practiced dropping judgment and criticism.
This essential developmental stage is the time for your teen to practice autonomy, find their voice, and make mistakes. As parents, our role is to learn to trust them. Allow them to make mistakes. The practice becomes one of embracing their mistakes as lessons and accepting them as they are. Stop demanding to be the main attraction, the spotlight in their lives. The most fruitful gift you can give your teenager is to allow them to individuate and empower them to make their own decisions. When parents learn how to do that, they send teens out into the world who are ready to navigate challenges, make wise decisions, and trust their gut. They aren't afraid of failing and trying again, for they have learned this is the way of life. The only exception is if they are in a red flag territory, such as eating disorders, stealing, cutting, addictions, or suicidal language. In these cases, you must intervene and seek professional help right away.
6 helpful tips for putting this into practice
1. Meditation
Learning how to get still internally will require a meditation practice. But don’t worry, even 5 minutes a day will make a difference! There are many apps, such as Calm or Insight Timer, as well as free Guided Meditations on YouTube. I find people don’t meditate or stick with it because they have mistakenly been taught that the goal is to stop thoughts. That is not the goal. The point of meditation is to meet your thoughts with kindness and curiosity. By getting to know your thoughts, you are getting to know yourself. See your thoughts and notice them like clouds going by. Get curious about what is going on inside your head. Once you sit with your thoughts on purpose for a few minutes, you can begin to take your attention away from them and focus on your breath. For most people, I recommend finding a Guided Meditation that brings you to enter your body and get in touch with your feelings.
2. Breathwork
Research has shown that breathwork calms the part of the brain called the amygdala, or lower brain. Meditation does this too, as well as Somatic Exercises and Yoga. In my practice, I find breathwork is the easiest for clients to do, plus it can be practiced anywhere you are! When the amygdala is dysregulated, it leads to the fight or flight response, over-worrying, and anxiety.
When your lower brain is on overdrive, your higher brain, called the prefrontal cortex, goes offline. Why is this a problem? Because you need to utilize your higher brain to reason, control impulses, choose responses thoughtfully, problem-solve, and remain in a calm state. When you learn how to calm the amygdala, your nervous system becomes regulated, and communication with others, especially your teen, will be much more effective. There are many types of breathwork you can find online. I recommend starting with Box Breathing.
3. Know your triggers
Triggers are valuable gifts. You can only truly know yourself by how you react to others and the external circumstances of the world. This phase of parenting a teenager is a chance to go within and ask yourself self-reflecting questions. Many wisdom teachers call this practice self-inquiry: What is coming up within me? What is causing me to feel this way? What is coming up for healing? What am I here to learn at this moment? Getting still and checking in with what is going on with your inner dialogue and feelings is the pause you need so you don’t vomit your unhealed woundedness onto your teen. What actually happens when you are triggered is that the other mirrors your unhealed wounds back to you. Your teenager yearns for you to see them for who they are, not who you want them to be. A skilled Parenting Coach can help you unpack all of this and identify your triggers.
4. The art of listening
When your teen starts talking, this is your opportunity to connect! But this opportunity is often missed or short-lived because parents get excited, interrupting with a barrage of questions, or information. You will know this has happened when in the middle of the conversation your teen says nevermind and shuts down.
This is where listening comes in. Repeat in your head: “My only job right now is to practice listening.” This is the time to let go of your expectations and agenda and pay attention instead. Truly pay attention to every word they say. Only when you drop your agenda will you be able to tune in, observe their energy, and notice non-verbal cues. It is impossible to do this if you are talking and not giving space for them to talk. Let go of the urge to interrupt, preach, teach, or share. Release the need to control the conversation and enter curiosity instead. This is the time to watch your mind. Notice the questions, the criticisms, and the desire to give your opinion arise within you, and stop. Learn the art of saying, “Tell me more about that,” or simply nodding as you practice listening. Your teen will gradually begin to feel heard, seen, and understood and feel safer opening up to you.
This is absolutely not easy! Few of us are skilled listeners. You may want to practice with friends, other family members, and co-workers to strengthen your skill of listening. Once you have practiced listening to your teen, move onto the validating stage.
5. Become good at validating
Every human yearns to be seen, heard, and validated. At our core, our greatest concern is that we are not good enough. When we validate our children’s feelings and life experiences, we send a message that we see them and honor them exactly as they are. It lets them know you think they are worthy and good right now and don’t need to change to be the recipient of your love and acceptance.
Practice saying things such as: I hear you. That sounds like a lot. All that must be so hard. I can tell you are juggling a lot. I see how hard you are working. I can imagine it all feels so exhausting. I can tell how overwhelmed you must feel. I trust you. You got this. Let’s do this your way. I would love to hear more about that. I can’t imagine what all that feels like to you.
This is how to empower your teen to begin to honor their feelings and trust themselves. When you show your teen you trust them, they will begin to develop trust within themselves and with you. This is a beautiful foundation as they enter adulthood.
6. Practice empathy
Empathy goes hand in hand with validating. You can take it a step further by intentionally looking for opportunities to validate, followed by empathizing. Validating shows them you are listening and have a desire to understand them. Empathy creates an even deeper connection by showing them you do understand them. And teens often don’t feel understood at all. Empathy is a way of normalizing what they are going through because teens often feel isolated in their struggles and that something must be wrong with them.
Practice saying things such as: If that happened to me, I would also feel that way. When I’ve gone through tough times, I’ve also felt frustrated. That would make me feel sad, too. Repeat back the same feeling they have expressed to you. Resist the urge to share a story about yourself. Keep it about them.
Knowing when it’s your time to talk
Once you’ve established a connection with your teen and are seeing results, it is time for you to start engaging more. Whenever your teen initiates a conversation, start with the intent to listen, understand, and validate, followed by introducing one subject at a time, watching for signs of overwhelming them.
It is important to check your body language first before engaging. When you are calm, this says, “I am not here to fight you. We are in this together. I am on your team”. But when you are dysregulated with anxiety, fear, worry, or anger, they will pick up on that and not feel safe to share, communicate, or process their emotions with you. They will shut down again. Learn how to delay the urgency of addressing situations immediately whenever possible. Most things can wait and communication will be more productive when you approach with a calm, present energy.
While conversing with your teen, practice saying things such as: “I have something to share, would you like to hear it?” or “I have some advice about that if you would like to hear it,” or “I have some questions to ask you, is now a good time?” Respect when they say not now, but also don’t give up. This isn’t about giving all the power away to your teen. It isn’t about you having all the power, either. It's about balance and co-creating an atmosphere of mutual respect and reciprocity. If your teenager continues to shut you out, go back to the strategies and try again. If those aren’t working after about three months, consider hiring a Parenting Coach or Therapist.
Still struggling with connecting to your teen?
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Read more from Lisa Hansen
Lisa Hansen, Life Coach, Conscious Parenting Coach & Spiritual Mentor
Lisa Hansen has over 20 years of experience as a Life and Mindset Coach, Conscious Parenting Coach, and Spiritual Mentor. She believes anyone is capable of manifesting the life they truly want to be living, whether it’s to feel a greater sense of purpose, earn more money, improve their relationships, or become a more peaceful parent. Her passion is empowering women to live confidently, intuitively, and authentically. She helps her clients shed self-limiting beliefs, end self-sabotage, overcome their inner critic, and transform their lives into one full of self-love, self-acceptance, and empowerment.
