Written by: Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
One of the things I didn’t anticipate when I started my free Meetup events is people sharing heart-breaking stories about their marriages and relationships.
When I ask them why they stay, the most common answer is they are financially dependent.
“At least, some say, I have a roof over my head.”
I felt really distressed when one man, said something similar despite having suffered verbal abuse for nearly 20 years. He confided that he was now in his early 60s, with his confidence shattered.
Leaving a long-term relationship is difficult at the best of times but, when the choice is between abuse and financial hardship, what would you choose?
This is a question I can’t answer because, when I decided to leave my marriage of 37 years when I was 60 at least I had a job.
So what would I say to those of you trapped in a loveless relationship?
I would certainly not give you advice because every situation is different but what I would do is suggest the following.
I know it’s easy to say but think of the years still ahead of you – how would you like them to be? What would your life be like if nothing changes? How would you feel? Who would you become under the weight of unhappiness?
If money is an issue then I would urge you to start saving starting right now.
You’ll feel more confident and good about yourself knowing you’re doing something for yourself even if saving enough to buy your freedom is a long way away.
The point is taking action, any action instead of resigning yourself to a life of ongoing unhappiness and suffering.
But what about the lure of your comfort zone?
The problem with making changes that could lead to a happier life is the hold that our comfort zone has on us.
People often ask me why I stayed in my first marriage as long as I did which is a great question.
I used to make a joke of it saying, “I’m a slow learner!”
Later, when I tried to be honest, I’d say, “It’s complicated” (which it was).
I’d say things like, “One reason is I loved him” (which I did for a very long time), “another reason is that I’d never lived alone before and I was scared I’d feel lonely and isolated” (which was true), and “It never occurred to me that I could actually leave” (which, believe it or not, was also true).
I think the last one comes closest to the truth.
I’d never had a serious relationship before I met Bill so I couldn’t imagine not being married to him.
37 years is a long time and the idea of uprooting myself to move towards the unknown never occurred to me.
At least I lived a life that was familiar to me. Even the pain, the sadness and the loneliness was part of that familiarity.
If somebody had asked me what a happy and fulfilled life would look like I would have had to admit I had no idea.
Such is the pull of the comfort zone where the Gremlin, our negative inner critic, lives.
And then, a few days ago, I had a flash of insight.
When we’re unhappy it’s practically impossible to imagine what happiness and fulfilment would look like for us.
That is a journey of discovery.
Leaving a relationship is a huge step, a step that changes who we are, and that’s a gradual process.
We can’t ever be free of our comfort zone but we can expand it
When I finally decided to leave my marriage when I was 60 it was a decision that changed me fundamentally.
I went from being a victim to being empowered.
I went from feeling fearful to becoming courageous.
I went from feeling hopeless to feeling hopeful.
I started taking risks.
I moved beyond the fear of the unknown and embraced ambiguity – a huge step for somebody who craved security and the familiar.
I risked asking for help not knowing if I’d get a yes or a no.
I put myself on the line when I got a no and, instead of retreating as I used to do, I asked someone else. Even better, I learned to do more myself.
There came a point when the momentum kept carrying me along.
I started telling people the truth instead of projecting a false image of confidence and success as I used to do believing it would get people to like me when, in reality, the opposite was true.
When I made myself emotionally vulnerable and shared how things were really like for me I discovered to my surprise that this encouraged people to also share their truth.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Nevertheless, it’s fair to say that the struggle against the pull of the comfort zone including the Gremlin with its whispers of fears and self-doubts, of unnamed dangers ahead and the lure of the familiar was hard.
But you might be one of those people who had the courage to leave your marriage and are ready for love again.
The problem now is a different one. You earned your freedom the hard way and created a new life for yourself which is great.
But there is a downside which I realised when somebody I was talking to the other day said they would like to find love again but they would have to accept that she was set in her ways and they would have to adapt to her.
But finding the right partner for you requires an open mind and an open heart instead of fear of change and disruption.
Clinging to the familiar is unlikely to get you what you say you want, assuming you really want love.
That doesn’t mean you have to give up who you are.
It means facing your fears – because it’s fear that keeps us in our comfort zone.
It means changing our mindset from fixed to open.
It means realising that we’re not cast in stone but that we can change and grow, that we’re a work in progress.
But it requires the willingness to make ourselves uncomfortable, to experiment, to learn new things, to talk with people who are different from us, to listen to different opinions without believing that ours is the only one as I used to try and impose mine on Bill.
Most of all, it’s a journey of discovery – about ourselves and the world.
If you’re curious enough to want to know more, why don’t you join my next online Meetup event – ‘How To Recognise The Right Partner For You’ – on Wednesday, 7 December for 1-1/2 hours starting at 6 pm GMT?
Google Meetup, search ‘Create Your Perfect Relationship Group’ and register.
On reflection, it would be great to have a virtual coffee/tea/hot chocolate and get to know you a little bit first. Are you up for it?
If you are, choose a suitable date/time from my calendar.
I look forward to chatting with you.
Sue Plumtree, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sue’s passion is to enable people to build strong and loving relationships.
Her third book, ‘Open Your Heart: The 7 Secrets Of Strong And Loving Relationships’, is getting 5* reviews on Amazon.
Sue was unhappily married for 37 years when she finally left aged 60.
Over the following 10 years, she built a successful coaching practice working with people over 50, wrote her autobiography, and built solid friendships.
In December 2015, aged 70, she met Dave, her best friend, lover, soulmate, and now her husband.
As a prolific writer and regular blogger, Sue shares her painfully acquired wisdom about what works and doesn’t work in a relationship, as well as how it affects our emotional, and mental health and wellbeing.
She also loves writing about how to build strong, loving, and long-lasting relationships both from personal experience as well as research articles and longitudinal studies.
Sue is a personal relationship coach, trainer, facilitator, and published author.
