What’s Really Causing Emotional Distance in Your Relationship After Kids and How to Fix It
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 3
- 5 min read
Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a licensed psychologist specializing in parenthood and relationship dynamics. With over 16 years of experience, she brings a holistic and compassionate approach to mental and emotional wellness, supporting parents in reconnecting to themselves, their partners, and their dreams so that the entire family system can thrive.
You love your partner. You both love your child. And yet, if you’re honest, it feels like you’re living beside each other, not with each other. You share a lot: responsibilities, a home, your child. But are you sharing what matters?
Emotional distance is one of the most painful and least talked-about experiences in a relationship after having children. As a psychologist and relationship coach for parents, I’ve supported countless couples through this invisible drift.
Statistics show that over two-thirds of couples experience marital dissatisfaction in the first year postpartum, which continues to influence their bond in the second year after the baby’s arrival, albeit to a lesser degree.
While it may feel disheartening to know that so many couples go through this, there is good news: There’s nothing wrong with you. This is part of the process.
Still, there are some things you need to understand and (pro)actively do so you can begin to find your way back to each other. The rift will not go away on its own. If left unattended, it will only continue to grow.
What is emotional distance in a relationship?
Before addressing it, it’s important to understand what emotional distance is and what it looks like. Many believe that the main indicator is constant arguments. However, it’s deeper and broader than that. It’s a void that’s created.
Emotional distance happens when the relational thread between two people loosens. You still function as co-parents and roommates, getting the day-to-day logistics sorted, but the emotional pulse of the relationship starts to fade. You stop turning toward each other. You stop asking real questions. You feel more like colleagues than partners.
While this is not proof that your relationship is doomed to fail, nor the commonly held belief that the bond was never strong to begin with, it is a sign that your connection needs tending to, urgently and gently.
Why parenthood makes this distance so common
Parenthood is a beautiful upheaval. It doesn’t just shift your schedule; it reshapes your identity, your brain wiring, your nervous system, and your capacity. If you don’t actively work to update your relationship in light of those shifts, it gets lost in the shuffle.
Here are some of the most common reasons I see emotional distance set in:
Identity changes (matrescence & patrescence)
Both partners are changing, morphing into a new version of themselves as they enter parenthood, but they don’t vocalize any of the shifts. This way, they begin to grow in parallel without truly meeting.
Mental and emotional overload
The relentless to-do list, the mental load, and the invisible labor leave no space for playfulness, curiosity, or closeness.
Resentment and unspoken expectations
One or both partners begin to feel unseen, unsupported, or unfairly burdened. Yet, there is no real conversation about it. As a result, resentment builds in the background, eroding the relationship one disappointment at a time.
Lack of appreciation
In the haze of exhaustion and survival mode, many couples stop acknowledging the good in each other. Sometimes, appreciation is even consciously withheld, and there’s a silent fear that expressing gratitude might signal, “I’m fine, I don’t need more help,” when in reality, one partner may already feel overburdened. But the absence of acknowledgment doesn’t protect. Over time, it breeds resentment, fuels contempt, and chips away at the motivation to show up for each other.
Intimacy fades into logistics
If every conversation is about nap schedules and bills, there’s no space left for “How are you, really?” Intimacy doesn’t vanish, but it is starved.
Signs you’re experiencing emotional distance
You don’t need to be in crisis to be disconnected. Emotional distance often whispers before it shouts. Here’s what it might sound like:
You feel more like co-parents or roommates than romantic partners.
Conversations feel functional, not meaningful.
You rarely make eye contact or engage in physical affection.
You feel lonelier with your partner than you do when you’re alone.
You can’t remember the last time you laughed together.
If you are identifying with any or many of these, that’s fine. You are not in the wrong, and neither is your partner. It’s important to put the blame game to rest so that we can see what matters: re-converging our paths.
How to begin rebuilding the bridge
Let’s start by saying that you don’t need a grand gesture or a breakthrough conversation to start feeling close again. What matters most is intention: choosing to show up, in small ways, for the love you’ve both potentially taken for granted.
1. Name the disconnection without blame
Start with vulnerability instead of an accusation. Try:
“I miss feeling close to you. I know we’ve both been stretched thin. Can we talk about how we’re doing, not just how the baby’s doing?”
Openness creates safety, while blame creates shutdown.
2. Bring back the mini-moments
Connection doesn’t require candlelit dinners. It lives in tiny gestures:
A lingering hug
A touch
Eye contact
A 2-minute “How are we doing today?” check-in
The little moments are the big moments.
3. Reintroduce curiosity
Who are you now? Who is your partner now?
You are both inevitably changing. So, relearn each other!
Ask something unexpected:
“What’s something that surprised you about yourself as a parent?”
“What do you daydream about lately?”
“What’s one thing I did this week that made you feel close to me?”
We fall in love through curiosity. We stay in love through sustaining that curiosity.
4. Repair instead of retreating
If the disconnection has led to arguments, don’t wait for things to get unbearable before you repair it. A simple “Hey, I don’t want us to stay upset with each other” can open the door. The goal is to create the grounds for mutual willingness to take the first step.
What if it’s more than just distance?
Sometimes, emotional distance is a symptom of something deeper, like longstanding resentment, contempt, or ongoing emotional neglect. If that’s where you are, there is no need to panic, but you cannot ignore it either.
Getting support matters. Whether it’s a couples therapist, a relationship coach, a targeted workshop, or a well-designed challenge or course that helps you reconnect, what matters most is that you don’t stay stuck in the silence or the wishful, yet deceitful, belief that things will iron out on their own with time.
You don’t have to figure this out alone. There are tools, professionals, and communities ready to walk alongside you. Reach out to someone. Your relationship is worth it.
You’re changing
Emotional distance after having kids is not an indication that your relationship is doomed. It’s a yellow light, a moment to slow down, check in, and recalibrate. It means you’re evolving. And your relationship has to evolve, too.
It’s never too late to turn toward each other, even if it’s just one small moment at a time.
Not sure where your relationship stands right now?
Take the free Post-Baby Marriage Audit Quiz to uncover where you’re strong, where you’re slipping, and what to do next to reconnect.
Read more from Markella Kaplani
Markella Kaplani, Parenthood & Relationship Coach | Psychologist
Markella Kaplani, M.A., is a multi-passionate, restless soul passionate about discovering the depths of the psyche and what makes us whole. In her quest to support people along their journey for better mental and emotional health, Markella is a dedicated lifelong learner. She holds an M.A. in Clinical-Counseling Psychology (M.A.), but also specializes in child psychology, special education, couple's therapy, and motherhood psychology, which provides her with a holistic perspective of the family system, both internally and externally. With her non-judgmental, culturally sensitive, and compassionate approach, she marries facts with each unique person's experience to create interventions that speak to their individuality.
