Written by: Calvin Niles, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In December 2020, while the world was still held in the stifling grip of lockdowns, a plot was brewing to stop the feminisation of men in China. First, it was quietly making waves in the education system followed by the banning of "effeminate" men in entertainment a year later. But what does it mean to be a man in today’s world? And more pertinently, what stories do we tell ourselves about our own masculinity?
We have heard of such terms as toxic masculinity and patriarchal societies where male-dominated systems and behaviours are harmful not only to men but also to wider society. Yet the true harm, the true self-harm comes not from our external world, but from our internal worlds. Our individual experiences and the stories we tell ourselves are driven by our desires, yes, and by those things we most want to avoid. It is of those things I speak, those things lurking in the shadow, behind the narratives that we create and internalise. So, what can we, as men, do to demolish those poison-pillars that hold up the destructive stories we keep? What can we do to change our perspectives and write bolder, better narratives for our lives? Here’s how:
1. Relinquish your pride
“Pride cometh before the fall” goes the old biblical saying. Or in other words, pride isn’t exactly as helpful as we think. We are conditioned to hold very particular ideas about our identity: who we are, our societal roles as professionals, partners, parents and so on. Then, when life predictably throws at us the flaming arrows of pain, our pride deafens us to the message that the pain holds, and it blinds us to the obvious; pride serves us as well as a chocolate teapot. In the story of The Sun Rises in Eastmoor, the main character Leo Vincent faces such a crisis of pride. He epitomes the many of us who are caught in its grip, still unable and - in many ways - unwilling to see, hear, feel and name what is truly alive in him. We cannot see and hear anything when pride is in the way.
2. Face your pain
Have you ever tried to approach an injured animal? An injured animal is often in survival mode. It is in terrible pain, and it is scared. The combination of pain and fear poses the greatest risk to others approaching it. Similarly, people who are hurting will hurt others around them. In simpler terms, hurt people hurt people. Mindfulness teaches us that while the first arrow causes pain, the suffering that follows, often called the second arrow, is self-inflicted. Rather than facing the pain, we inflict further pain on ourselves and then the ones we love (and then everyone else). If we can allow ourselves to feel what is already there, rather than psychologically try to push it away, then we can courageously face the reality of the present moment, before moving into more constructive ways of being.
3. Let go
Is what you are holding on to stopping you from being free? Renown Mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn once told a story of how Indian farmers would catch monkeys with coconuts. The farmers would tie a coconut to a tree, cut a hole in the coconut that was just big enough for a monkey’s hand to fit through and then place a banana inside the coconut. When a monkey comes to get the banana, it would stick its hand through the coconut to grab it. But when holding the banana, its clenched fist would not return through the hole for the monkey to get away with its prize; the monkey gets stuck. Because it refuses to let go of the banana, the farmers could capture it easily. If the monkey had just let go, it would be free. You may find that we aren’t all that different from monkeys, holding on to things that keep us trapped. We hold on to the past reminding ourselves of what we could have done, should have done or how badly we have been wronged. We even hold on to the future, telling ourselves what should happen, must happen and needs to happen. Yet it pays to let go, for only then can we truly be free.
So, let us recognise the three poison-pillars: 1. pride, 2. avoidance and 3. holding on, and consider that they may be supporting destructive stories in our lives. Let us also recognise that it takes courage to attend to these pillars consistently and with compassion. Oh, and one more thing, while I address “men” in this article, these poison-pillars are universal limitations and do not affect men alone. If you:
Are very quickly hurt or offended
Easily irked by what you would have once considered petty
Absolutely hate being directed or told what to do
Cannot accept being corrected in any way
When you suffer acute embarrassment when being rebuked or criticised
When you are always very defensive for things that you would have once laughed off
When you are constantly finding flaws in yourself and others
Then maybe it’s time to make a change.
For more on the story of Leo Vincent, a thirty-something man at an emotional dead-end who is desperate for a way out, buy the author’s new book, The Sun Rises in Eastmoor here.
Follow Calvin for more on stories, mindfulness, and poetry on his YouTube channel, connect with him on Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn or visit his website for more.
Calvin Niles, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Calvin Niles is a communication coach known as The Mindful Storyteller, making a positive impact on the lives of leaders, entrepreneurs, coaches, and wider society through his services and products. Through his experience in mindfulness, storytelling, coaching, and business, he empowers others to be authentic and impactful in their communication. Calvin has worked with hundreds of people from leaders in large corporates to SMEs, and from solopreneurs to some of the top 10 charities in the UK.
