Written by: Liz Merrill, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders did not recognize Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) until 1980. The tale of Narcissus and his co-dependent gal, Echo, however, was first recorded by the Roman poet Ovid in the year 8 AD.
The story goes thusly: Echo gets on the wrong side of Venus (a whole different story), who curses her by making her only able to finish sentences she had started and unable to speak on her own. (Do you see where I'm going with this?) So, she’s roaming about in the woods one day, like you do, when she comes across the epically attractive Narcissus on a hunting expedition. She wants to call him but can't (curse you, curse!). Luckily for her, Narcissus gets separated from his buddies. He starts yelling out "Is anyone there?", thus allowing her to start a conversation with him by continuing his phrase. They meet, she throws herself at him, but to her horror, he turns her down. Because this seems to be the way of the world. This results in her doubling down on her amorous efforts and falling even more in love with him (sound familiar?).
Eventually, she wanders off and dies alone in a cave. It’s very sad.
Narcissus, however, had a slew of young ladies fall in love with him. He was charming, handsome, and clearly very appealing…In the end, however, he only cared about himself. And guess what? He perished staring at himself in a pool of water, unable to see or love anybody else. Poets and painters, playwrights and composers have all been fascinated by the story since then. As well as psychologists.
Heinz Kohut invented the term "narcissistic personality disorder" in 1968, so it really hasn't been recognized as a disorder for very long. Since then, there's been a lot of debate in the scientific world about whether it's genuinely a thing, if it can be diagnosed, whether it's part of something else, how it's diagnosed, and so on.
However, if you Google "narcissism," you'd never know it — it's a huge buzzword these days. Everybody knows a narcissist, and every divorce involves one: narcissism appears to have become a catch-all term meaning "asshole." And we've all met a few of them.
So, what exactly is narcissism? Is it just a trendy buzzword, or is it an age-old story told in families all across the world and only recently acknowledged as a real, diagnosable condition? Welp. I'm afraid I won't be able to tell you that. However, I can assure you that if you speak with folks who are going through a divorce, you will find proof of it all over the place. And people are starting to notice how it plays out behind closed doors, as well as the long-term damage it may cause to families.
It can be diagnosed clinically by identifying at least 5 of the DSM-5's 9 features, albeit only a small percentage of people are really diagnosed with it. NPD affects between 0.5 and 1% of the general population (50 to 75 percent of men), according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. This might be frustrating for those who are being abused by someone who is clearly narcissistic, because even if a person isn't officially diagnosed with NPD, that doesn't stop a narcissist from abusing a spouse.
Here are some characteristics associated with narcissists. I'm sure we all know someone who possesses one or more of these characteristics, but a narcissist possesses the most of them:
Grandiosity is a pervasive pattern (making themselves appear impressive)
Desire for adoration
Power fantasies, success fantasies, beauty fantasies, or an exaggerated view of love fantasies
A feeling of being entitled
Belief in one's own specialness, uniqueness, or high status
Empathy for others is lacking
A proclivity to take advantage of others
Arrogant attitude
You can face gaslighting, emotional abuse, being ignored, or being made into a villain if you're in a relationship with a narcissist. You can feel as if you're going insane, or as if you're always walking on eggshells. You may find yourself wanting to record your chats so that you can listen to what was actually stated later. You may believe that you will never be able to escape or have your own thoughts or experiences. Despite your efforts to love and support, you may feel like poor Echo, denied the right to speak for yourself, unseen and unwanted.
It's a disaster.
If you are playing Echo to the Narcissus in your life and need support, let me know. I run workshops and work with individuals who need help. We'll go through how to spot a narcissist, how to communicate and bargain with one, how to establish healthy boundaries, and what to do when you're ready to leave one. Because you've only got one voice - and you should use it!
You can contact me here to learn more: www.openspacemediation.com
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Liz Merrill, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Liz Merrill is a Mediator and a Divorce Coach with a specialization in High Conflict and Narcissistic relationships. She lectures regularly on high conflict divorce strategies and is a sought-after speaker and podcast guest. She also engages in regular pro bono work for families who are experiencing financial hardship and offers pro bono services through various nonprofits and the Colorado Court system. Her understanding of psychological and physiological reactions to trauma, conflict, and anxiety brings a holistic approach to her work with families caught in the High Conflict cycle. After her own litigious high-conflict divorce, she saw the need for a holistic approach to divorce mediation, which included non-violent communication skills, managing trauma, and an understanding of how personality traits and personality disorders create high conflict in a divorce. When she started working as a mediator for the courts, she discovered how badly equipped most divorce professionals are to manage the specific needs of people in high conflict relationships and how damaging it can be to the individuals and, most importantly, the children and family systems. Now she helps hundreds of people in crisis find workable solutions so they can reduce anxiety, save money, and move on with their lives.
