Eszter Noble is an RTT® practitioner, Clinical Hypnotherapist, and Coach, specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression. Her method utilizes the most effective techniques from CBT, NLP, psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy, with the ability to provide freedom from any issues and deliver permanent, lasting solutions.
Is it too much to ask to be fearless? Perhaps, but allow me to explain why it’s worth considering it. Once we take a moment to understand what fears really are, and why we have them in our lives, it becomes so much easier to control them and let’s face it, in the chaotic world we live in, we could all do with a bit more control.
One of the most important things to understand when it comes to fears, is that your mind has its own agenda. Your mind’s job is to make sure you survive. You may think that you are in total control of all your thoughts, but the reality is that your mind is running the show, if you let it!
Think of your mind like an overprotective mother, or a radar on a battleship that is always on the lookout for danger. It’s always trying to gage what could potentially kill you, what could endanger your life. Even though we live in a significantly safer environment than our ancestors did, our minds are still focused on survival and detecting danger.
There are only 2 fears that are truly yours
We are born so innocent and trusting, so full of love and hope, and in fact the only two fears we are born with, are the fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Every other fear we borrow, acquire, and pick up along the way mostly from our parents, caregivers, and our environment.
Children depend on adults to make sense of the world around them and often end up with fears and phobias that have nothing to do with their own experience, but rather borrowed fears and ones instilled in them from an early age. Parents want to protect, and that’s wonderful, but take a moment and consider just how many of your fears are truly yours. Even when you experience something traumatic, there are many ways to deal with it, but we often pick up other’s reactions to the event and internalise them. It then starts being a problem once that fear becomes part of your identity.
“Hi, I’m Joe, I’m afraid of heights, I always have been and always will be.”
I encourage you to take a moment and really think about your fears. Ask yourself how they are serving you, and how they are trying to help you.
Let’s look at public speaking as an example. Most people find it difficult, scary, uncomfortable. So, what would the hidden benefit be of not dealing with this fear? Not facing this fear would allow the person to ‘stay safe’ by avoiding potential embarrassment and perceived rejection.
I’m sure we are all familiar with the term ‘inner saboteur’ but what the mind is actually trying to do, is to keep us safe, protect us from some perceived danger or uncomfortable situation. So next time you find yourself in a predicament where fear is holding you back, ask yourself:
“Is this an empowering thought? Am I really in danger? What’s the worst that can happen?”
Often, it’s just so ingrained in us to be fearful, that we operate on autopilot, disregarding opportunities and chances to grow.
Top 5 fears
Overcoming fear is a crucial skill that can significantly improve our quality of life and help us reach our full potential but often our fears are not what they initially appear to be. We have to dig deeper to get an accurate understanding of what truly lies beneath the surface. Fears are as countless as the stars in the night sky but allow me to elaborate, with what I consider to be some of the most common fears we deal with.
1. Fear of silence
We live in such an overstimulated world, with our phones glued to our hands, constant distractions everywhere, that it’s hard to have moments of silence, but do we even want them?
Over the years I’ve spoken to so many friends, clients who are literally afraid of being alone with their thoughts. They have to have music on as they walk, a podcast on when they are cleaning, and audiobooks as they fall asleep. Being alone with our own thoughts has slowly become one of the scariest situations imaginable. The constant urge to distract ourselves has emerged as a defence mechanism against possibly realising our shortcomings, seeing our inadequacies, facing our failures, or admitting to poor choices we’ve made in the past. The ego doesn’t like it!
I understand that life is hard enough, however, if we hide from our thoughts and feelings, they will only regroup and come back stronger. Ignoring them won’t work, neither will turning up the volume or scrolling relentlessly.
2. Fear of flying
This is another very common one and reading all the statistics on how much safer it actually is than driving or taking the bus, has never helped anyone. You can rarely rationalise yourself out of fear. It’s much more important to understand the feelings associated with the situation. Certainly, every case is unique but more often than not, fear of flying is all to do with an overwhelming feeling of not being in control. Growing up, many of us faced situations where we felt completely powerless and not in control, perhaps even suffered trauma as a result. Being 42,000 feet in the air on a plane just reignites, reawakens that sense of helplessness, and strikes fear into our hearts. In such cases therapy, particularly hypnosis can be very beneficial, to help understand what the actual underlying issue is and can provide lasting results.
3. Fear of the façade crumbling
Have you ever lied? Have you ever omitted information in hopes of concealing the ugly truth? I’m sure we’ve all been there; went to perhaps extreme lengths to try and hang on to an image we meticulously built up.
What about impostor syndrome? I’m sure the term is familiar. Call it what you will, the bottom line is that underneath all the fancy terminology is a fear that ‘what I want isn’t available to me’.
The good news is, that it only takes one thing to solve this problem. To get over this fear, you have to get out of your own way. The reality is that the only person limiting you, holding you back is yourself. Regardless of what happened in the past though, it’s now up to you to make a change.
4. Fear of failure
Arguably this has to be one of the most common fears and it seems obvious enough, but what is so bad about failing? What is so scary about making a mistake? Why do we try to avoid it? Even in this case, even when the answer seems to be an obvious one, let’s go ahead and dig deeper. In an ideal situation, when we make a mistake, it shouldn’t be a big deal, we learn from it and move on with more experience. The harsh reality is different though. We are often so consumed about what we may look like, and what our friends or family might think of us if we fail, that we disregard the valuable lessons we could learn, the wisdom we could gain. What lies beneath this fear is the potential realisation that we may not be good enough after all.
Well, I have good news, and I have great news. In favour of some suspense, let’s start with the good news. Absolutely no one ever was born knowing it all. Everyone has to learn, practice, and keep going to be good at something. It can take months, even years to acquire skills. It is incredibly insane to think that we should just get things right on the first try or all the time. Which brings me to the great news. Even professional athletes, high-powered business owners, and A-list celebrities will make mistakes. Failure is a part of everyone’s process, just most people brush it under the rug and hope that it never sees the light of day. Embrace failure, fail fast, and keep going. There is no other way and the sooner you accept this universal truth, the better.
5. Fear of rejection
This fear goes hand in hand with the previous one and when we feel that we may not be good enough, we fear that our loved ones and our environment could potentially reject us. Feeling connected and that we matter in society is incredibly important to us all. Being accepted and having a sense of belonging is by far one of the most powerful driving forces in human behaviour. I would argue that anyone who claims that it is not the case for them and chooses to isolate themselves, is also just avoiding potential rejection.
The fear of rejection can develop very early on and often starts when we notice differences between us and our peers. Society isn’t always accepting of quirks and differences and that is ingrained in us from a very early age. Our minds do not like anything that is unfamiliar as it feels unsafe and different behaviour, and different opinions are very much in that category. Sounds strange? If you have small children in your family or around you, have you ever noticed how they always want the same bedtime story, want to eat the same food and play the same game for the billionth time? It’s because the mind loves what is familiar and avoids the ‘threatening’ unfamiliar.
Sometimes it takes decades before people choose to finally embrace their uniqueness and not live according to other’s demands and desires. It’s a brave and necessary decision in order to live a happy life. You cannot be everyone’s cup of tea, so why worry about it?
Why phobias are your friends
Phobias are a type of anxiety disorder characterized by an excessive, irrational fear of specific objects, situations, or activities. Some may take extreme measures to avoid the cause of their anxiety as a result of this worry, which can seriously disrupt their daily life. A specific phobia might be brought on by a traumatic event connected to the feared object or circumstance, such as a dog bite that causes a fear of dogs. I’ve also encountered clients with an acute fear of buttons for instance. As mentioned earlier though, it becomes very hard to rationalise the fear away; telling the person that not every dog is vicious or the buttons on your shirt aren’t dangerous, won’t help. But in these cases what is the mind actually trying to do?
Your mind’s number one job is to keep you alive, therefore it will always make sure you stay away from perceived dangerous situations. It is doing its best to protect you, just like a caring friend, who would want to keep you out of harm's way. Understanding the origin of the phobia is very important and it’s often best to seek the help of a professional. In the meantime, what you can do, is to talk yourself out of it. Imagine that your mind is like a scared child, stuck in that original scene, that initial moment where the situation was so terrifying; now reassure yourself, and your mind that you are safe in this present moment. Tell yourself that you are fine and in no immediate danger. Even if it sounds too simple, it’s a very effective and powerful way to deal with phobias. The mind learns by repetition, and you can in time rewire your mind. It’s very important to never reinforce the old story.
I remember going on a walk not long ago, strolling by a beautiful lake, the sun shining and as I look over to the water, I see a rat on the pier. I was ready to end my life right then and there. For me, there’s nothing worse! Of course, it ran off and we didn’t end up wrestling or anything like that, but I have told myself my entire life, that it’s the one thing I’m absolutely terrified of. To tell you the truth, I don’t even know why. I have no recollection of a horrible event or anything. It may well be that my mind blocked a memory, but as the sun kept shining something occurred to me.
I asked myself why I needed to keep reinforcing the old story? Why does it keep having to be part of my identity? Sure, it’s nasty and unpleasant but why give it so much power? You could ask yourself the same questions when you next find yourself in a situation that is triggering to you.
The only thing you need to understand
Fears may be as countless as the sand grains in the desert, but they all have one thing in common. They may wear many masks, and we may give them a thousand names but the only reason we fear anything, is down to the uncertainty it brings. We worry that we won’t be able to cope, we won’t be able to deal with the situation. We feel overwhelmed and powerless.
Humans are incredibly resilient and strong though and capable of so much more than we often give ourselves credit for. I truly believe that we do not encounter anything in life we can’t handle.
For those moment when we do feel a bit overwhelmed by fear though, here’s how to kill it:
K - Know that our fears are made up by our overprotective mind.
I - Identify what the actual underlying fear is (fear of rejection, not being in control, etc).
L - Let go of the old story and never reinforce it.
L - Learn to dialogue with yourself in a better, more empowering way.
Fears feed on time, the more we let it fester, the worse and the bigger it gets. Consequently, the sooner any fear is faced, the better and it won’t have time to grow out of proportion. So, what it takes to be fearless is to understand that fears are created by us and can be defeated by us. Believe in your strength, your resilience and your ability to overcome any adversity. It’s possible!
Read more from Eszter Noble
Eszter Noble, Clinical Hypnotherapist & Coach
Eszter Noble is an established Clinical Hypnotherapist using the RTT® (Rapid Transformational Therapy) method, trained by world-renowned hypnotherapist Marisa Peer. She is known for dealing with extremely difficult cases and clients who have been stuck for years and who have tried it all. Specializing in anxiety, fears, and depression, she is extremely intuitive and honest, dedicated to empowering her clients to become the best possible versions of themselves. Offering her expertise in English, German, and Hungarian, Eszter’s mission is to take the taboo out of therapy.
